Invitation Nightmare! PLEASEPLEASE HELP!!! - Long!!

MoneySavingStudent_2

Ok here goes...

Ive just got engaged and were starting to plan the wedding. Unfortunatly im not very close to my side of the family. My OH doesnt have any trouble as he is one of 4 and is very close with all his cousins and grandparents etc. The trouble is my side My mum and dad are getting divorced. Which is tough for me and my sister. My sister has slight learning difficulties and sometimes has to have things explained to her like the fact why my parents are getting divorced.. My parents are getting divorced because my dad (45) had an affair with our ex-babysitter (25) whos 20 years younger then him and she is only 5 years older then my sister (20).
Obviously we (being me,my mum and sister) were shocked when we found out (thank you to a listed mobile phone bill and very repeated number). We found he had be using his work as an excuse to go and see her saying things like im going driving to london etc (which he did sometimes do on the odd occasion for his boss etc) but then it began to be every other week!
My mum was gutted after 25 years of marriage etc and we found it rather weird that this mistresses was a person my mum invited into our home when she was just 16 to babysit me and my sister. Also the fact that she had been a close family friend and that my dad had known her when she was 11
weird and creepy in my opinion!

So this is where my situation lays. Im not fond of my dad at all because of what hes done and he was very distant from our family in general due being more interested in his sport/hobby then us.
To be honist i dont really want him at my wedding, and i definatly dont want him to walk me down the aisle!

Do i invite him just because he my dad? plus my dads parents (my grandparents) have been really mean to me my mum and sister after this happened. Its all to do with our house etc and us (me and my sister) not wanting to leave it. But they have been really mean to us and i cant forgive them for the way they have been speaking to my mum etc. My cousins and auntie and uncle (from my dads side) have been horrible too.

My mum doesnt have much family due to having abit of a bad upbringing. Her mum (my grandma is ok) her dad is dead and she isnt in contact with any other family members. The only one out of that side of family i wanted to be there was my great auntie (who acted like a grandma better then my actual one) but unfortunatly she died last week.

Im in a spin and so far my family list is: my sister, my mum and my grandma.

Can someone give me some advise? Knowing my dad if i did invite him he would proberbly be stupid and bring his mistress with him!

HELP?! :eek:

Krystaltips

If you don't want him there then don't invite him. But do think about how you might feel about it in years to come...

You could always have a very small intimate wedding with just immediate family then a party afterwards for everyone else, at least then there's no worry that his side of the church will be rammed and yours not...

(Ps, both our parents are divorced and neither sides get on with each other, so it's gonna be interesting for us too! The only difference is for Mr Tips it was when he was a child so he gets on with both parents and for me it was 5 1/2 years ago so long enough to build bridges. mom ran off with dad's best mate If I'd of gotten married when it all kicked off my mom wouldn't of been there but maybe I would regret it now? I don't know...)

MoneySavingStudent_2

This was about a year ago. And ive never been close to my dad in general. But if my dad did come he would complain about my grandad and grandma on his side not coming etc. (his parents divorced because his mum ran off with someone) Never been close to any of that side of the family it was always a chore going to see them and smiling etc. But with my OH parents there really nice and his grandparents are lovely. (His grandad even christianed me all them yrs ago because he was the vicar at the church!)
Its just horrible and i was wondering what the the lovely moneysaving community thought of it.. As theres no one really to talk to whos not involved! Thank you for your reply though. Anyone else?

paddingtondoo

Sit down and think about who you want to share your day not who you think should be there.

If it's going to make you feel uncomfortable and worried then maybe it's best if you don't invite him. If you do make it clear that his partner is not welcome.

My ex had an affair with someone he worked with and she still has a real problem with me although they are now living together. I even babysat for her once how stupid did I feel when I found out! I would hope that when our children get married we can all be grown up enough to get on for the day and not spoil it or cause them any worries. It is just for one day after all not so sure what will happen when OH's children get married though...............................

Yes divorce is nasty especially in your circumstances but would you really want to get married without him there? I can understand why you wouldn't want him to give you away. Your feelings are likely to change over time I know I've been there have a long hard think about it before you make a decision.

MrsJ2008

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your news. I'm getting married in a couple of months and i'm not inviting my dad. I never see him (it's been 4 years since I last saw him) and he's never been in my life much at all.

I am walking down the aisle on my own. I've been to 2 weddings where the brides walked down on their own as their dad's had passed away. No-one noticed that they were on their own as all eyes are on the bride anyway.

Your wedding is about you and your other half so have the people there that YOU want. If people are snidey about who is or isn't there that's their own selfish-ness. If you do invite him ask eveyone to respect your wishes put aside their differences for the day x

ps. my family is small too, the only family i'm inviting is my mum, sis (her hubby & 2 kids) and my cousin. My h2b has got tons of family. We are going to ask people to fill both sides of the church so it wont be obvious.

MoneySavingStudent_2

My dad used his driving for work as an excuse to see her. He use to tell us he was going to london and wouldnt be back til the morning due to us living in yorkshire and it being too tiring to drive down then straight back up again. Which we all thought was a reasonable excuse. But little did we know she was picking him up from work on that day and he was going straight to her house and staying there all night. She only lives down the road from us.
Personally ive always thought any form of cheating is wrong even when i was at middle/high school when girls use to boast about having 2 boyfriends just to look good etc i always thought they were sick and cold hearted human beings.

He gambled his family life/home etc for a quicky with this girl. And he lied, planned and schemed. Not just dropped by, but actually planned when he was going to see her.. We even looked at the calender of the past year to see when he went driving and one was even on my mums birthday! He had his affair for at least 3 years. Its sick and wrong.

It goes against everything i believe in and all my morals. So far hes not coming full stop. If i change my mind in a year then fine but at this moment in time he's having nothing to do with the planning etc.

(MrsJ2008 - I hope your day goes well, were going to fill up both sides too so no one will notice! x)

delightful_2

This is a really sad story but one i can empathise with wont go into to much detail but i had not seen my dad for years and had to deal with the news that he had passed away recently after a long illness and was desperate to find me but it was a year before any of his family did eventually did.Im planning my wedding for november and have found it a task whether to invite family i dont really know also my mothers family are not close and she brought me up on her own so i feel she has more rights than the others after much thought me and OH decided to book our wedding abroad and make it a special day for the people who mean so much in our lives which im guessing your father does not to you after his behaviour.we will have a big party when we return so as not to upset the whole family but it is your day and weddings are stressfull enough without worrying about the behavior of others! i hope you manage to enjoy your day and good luck x

MoneySavingStudent_2

We're hoping for just a nice day if anything. I dont want to have to worry about behaviour etc. Im glad you all can see what my situation is. Its just really annoying! Everything is going round in circle, and my dad owns part of our house and he keeps threatening to take it away from us and sell it etc. I know (because ive read up on my facts unlike him) that if the house is half his and half my mums he cannot sell it with out my mums permission and vis-versa. Stupid man.. sometimes i just get so annoyed!!! lol

delightful_2

it seems to me when people behave badly they will try anything to put the blame and hurt they have caused onto others.refuse to let him upset you like this and show him that you and you future hubby will have an honest relationship of course you will be angry ,however you sound like a strong person and you will need to be for your mum and sister.anyway keep in touch with your wedding plans im sure there will plenty of advice from us money savers ive gained loads! all the best x:A

DKLS

Be strong and dont forget it is your day, and you can invite who you want to be at your wedding and if you want to leave somone out dont feel guilty.

I have cut my list down from 200 ish to 30, and in the process upset a few people, who seemed to think it was their day. In the end I laid down the law to the most interfering family members, and warned them that if they didnt stop interfeing, moaning, complaining and stirring they might just find that we elope abroad, and not invite any of them.

ruthiejane

I'm inviting my Dad, but not his partner. Dad has said he isn't sure that he is going to come without his partner. I'd rather we have an enjoyable day with the family members I do like that just remember the tension caused by having people around that I don't like.