very poorly baby - advice for friends

rosie-lee

hello, I was just wondering if anyone could give me their views please.
My friend had a baby almost 2 weeks ago and the baby is very poorly and in special care at the moment. Obviously, I don't want to put too much detail on here about someone elses personal life, but there seems to be so many insightful people as I have browsed and lurked that I thought it may be worth just asking.

We have only been able to be in contact by text message as the mother is too busy and stressed to face talking directly in person. At first it was easy to send thoughts and support in this way, but 12 days on with only a slight improvement in the baby's health, and uncertanty about possible future problems (lack of oxygen for over 4 mins and repeated fits). I feel that anything I write is now repetitive and with obvious obstacles in the written word as opposed to speaking don't want to sound as if they're token gestures.

I am well aware of the fact that if the baby was well, we would all have been round celebrating and bringing gifts and they have been deprived of the joyous time he would all hope to have in the first couple of weeks after the arrival of a new baby.
Sorry to ramble but I suppose what I am asking from anyone who was in this situation is;-
1.Would you have liked your friends to still call round with gifts & cards - does the 'empty mantle-piece' only strengthen the feeling of a possible impending loss.
2.I know there is nothing I can say to ease the hurt or worry but what did people say to you that perhaps helped in any way.

Our group of friends wants to support the mother in any way we can, but as this is the first baby (in over 20!) that has has such a tragic start are very unsure about how to handle this well and what to do for the best.
The mother has a history of depression so you will understand our deepest worries for her now and in the future and I have always believed that if your not sure what to do - ask for help, so I am.
Thanks for reading.

Gingham_Ribbon

What a horrible time for everyone. When my friends' children have been in hospital for one reason or another, I've prepared sandwiches and portions of soup to be frozen and left them on the doorstep of the partner who wasn't staying in. That way the partner had a hot meal when he got in and the staying parent had something healthy to eat in hospital.

The other thing to do is to ask what they need. Can you visit? Does she need to go for a walk with someone who can lend an ear? I think it's important to let her know you're there and prepared to help in any way you can. And keep reminding her of that.

I hope the baby's health improves and the parents find strength from those around them. x

purplegirluk1

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear about your friends baby, I wish them all the luck in the world that things continue to inprove. I am sure that your friend is glad you are all simply there for her. I would just like to point you in the direction of the charity Bonnie Babies here http://www.bonniebabies.co.uk/. My MIL is closely linked with them and they offer an amazing service for families with premature and special care babies. It might be worth you joining and asking them for advice, they are all extremly knowlegdable and will be able to help you in any way you need. I hope it helps in some way.

Purplegirl

quietheart

Unfortunately this happened to my friend a few years ago.
I'd second ginghamribbon's idea about food as they probably won't be eating. maybe a homemade soup that would be easy to get down. just don't stay away. they are going through the worse time in their lifes and they'll remember the people who got past the awkwardness and put themselves out for them. you only need to stay a short while but show your face. bring some flowers or some cake or some magazines to flick through.
Hope things work out for the best.

rosie-lee

Thank you. The practical things, childcare for an older child, food etc are all in hand by family fortunately. Not only does she not feel up to seeing people but as she is now home, visiting the baby etc is taking up all her time and energy.
I am sure she does know that we are all there for her but the messages are starting to feel a little repetitive and I am conscious of that for her.

Purplegirluk1 - good luck with your new arrival in March - hope this won't give you any worries (there's nothing worse than hearing about baby/birth problems when your pregnant). As I said we have over 20 other children between us and despite a few hiccups all are lovely and healthy. Hope all goes well for you.

Nicki

If you haven't given a gift for the baby yet, I would do so. I am sure it would be appreciated, even if the worst happened and the baby only had the gift for the duration of its short life. Perhaps a small soft toy, or some premature baby clothes for the baby, with a little card to mum saying that she and the baby are constantly in your thoughts, and you are always there for a chat when she feels able to pick up the phone? You can say more on paper than you can in a text and it is more permanent too, so I am sure it would be appreciated.

rosie-lee

The baby was actually full term, but went into shock and stopped breathing a short while after after a very quick breech delivery. Then other complications, fits, etc stepped in.
I was thinking of getting her one of those lovely keepsake boxes, that way, whatever the outcome, she will have something beautiful in which to keep treasured items.

Amanda65

rosie-lee wrote: »

I was thinking of getting her one of those lovely keepsake boxes, that way, whatever the outcome, she will have something beautiful in which to keep treasured items.

I think this is a lovely idea and will, as you say, be precious whatever the outcome (and hopefully she will be able to make use of it for many years to come). I would second those as well who have said keep in contact. Even a repetitive text is betetr than nothing at all, as long as you are not asking to visit etc. Just a 'you are in my thoughts and juts thought I'd text to say hello' can mean a lot.

shelley_crow

it's a difficult one. Without knowing the situation i'd be inclined to make sure they know you are around to support them, eg, making them food (like another poster suggested) or offering lifts to the hospital if and when (if you can. Also practical things like offering to take care of any pets while they are at the hospital.

It must be an awful situation, my thoughts are with them. Well done for being there for them too x

mustafa_say_ving

rosie-lee wrote: »

The baby was actually full term, but went into shock and stopped breathing a short while after after a very quick breech delivery. Then other complications, fits, etc stepped in.
I was thinking of getting her one of those lovely keepsake boxes, that way, whatever the outcome, she will have something beautiful in which to keep treasured items.

Personally, I think a keepsake box is a lovely idea.

Like GR I tend to do the food thing.

Psykicpup

You can always preface the txt with 'I know I've said this before but...'
& I would really try to get her to met face to face with you (& friends?) even if she does feel she cant face it. She is probably scared that she will breakdown in tears ...but thats what friends are for isnt!- She'll feel better after a real hug rather than a text one esp if she's had depression previously

BTW what a lovely friend you are:A - really you brought tears to my eyes:o
Give her my best wishes for her & bubs (((hugs)))