Meeting the opposite sex

belfastgirl23

I agree with the others, I think you're looking in the wrong places

Online dating would be hard enough if you were *experienced* but if you aren't it's a minefield. And I think you've maybe established by now that it isn't right for you. That doesn't say anything about *you* just that a different route would be more suitable.

I agree with ktp1980, you should consider an evening class. I've taken several now, mostly fairly general ones (languages etc) and there are invariably more women than men. Especially in language classes there's lots of opportunity to talk to each other and it would be easy to suggest coffee etc afterwards to practice whatever you'd learned. But go with something that interests you.

But the other thing is, I think you need to start seeing the good in yourself. As the others say, women are attracted to a lot of different types of men. Personally too I would find your romantic history a lot more comfortable than someone who was a man about town. And someone's character is usually the most attractive thing about them. On this, if you're feeling a bit miserable and insecure it might be coming across like this. I'd say start getting out and doing things, it will make you feel so much better about yourself which will in turn make you more attractive.

Lots of luck, although I don't really think you'll need it

sazziecee

Hi!

I was single for 2 years before I met my OH.

I was with my ex for 6 years and we had 2 children, I was with my previous ex for another 4 years before that, with only a month inbetween. So being single was nice at first as it was a novelty but only took 3 months or so for me to feel lonely.

Until I met my partner I did date, but I always read more into things and thought I was getting into a relationship with the men concerned, but it always fizzled out after a couple of weeks and yes they were after one thing. Some of them even had long term partners (I didnt know!!) and I didn't find out til afterwards they were using me...

Anyway.... I tried online dating, met about 6 men, half I didn't click with (one of which got obsessed with me) a couple messed me about and there was only 1 I really, really liked and he liked me a lot too but he lived 6 hours away and he met someone else I live in the middle of nowhere and there is hardly anyone near to me using the sites, that seemed halfway "normal"

I did meet my partner online, but not on a dating site, it was on a car forum. We had been talking as friends for about 3 months, he was local, had a daughter around the same age as my sons and we got on but I didn't think any more of it (probs too busy being messed about by one of the others at the time). We used to talk on MSN mostly about kids etc and he was just someone to chat too, when he asked me out it was totally out of the blue, but I said yes because that week in my magazine it said to always accept every date you are offered, for the experience of dating, plus he was a nice guy so why not? I didn't have the kids that night so we went for a meal and I had a great time and we have been inseperable ever since

So you can meet someone online, but when you aren't looking for it Maybe try joining a site about something you are interested in, that has forums?

Good luck, I too thought I was going to be alone forever, but I am happier than I have ever been and this is definitely my best relationship by far.

Sarah

kittiej

Just try to relax and don't come across as being too 'needy' iykwim.

There's been loads of good advice already but I would def stay away from the women with the shiney beads lol.

One thing I noticed, and I think this can be true for a lot of people, but you seem to think that only ever having been with one person is a bad thing?

You're a rare treasure these days!

Once you meet the right person it won't matter how many previous partners you've had, honestly. In fact you could have been with a hundred women but it doesn't mean anything apart from the person you are with at the time.

As for actually finding someone in the first place, I normally find that people come into your life when you least expect it without needing to force things.

Good luck.

patchwork_cat

Hi
How about a proactive approach - have you replied to any you like? I do understand, but you may well meet someone somewhere unexpected - work, friends of friends, the supermarket. Enjoy life - get out get a hobby. There is a woman out there who would suit you thinking the exact same thing. Do you have a problem if the woman has children?

Also another thing that JCR said - salsa classes - no men - there you go do that. Perhaps you could tell JCR of a hobby where there are no women!

impy78

Hey There,

I know the boat that you are in.I split up with the person I still believe to me my true love a few months ago and have been very lonely (and drunk!) indeed.

It's very hard, because you make these assumptions that you have someone, and suddenly, for whatever reason, it's gone.

I think that hardest thing is realising that you actually don't NEED a partner, it is a bonus, but I have only recently properly started appreciating how great just doing my own thing is, hanging out with my pals, reading a book etc etc.

And it's only since then that I've really felt ready to find someone else.

I've been using Match, which has has its ups and downs (!!!!!!!!), but I have been meeting people. My dad is also on it, has been for a few years, and he's had some relationships, but now he's with a lovely lady who makes him really happy.

Also, have you tried speed dating? I'm going next week, sounds a bit terrifying, with the added bonus of leaving the date after 2 minutes!!!

Hope this helps

Steel_2

Captain Mainwaring

You need a solid plan of action. You've become apathetic and need to massively jolt yourself out of it by making plans for the future. Write down everything you've always fancied giving a go and plan to try one thing a week or month. Get some books by Anthony Robbins to start working on the way you view yourself and your self-confidence. Start planning a holiday, even if only for a few days doing something you've always fancied.

But whatever you do, don't spend 95% of your time doing what you've always done. Otherwise nothing will change and life will stay the same because that little 5% difference doesn’t have the momentum to pull you up and onwards. You have to forcibly drag yourself up by the bootstraps and take massive action in a different direction.

Also, you won't find someone from just from one date! You have to have a positive attitude towards it, know what you're looking for and persevere. Dating is a numbers game that's all and gets better with practice. Ping a nice, genuine email to absolutely all the ladies you like the look making sure to read their profiles so you can mention it in the email and sooner or later things will start to happen.

I met my husband on www.udate.com four years ago this April. He was 43 and had been single and living alone, rarely dating, for nine years. He'd only had one relationship before me. I'd come out a ten year relationship two years before.

Prior to our first date, I'd had around 10 first dates with guys from the dating site but had never clicked with any of them and didn't continue dating them. Most were looking for an 'easy lay' and I didn't 'put out' so things didn't 'work out'.

I was very clear about what I wanted in a man before online dating. I'd even written a list of Must-Haves, Be-Nice-To-Have and Run-a-Mile qualities (why not try that? and had set myself an initial target of having one date a week for the first six months. Yep! That many! No matter how uncomfortable or embarassed it made me feel.

The first email I ever got was from hubbie and I spent a month talking to him by email and dating others before meeting him. I'm not sure I clicked with hubbie completely on the first date, but he was easy to talk to, genuine, passionate about this hobbies and interests, and very respectful of my boundaries so I decided to keep dating him. One date turned into two, I met his parents after four weeks, moved in with him after six months, got engaged after a year and married after two.

What I'm trying to say (and taking too long) is we've been there, overcome it and so can you.

Both hubbie and I had deliberately gone out and immersed ourselves in life and hobbies to both keep ourselves occupied and have something to talk about when we did meet people. We also spent time chatting to like-minded individuals on specialised hobby forums and going to different shows, which is also a fertile ground for meeting and talking to the opposite sex.

So you don't get on with salsa dancing? Try something else. If anything you'll build up experiences to laugh about with people at a later date. I've tried snowboarding, skiing, scuba diving, bungy jumping, painting, crafty stuff, karting.....you name it I tried it and was !!!!!! at most of it. But it never stopped me.

Hubbie and I even went away on holidays by ourselves before we met (him on a tour of America and me Australia) because we didn't want our lives to be curtailed by being single. We wanted to see these places and couldn't wait until that mythical partner appeared to do it. In fact, by the time we got together it was a bit of a struggle to mesh our single lives because we had become so independent!

flutterbyuk25

Just say yes to every invite you get. be that from your friends/colleagues/family/random strangers. You never know who you might meet on these occasions. You might just make new friends but maybe they will have nice single friends.

And don't go out thinking I've got to meet someone because that puts you under pressure and you'll feel bad if you don't meet someone.

Personally I love being single. I would rather be single than be with the wrong person.

You'll never know when you will meet the right person, aged 20 or 80! Plus as others have said you often meet people in the strangest situations, sarymclary - you're not the only one I know whose met their partner by almost running them over!

hope that helps

x

ps Facebook is fab for getting in contact with old friends and new, and is great for flirting!

DUKE

Stop looking for the time being, enjoy your time alone and get to love yourself. When you least expect it you will meet someone. I speak from experience - I too believed that I couldn't live without man, but I did and I enjoyed it. Eventually someone turned up and finally married me Good luck.

dearbarbie

DUKE wrote: »

Stop looking for the time being, enjoy your time alone and get to love yourself. When you least expect it you will meet someone. I speak from experience - I too believed that I couldn't live without man, but I did and I enjoyed it. Eventually someone turned up and finally married me Good luck.

i agree. is it fair to ask someone to love yo uwhen you dont love yourself? people pick up on these things not only that, but in hobbies, etc, it will creep up on you when yo least expect it !

tomstickland

I can understand the situation. I live on my own and have been single for 7 years now. I've sort of gone through most of the phases of making an effort, and how now reached a condition where I'm quite content on my own. In fact, I think I enjoy it too much sometimes.
However, it doesn't matter how much sensible advice you take on board about doing activities and not being desperate etc, you eventually do start to worry how loads of other people just seemed to just bump into a suitable partner.
I went through years of accepting invitations to all sorts of things thinking it might be nice to meet a potential partner and and waking up the next day with another "maybe next time there will be" feeling. I think I've done that to death now and so have moved on. I don't raise my hopes any more. It's probably better that way anyway.

Online dating is very odd. I'd advocate facebook as a more generally sociable place, plus there are loads of applications you can join for dating sort of malarky.

Oh yes, I did go out on a few dates via Udate a few years ago, but none were much cop really. I think it's just a numbers game, so you might have to set yourself a target of a large number of dates before giving up.#

I realised in the end that, actually, I wasn't motivated enough by dating sites. Sometimes I'll meet a woman in real life who makes me feel motivated, and then it all seems worth the effort, but with online dating it just looked like too much hard work.