Advice on helping a friend leave a violent relationship

keylimepie

Hi, I'm hoping you guys on here might be able to help me help my friend.

She's been with this bloke for just over two years, a very tall, muscular (he's an ex pro rugby player to give you an idea of his size and strength) man with an extremely cocky attitude and not the kind of bloke you'd want to get on the wrong side of.

Anyway, this man has been taking steroids and other drugs, he's very controlling and on occassion, has beaten my friend. She recently found out that he has been seeing one of her friends behind her back - he came out and told her this just before Christmas. my friend foolishly decided to stay with him as he agreed to stop seeing this other woman. However, he has not. He openly tells my friend how much he loves this other woman, buys her gifts, stays over at the other woman's house and allsorts.

Yesterday my friend decided she's had enough and came round to mine for help in sorting everything out.

Now the hard part - they own their home together, she pays all the bills, he hasn't been contributing anything for a while. She owns a car - which he takes fom her every day and won't let her drive. She paid for all the furniture in the house, the nice tv etc. She says she wants to get out of there but doesn't know how to go about it.

She can't afford to rent anywhere while she's still paying the mortgage on the house, she can't even leave with her stuff as he won't give her her car and to top it all, they work together.

The situation is pretty dire and she's coming to me for help but I don't know how best to advise her. My initial response was for her to go to the police and explain her situation and ask them to be present while she gathers her belongings into her car, obtains her keys and leaves. But this, she fears, will make him angry and he may well follow her and hound her wherever she goes. There's also a chance he might turn his anger towards myself and my family if he thinks I've helped her in any way or if he thinks I may know where she is.

Any help on this matter would be greatly appreciated. I'm worried at the moment that if she doesn't get out of this mess soon, she may do something silly....

moj1966

womens aid would be a god place to start they can let you know about the law and possible offer her a place in refuge until she can get her self sorted.

if she can she should got hold of id eg passport and gather up some money.

www.womensaid.org.uk

good luck to your freind

feelinggood_2

I'm afraid I don't have any advice to give, but the Citizens Advice Bureau has a helpful page with lots of information and links to various charities:
http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family/domestic_violence.htm

Also, AdviceLine have details of charities that may be able to help:
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/domesticViolence.php#adults

ymcas

I helped a friend in a similar situation. Though the guy was perhaps not quite so violent and not rugby player build if you see what I mean. He worked from Home so a little tricky too! All her accounts were in joint names and we had big problems getting her an account in her own name with a guarantee that no documents would be sent to the home address. In the end I opened a joint account with her with my name and address as the lead account holder. Then when she left we took my name off.

If you are going to help her through this make sure you have a support network for yourself as it is hard going. I would do exactly the same again for my friend but it has taken its toll on our friendship. If you would like to email me please do.

Voyager2002

Firstly, she should see a solicitor.

Since she is paying for their home, and paid for the furnishings and so forth, she would have a very good case for keeping it and asking him to move elsewhere. And since he has a history of being violent towards her, it would be possible to get a court order (which the police would enforce) preventing him from coming near the place.

squidge60

have to agree with voyager she needs to get a court order in place i think it helps men like this to come to their senses !good luck to your friend not an easy solution.

Strapped

Voyager2002 wrote: »

Firstly, she should see a solicitor.

Since she is paying for their home, and paid for the furnishings and so forth, she would have a very good case for keeping it and asking him to move elsewhere. And since he has a history of being violent towards her, it would be possible to get a court order (which the police would enforce) preventing him from coming near the place.

But is very hard to live through and they can't be there 24/7 - it would be better for your friend to get right away for a while if she can.

belfastgirl23

I think her first stop has to be women's aid. They are the specialist agency in this area and will also be able to recommend specialist solicitors etc who will be knowledgable and sympathetic in this area. They will also help her if she wants to take any legal action (eg restraining order etc). Women's Aid have a helpline if your friend can't quite face seeing anyone just yet - for details see http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&itemTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help
They will also speak to you as well and I'd advise you to give them a call - I think you need some support on this too.

Good luck. Just keep reassuring her she's doing the right thing as well. Also try to encourage her to talk to EG her parents or other friends about this, partly to lift the burden from you but also partly to encourage her to stick with her plans.

Fran

Just to agree Womens Aid should be the first stop.

Frugalmum_2

I agree Womens Aid - they are brilliant, they really helped me through a very difficult time a couple of years ago. I would recommend them to anyone in a DV situation.

Hugs for you and your friend, I know exactly what it's like but there can be an end to it.

belfastgirl23

Oh I would also say it might be worth your friends while, if there was any recent violence and she still has physical evidence - eg scars or bruises - she should see her doctor just to get it put on record that this happened. In DV cases it's sometimes useful to have a professional to back you up that this was actually happening...