please help

flugellover

My thoughts are with you, this sounds like a hard time for you.
I echo the many of the comments in the posts above, but wanted to reiterate that seeking help doesn't mean that other people have to find out. Any help you and your partner can get should be confidential and you can tell the people that you chose to.
if you are on-line there are lots of good support sites out there, and more locally your GP might be able to get you in touch with someone.
Best of luck with everything.

stefejb

pinkshoes wrote: »

(((hugs)))

The most important thing is the welfare of your children and yourself - both physically AND mentally! No one should ever emotionally blackmail their partner, regardless of the circumstances.

I agree with what people have said - sweetheart your priority right now is you and the kids - his is elsewhere and he can't help you. Help will be confidential but to be honest people finding out is the least of your wories right now. If you are worried about yours and the children's safety then please consider contacting women's aid - 0808 2000 247 http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ . Even if you think things won't be as bad as that it still might be an idea to gather together important paperwork and put a few things into a bag for you and the children in case you have to leave in a hurry - you can always hide it under the bed for now.

It sounds like you have done loads to try to help him with his problems but its a big responsibility for you and its obviously not working - he needs some professional help - if he wants to change - good luck

kisto

((((Hugs)))) Spanishgal,

My ex had a bad drug problem for the last 3 years of our marriage and got to the point of where he was spending about £20 a day on cannabis and we'd spend our evenings driving around town trying to score for him. He sold various articles from around the house to fund his habit. He'd get dealers to "tick" him the drugs and then we'd have a debt with a dealer to sort out. He'd "borrow" the kids birthday money to feed his habit - he didn't care. I left him fleeing to a womens refuge for a night, then stayed with my parents. I took him back after he promised he'd quit ...which he did for 3 months. But was soon back to his habit but this time he went onto to try just about every other drug going too. His mood changed with the drug use and he became mentally and physically abusive. He became completely complacent about drugs to the point of snorting speed off the table whilst the kids were sat in the next room and having dealers visit our house regularly. I eventually summoned the courage to kick him out and end our 12 year marriage. It was very scary, but I haven't looked back.

You can have control over your life, but sadly at the moment your husbands drug problem is controlling your life (as well as his). You can change this by leaving him (or asking him to leave). It can't go on like it is. I thought I could help my ex, and by being there for him I could support him and his problem....I was so wrong (he just mentally wore me now and manipulated me to enable his problem to continue). The financial hardship it causes is crippling....for the user the drugs become their priority (we went without food/gas/electric at times just so my ex could have his fix) - this is not sustainable.

I definitely recommend womensaid. My GP was a big help too (as the whole situation made me thoroughly depressed to the point of self harm). I ended up having a social worker and with her support and counseling I finally got a grasp of how dire my circumstances were (especially for the kids) and it was through this I found the inner strength and courage to end the marriage (that I so desperately wanted to work).

I hope you can escape this situation for you and your kids. You & they don't deserve to suffer because of your husbands problem.

hev_2

I don't have any experience of being with someone who has a drug problem, so if this advice is out of order, put it down to me being a barmy old bat and ignore it.

It seems that you have two problems trapping you. The first is your partner's drug use. You cannot control him. The second is the fear of people finding out. You can deal with that. If you find the courage to confide in someone it can ease the load, you can ask for help from local health professionals, you can ask people to support you when you are dealing with fallout from your partner. Not having to hide everything and being able to deal openly with what is going on could free you from a lot of the stress.

You and your children are being trashed by his behaviour and he seems unable to control it. A shock with tough love may help him, as may some time at Relate.

I suggest that you make an effort to tell a Health Visitor or a GP about your situation and get help and support from them. Sit down, go on the internet and work out what benefits you would be entitled to without him. Work out a theoretical plan of how you and your children would cope if your partner was not there. What is your support network, could you rent elsewhere? Just look at the practicalities without the emotions - easier said than done, I know.

Then tell him that you are making these emergency plans - that you love him, that you want his kids to love him but with the drugs you cannot continue. Then see if that will help him finally find the courage and strength to kick the drugs.

My parents' marriage was destroyed by drink, not drugs, so I do have a slight understanding of where you are at. I am the only one of my siblings who has managed any sort of relationship as all of the children were badly affected.

You are obviously at your wits' end, and I really hope things get better for you. I am asking these questions, and I hope they don't upset you.

First, all health care professionals, including those treating people for drug addiction, are supposed to treat everything as confidential. If your partner gets treatment, no-one should know from them, nor from anyone in personnel at work. Please do not let this question upset you, I am hoping that it might help liberate you from some of the feeling of oppression, but would it be worth people knowing about the problem if that meant your partner could get help? People can be a lot more sympathetic and supportive than you expect. If you are concerned with the 'small town' mindset which can be upsetting, could you even relocate? It may get your partner away from bad influences.

Second, what your children are seeing is what they will consider normal in a relationship in later years. They are seeing a wonderful mum doing her best to keep her marriage going and support her family - that is good. Later on it may be less positive. Perhaps your partner can be made to get help appealing to this.

I really admire your courage in sticking with your partner so far and I hope that all works out for you.

If I have spoken out of turn, ignore all this as a daft old biddy.

HTH

ceridwen

Well - the one thing that strikes me here is that if you leave him (which is what I personally hope you will do) - then you will have certainty in your life. You will know where you are at. You will know what money you have for living on. You will know what is going to happen in your life.

In other words - you wont be living in fear all the time. Fear that he could be off scoring drugs (maybe even when you've had a spell of thinking he is drug-free). Fear that he is spending every last spare penny (and then the pennies that arent spare at all - but are meant for food and fuel and things for you and - even more importantly, your children).

You have some level of choice as to whether you stay and put up with this situation or no. Your children dont - they have to take what they get in this. Wouldnt it be better to keep them safe from all this?

fsdss

i just want to say that i am thinking about you and your situation. i know its hard - i have a SIL whose an alcoholic - she's stolen from us, abused us verbally, treated her children badly when she cannot get alcohol- we've all got to the stage of being cruel to be kind - in the hope of letting her get to her lowest point where she has to get help.
we are professionals too, and at first we used to hide and not tell for fear of embarrassment however it got to the point where we couldn't hide it any longer and i confessed at work what was going on. surprisingly addiction (what ever kind) is extreemly common and almost all of my collegues have a relative or know someone who is affected by some form of addiction. for me it was a release of pressure telling someone.

ailuro2

Please try and tell someone close to you at least some of what's going on- you need a real-life hug, not just virtual ones sent from strangers online. My heart goes out to you, what a dreadful situation to be in. I do feel though, that you have been aiding him for a long time and you have now decided this needs to stop. You sound like you have had enough of this deceitful way of life. 16 years is a long time.


You say you would have no money if he left, but do you really want your kids to grow up believing this kind of life is normal?? There is a lot of help out there for single parents that tops up your money, helps with childcare costs etc.

Perhaps it's ultimatum time- but only say it if you really mean it.

Clean up or get out of our lives.

There are drug rehab programmes out there to help people who want to quit. I know,for example, functioning heroin addicts do exist, and in professional jobs too.

My best wishes to you all, (especially your kids- who probably know a lot more than you think they do!)

belfastgirl23

Hi Spanishgirl just checking in to see how you're feeling today...

I also wanted to second ailuro's advice to think about telling someone about what's happening. I guess I'd think about your DH's family first. In some ways I'd be surprised if they didn't have some inkling there was a problem, while I'm sure you are doing your level best to keep things low key, parents and brothers and sisters can be pretty smart. I know in our family invariably everyone has noticed that something is a bit 'off' with someone for a while before the problem gets talked about. You might find his parents are relieved you've finally come clean with them.

I suppose the other thing I'd say is that you (or more so your DH) are not managing the problem now. You are managing some of the issues arising from it, and well done to you for that, but the problem is out of control. I think you need to recognise that you cannot continue as is and you need some outside help and support. It's up to you where you get it - family, narcotics anonymous, or even local medical services, but I think the sooner you see that it's out of your hands the better. If you keep going the way you are (and judging from your posts) you are risking your own mental health as well by putting yourself under such extreme stress. You can't afford to do this for either yourself or your kids.

Do let us know how you are today....