The mental health problem label

poppyscorner

Hi all,

Am after a bit of advice really will try to keep it short and to the point as far as I can.

I had my first baby 6 ys ago (almost) a little girl Jessica and she was stillborn now at the time when she died I was already in hospital and she died when I was not being monitored by the hospital because of this and other things I blame the hospital for her death although I have never proved that in a court of law.

My DH and I were distraught by the whole thing I don't think I got my depression label then though.

I was pregnant again within 12 weeks and exactly 3 weeks before what would have been my daughters first birthday I gave birth to my first son Joe life tbh was very hard I was still furious at how Jessica had died I felt I had let her down and I was terrified to love Joe fearing that he too would die so I kept him at arms length and I was consumed instead by grief for the daughter I had lost and in my head Joe had his dad she needed me (I don't remember much about the whole thing but I remember thinking that) I had a crisis intervention team visit me they left me at home but visited daily for a week during the worst time.

I had been given antidepressants they made me sink deeper now I was useless and taking drugs to make me feel better it all came to a head in October of that year and I decided that was it and I took an overdose.
Almost immediately I was terrified I had everything to live for I felt shame for what I had done I was willing to leave my family and I felt selfish something clicked I didnt want to be this person any more I never took another tablet I went home to my son and I became a mum it wasn't easy but we got there DH left me and I stood up on my own two feet and I was a mum to my boy we fell in love and I no longer worried that he was going to die.

It wasnt all hearts and flowers it was damn hard at times but I had the zest for life again.

That was 4 1/2 yrs ago now and I have never been depressed since I had Josh last year and I was fine I was observant of myself and waited for it to happen but it never did.

So there is the reason for my question this illness I had has followed me like a bad smell since it has been the grounds for my GP refusing me certain medications because I have a mental health problem I have been quizzed about it endlessly in the last year by health visitors midwives and hospital consultant when Josh was poorly recently and it turned out he is anaemic.
I begin my nurse training in March and they have quizzed me lots about it aswell I never felt it was a negative thing seeking help but it seems to me now that I wish I had never bothered.

Having read lots around depression etc I do not think that was what I was suffering from I am more inclined to think it was post traumatic stress disorder so can I get my records changed or can I get an independant review of what my illness was.

Also if anyone can recommend any good websites on either of the above I would be grateful.

If anyone would rather PM me I would love to hear from you but please dont put medical advice in the thread.

I just really want to know where they draw the line because at the moment I am made to feel guilty and like I am a bad mum by so called professionals over this which ultimately was caused by the so called professionals.

Any advice appreciated
Poppy xx

sillyvixen

its really not your fault jessica died .... really dont beat youself up about it!

Supermom

Poppy, I just want say YOU ARE NOT A BAD MUM and give you a big hug.

In the last two years I've had two babies and for the past year have suffered with postnatal depression, I have spent some time in the mother and baby unit and I am also worried as to how this will affect me in the future.
I'm lucky I have a fantastic Health Visitor and she has been my rock. You desserve better treatment than this I'm sorry I can't give you any advice on where to go for help other than maybe changing you GP.

best wishes to you and your son for a happy future.

poppyscorner

Thanks sillyvixen

I know it isn't now those were my thoughts at the time though I know it wasn't my fault because the hospital was to blame for their neglect of us both I no longer beat myself up about it but I am tired of being made to feel like I am mad because of my reaction to it I just wanna know how to fight back.

Thanks xx

poppyscorner

I was with a different surgery during my pregnancies with both Jessica and Joe and when I first saw my GP about my problems after Joes birth his exact words were "If you don't like the baby I will get the social services to take him away" I hot footed it out of there and I complained which led me to my new dr's who tbh aren't all that much better.

sillyvixen

poppyscorner wrote: »

I was with a different surgery during my pregnancies with both Jessica and Joe and when I first saw my GP about my problems after Joes birth his exact words were "If you don't like the baby I will get the social services to take him away" I hot footed it out of there and I complained which led me to my new dr's who tbh aren't all that much better.

i'm so sorry - dr's really need to start living in the real world. they should realise what you have been throuh and understand your situation.

stebiz

poppyscorner wrote: »

I was with a different surgery during my pregnancies with both Jessica and Joe and when I first saw my GP about my problems after Joes birth his exact words were "If you don't like the baby I will get the social services to take him away" I hot footed it out of there and I complained which led me to my new dr's who tbh aren't all that much better.

I didn't know that doctors like that existed. What a horrible thing to say! I suffer from depression but this was brought on by stress. I think it is hard to distinguish between the two. In my opinion they are both anxiety disorders and closely related.

Stebiz

paddy's_mum

poppyscorner - I thought long and hard before commenting on this one.

I can so understand your feelings that the label is following you around like a bad smell.

It is neither fair nor pleasant that your doctors seem to have treated you with a degree of contempt. However, I do think that what is operating so often in situations like this is simply lack of understanding.

Looking back, I recall that I often privately considered that people who had mental health problems had somehow inflicted their problems on themselves or else were being somewhat weak and feeble, particularly if the problem was of "pull yourself together!" type. I felt then that I had grounds to be less than sympathetic, although I was never unkind to anyone with this type of illness. You've seen/heard the kind of comment - "so-and-so is on benefit as she's too fat to move. What a disgrace! Stop pigging then and the problem is resolved. Why should my taxes be used for surgery to help this obese person?" I'm ashamed to report that at times, my thinking ran along these lines - the solution was obvious, wasn't it and I did not understand that there were often grave psychological difficulties at the root of the apparent problem.

But then I suffered a cataclysmic event, had a nervous breakdown and suddenly, I was the one being viewed in this "sort yourself out" way. Only then did I come to understand that the dismissive viewpoint or the stigmatising is so deeply unfair and unjust.

I am still struggling with disturbed sleep (nightmares and flashbacks) groundless anxiety, and panic attacks if I feel threatened in any way. The gales of the last few days have been very worrying as a deep part of me expects disaster to strike again, unannounced and out of the blue, as it did before. In no way do I consider myself any kind of nutter, simply a person who endured an appalling life event and suffered because of it.

I can understand your feelings but have no real advice to offer other than trying to gather around you people who will like or love you, help you with, sometimes, just a kind word or in any other way try to give you strength.

I do also think that you have, in part, given yourself a way forward when you say "I never thought it was a negative thing, asking for help". Perhaps the next time you are quizzed, you should calmly say just that. You might also point out that the longer you go on being a good mum, a hard worker and someone who wants to achieve something important to her, the less room there is for others to keep harping on about things.

To be fair to the health professionals, they probably are trying to do their best for you and perhaps more importantly, your child. Maybe they too, as I once did, lack understanding. Experience is life's greatest teacher - experience of disaster certainly changed one or two of my attitudes. Would it help you if you could find a way to support someone else who is going through a bad time?

I do think that in the end, you have to accept that something so disastrous cannot ever be truly healed by outside influence. Your emotions were fractured by the desperately sad loss of a baby. Just like a tear in a sheet, you can patch it and carry on using it quite well, but the weakness will always be there. In your case, only time will really heal but nobody will ever be able to make up to you for that loss. Perhaps, in some way, be glad that you had to endure all that suffering and misery if it has made you a stronger, kinder and better person. When you complete your nurse training (well done on that, by the way) you may decide that working in the mental health departments is the one sure way that you can use your bitter experience to truly help others. I wish you every success with it and also say thank you for giving me an opportunity to express my own former character weakness and how experience has made me a better person. Good luck in all you do from now on.

poppyolivia

OMG your post made me cry..first of all it wasn't your fault Jessica died...I can't even begin to imagine how that feels and god forbid I ever do! I wish I could give you a big hug!

xxx

mary43

You've done so well to have gone through so much and come through it. Don't worry about the negative views you hear.........you've done well and you know it deep down.
It takes a lot to get over losing a child (been there myself) You never forget but learn to live with it. If you can do that you can take on the world.
Obviously there will always be concern by the health folk but really they are just doing their job and want to be sure that you;re ok.
Well done with the nursing training and I agree with whats been said......maybe when you've completed it working with the mental health sector may be a god option for you. At least you will truly understand what others are going through. So many people don't - hence the 'pull yourself together' remarks.
Stick with being positive about yourself.................you should feel very proud with what you've doing with your life.
((((((((((((:o ))))))))))))hugs to you.

belfastgirl23

Hi Poppyscorner

First of all I want to say I'm really sorry about you losing Jessica. It's an awful thing to have happened and I do think there's something wrong with a society who would expect you to just pick up and move on without any grief or sadness.

Secondly I can't believe the GP said that to you and I'm really glad to hear that you challenged him for it. It was outrageous.

But I'm also going to say that I think maybe you're seeing the behaviour of all the other health professionals in the light of that one GP. I do think it can be appropriate not to prescribe certain medicines to people who have a history of depression, particularly if they might possibly have some repercussions for you. Perhaps your GP is being over-cautious but it could well be that he or she is concerned that prescribing you these medications might cause you other problems. In some ways that seems to me to be reasonable.

As for midwives etc asking you about your depression, again I would assume that they are expected to monitor this if you've had postnatal depression before. I know from your POV it didn't happen this time and it does feel like an intrusion that they keep asking but at the same time they probably feel it's best to ask and be certain that you're okay.

As for your training to be a nurse, again I think it's common that they make sure you're coping okay with it. I know you might feel frustrated that you can't leave your depression behind but at the end of the day the fact that you suffered from depression is part of you and you can't deny that it exists. The further away you get from it the more the questions will ease off but it does seem to me to be important to monitor people who have had depression since it's part of the illness that some people might not realise themselves that they are becoming depressed again. I say this having had a close family member who has suffered with depression.

I think it's worth thinking when you are asked about it that they are asking in most cases because they want to be sure you're okay - it's not designed to annoy you. And it's great that you have come through and don't need it but it's also nice to know it's there in the background. It's easier to cope with if you see it from a positive point of view rather than a negative one.

Good luck with the training by the way