Meeting the opposite sex

CaptMainwaring

I posted on here a long time ago about the relationship I was in. Well I finally plucked up the courage and we broke up a year ago. Since then I've been on the market (so to speak) and I'm lonelier and more unhappy than ever. The reason for the break up was that the relationship had become completely platonic and had been with no chance of recovery for more than a decade.

So here I am single, with no self-confidence in my attractiveness to women and feeling utterly wretched.

I've tried online dating and that lead to one date where it was quite clear that she wasn't interested and the feeling was mutual. I'm told by friends that I'm an honest, down to earth, normal kind of guy - to be honest nothing special. Not that I consider it important and I certainly don't put it in my profile but I'm employed, a home owner (i.e. a mortgage slave!) and have a car (a boring but reliable Mondeo). I'm no Brad Pitt but I look ok for 43 years old and I'm just under 12 stone and 6 feet tall so not overweight or a bean pole. I even still have hair (on my head as well the usual middle aged sprouting out of ears and nose... yuk!)

I don't know what to do. I'm trying online dating again, this time with www.plentyoffish.com as I don't feel that the money that I spent on Guardian Soulmates was worth it. I've been on a couple of weeks and nothing at all. I've messaged a few of ladies that I was attracted to and I thought I might have a realistic chance with and have had nothing back, not a single reply.

I'm starting to think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life celibate and the thought of that depresses me deeply.

I have even considered the, ahem, professional route but I find the whole idea of paying a prostitute for sex sordid and utterly soul destroying. I somehow think that I might gain some self confidence and that sex would lose it's mystique (a couple of male friends suggested this but when questioned they admitted that they'd never paid for sex). But I realise that the reality would be worrying about disease and violence. Plus handing over several days hard earned salary for a perfunctory and cold encounter does not appeal in the slightest. It's just that I'm starting to think that sex is something that other people do and that I'm destined to remain alone for the rest of my life.

I'm at my wits end and a life of just working, going home eating, doing the domestic chores and repeating each day like this ad infinitum seems unbearable. I've tried getting out more, I go walking but the groups of walkers I've met are all at retirement age so I'm unlikely to meet anyone there. I tried Salsa classes and found them utterly depressing, I was useless at Salsa and all the the women were married or left immediately after the class.

Life at the moment feels like a pointless burden.

For what it's worth I'm an only child with no family other than an elderly mother who has mental health problems. I've never been successful with women and I've only had one relationship in my entire life and thus only ever one sexual partner.

Chollita

Firstly, forget the idea of paying a pro. That will not make you feel any better.

Secondly, online dating works for some people, but don't expect too much from a first date. Instant intense attraction is unlikely. Also, the old advice about don't try too hard to find a partner holds true. I met my other half when I certainly wasn't looking! Just be open to the possibilities.

You also sound very lacking in self-confidence - what about some counselling to help boost this? Don't think that women don't like nice guys. Men who are 'successful with women' don't strike me as the kind of man who'd be a life partner. Nor should you worry about your lack of experience, I'd only had one serious relationship before I met OH, and he'd had none. This doesn't bother me, it doesn't make him a failure. I'm certainly glad that he was free to meet me!

And finally, since my previous relationship went very wrong, IMO it is far better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Don't rush things, I know you must feel very lonely, but there is someone out there!

sarymclary

CaptM.

I can't offer you anything more than a (((hug))), but you sound like you need one!

I think you're feeling lonely for very obvious reasons, and it sounded like your relationship before was quite lonely in the end too.

You have certainly tried to be proactive in your attempts to look for a new friendship, but just because those routes didn't work out, don't give up. Hey, you're still a young 43! Think about all the attributes in another person that you would look for, for example, for me it would have to be fun loving, positive, witty, unpretentious, a love of life, strong family values, etc, etc., you get the idea. If I want to find those things in another person, then I should be displaying them too. There's nothing more attractive than someone with a genuine smile on their face, and a great attitude to life.

So, with that in mind, rather than imagining each new contact as a potential partner or sexual experience, see them as the chance for a positive encounter, even if it's just a mutual smile, or passing pleasantries. The more you do this, the more adept you can become. It might just be a 'good morning' while walking to fetch the weekend paper.

I think that your main focus has been primarily on finding a new partner, as opposed to actually enjoying your life. If you have the life - not just possessions like cars & houses - then why wouldn't someone eventually want to share it with you? The salsa classes were a good idea, but it clearly wasn't for you. So, what is? Is there a new skill you want to learn? Perhaps an evening class at the local secondary school/college might have something to offer. Learn a new language, and if you can afford it, go on an escorted holiday using that new language. I don't know if you have time for a pet, but dog walking is a good way to meet other dog owners, and it's like having young children, they always seem to want to make new friends for you. Think about what interests you and join a club or activity around that, where the chances to meet other people, male and female, for company and friendship might occur. This could be anything from model aircraft, to your local lending library book club.

The internet is a wonderful thing, but it can only do so much. Human interaction is the most likely way you are going to meet someone. I used internet dating after the end of my marriage, but found those that responded were either far too fragile and needy, or just after one thing, whereas I was looking for something far more respectable and long-lasting. In the end I gave up on it, and eventually met my now BF of 5yrs by nearly running him over in a supermarket carpark - how romantic!

You mentioned you have some friends, so do they or their partners have any potential contacts? What about contacting old friends from school/work via Friends Reunited, even if just a way of building your social circle. You're quite unusual to be unattached, not divorced and without children at your age, so you come with a quite uncomplicated package.

I hope some of that helps, if only the hug alone!:o

marvin

If you want to try free online dating Facebook has the zoosk application could always give that a shot.

I spent 20 years searching for the next partner so I understand the problem just keep in there something will pop up, if its meant to be it will be.

bluetimone97

I would reccomend trying facebook too, I am in contact with many old friends that way and it is great to be back in contact with them.

Grass_Stained_Feet

you could always stick yourself on hotornot.com and use the meet me bit...only one of you has to pay for the priveledge of contacting the other so if she already has a 'star' then you can contact her for free. Plus you might get a boost if you get a good rating, and you know that she thinks you're hot before she even types her first 'hello'. And if you don't meet anyone then no loss! Also it is not primarily a 'dating' site so there are more people on there that are not simply looking for a date, but who just want to know their rating or meet other people etc....even though the meet me section is when you think about it a dating site, it is less seen as one, and you certainly dont have to be looking for a date to be on it.

Just from a girls opinion, I mean I am only young and you'll probably think me an idiot for even trying to help, but.....being unhappy is not an attractive thing, as harsh as that may sound. A girl doesn't want to be someone to fill a void that is soley yours...there's a bit of alanis morrisette for you! No but seriously, she needs to know you like her for her and not because you are lonely, a guy is a lot more attractive when he knows how to live solo, and is secure in his own skin. Bearing this in mind you are much more likely to trip over a girl when you aren't looking, and when you are happy, easier said than done I know, but it's true.

Do you like travelling? maybe next time you go on holiday you could go on one of those group things, not single things but group ones, where you have a guide etc, could meet someone that way, you never know!

Well, thats my 23yearold wisdom out the way for the night, I hope it was enlightning!

You will find happiness though, everything will work out, just try not to force it...

PasturesNew

I am on a lot of sites and, to be honest, most men's first contacts do tend to be very offputting and a bit creepy. So I delete them.

I think to get an idea what I mean, join a free one as a woman ... and watch your inbox fill up with the same old guff.

Perhaps somebody could look at what your first emails say and see if they are too male-orientated.

Or, what sarymclary said about the angle your first approach takes.

Good luck

ktp1980

Try doing something different like an evening class in something that interests you as it might not help you meet the partner of your dreams but might give you more confidence around the opposite sex and gain some friends who have friends you like!

I try to do at least 1 class a year and because i'm a money saver local schools or colleges do cheep but fun classes i'm doing indian cookery at the moment and i love it also, done body massage, sign lanuage, dance classes and a couple of others it gets you out the house and meeting people.

good luck:T

JCR

Hi - I understand exactly what you mean, I am 42 and feel that the prospect of a future of celibacy looms ahead, because I just never meet anybody new.

I have been to the salsa classes (with my sister) and there are never any single men there, only men who have been dragged along with their wives, so I have never kept going. Go to an evening class but it is filled with unsuitable people.

Your post was very eloquent and intelligent and you seem like a good, decent man so I'm sure you will find someone - there always seem to be plenty of single women around - it's the men that are hard to find!!

Good luck - by the way I am on a site Dating Direct - you have to pay to send messages but it does seem to have large clientele and you never know there maybe someone on there for you. Not that I've had much luck, but then I think I am unusual in that respect.

Keep your chin up and good luck.

debs66_2

Hi Cap'n!

First of all, I have to say that I personally would not date online. there are many that do, but probably many more that don't, or would feel wary, so don't let it be your be all and end all. it's also a very insular way of interacting.

secondly, please don't get hung up about your looks/height/hair. have you ever walked down the street and seen a couple and thought, 'how he is/she with him/her?'. most nice women want a nice man. simple. there are always people you 'fancy' who will not fancy you. you're not the problem, you just don't flick their switch - they simply have other tastes. you surely would not just go out with anyone, you will have a 'taste boundary'. you also might meet someone and think they are fab, but don't see them as any more than a friend. and someone might think the same of you. Taste - that's all. it's not a personal attack or reflection on you. (by the way, i know more men who are not even the slightest bit handsome, but who are a wow with the girls - because they go in with confidence, a laugh and a smile)

I would recommend not making your life one huge ambition to find that special someone. firstly, because being too eager will put many women off, and may even freak some out. secondly, in your rush to get just anyone, that special someone might get passed by.

if you are lonely, fill your life. get a hobby. a dance class. learn a language. do an evening course in anything. build up a social life. you will meet people and enjoy yourself. don't worry if the class is full of men, or the only women are taken, because things happen. there may be another single man there who'd be grateful of a mate to go out into town drinking with... and there's lots of women there! every class i've ever joined has resulted in a pre-xmas drink, and end of term drink .... you get my drift? you go, loosen up, chat to someone, it gets mentioned you're single, the married woman you're talking to isn't interested but her mate has just split up and would suit you....

i guarantee the moment you are not looking too desperate it will all happen. building up your social calendar will give you confidence, and it will be an upward spiral from there.

good luck Cap'n!

Amanda65

I really don't want to make light of your situation at all, but Capt M and JCR could you not contact each other??? Similar age and in the same boat. It could the the first MSE'rs marriage - Martin would have to buy a hat!

In all seriousness though, without appearing too predatory Capt M this is just the sort of chance that people pass up. Hey you may dislike each other intensly - but you mght not! :j