Child access arrangements -advice/opinions please!

elles_belles

Not a new relationship, but his daughter has only just moved away. She has been to stay over at our house twice and she seems happy when she is with us. I think its just the whole hotel thing that I find strange. Perhaps I am being insecure. I dont have a problem with him seeing his daughter at all, I am more than happy for her to come and stay once a month.

hobo28

elles_belles wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. It would judt be ex travelling down and staying over on his own. Im not sure if I am comfortable with this TBH.

So the actual issue is not over access and whats fair but the fact you don't trust your partner?

As a step parent myself I can tell you the hardest part of the job is knowing when to bite your tongue. This is one of those occasions I'm afraid. If his ex is happy and he's happy then you don't get a say. Bite your tongue. Sorry.

belfastgirl23

I'd say your problem isn't exactly with the arrangements but more with feeling a bit outside of them

Why not tell your partner that you'd really like to be a part of his DDs life, that you think she's a lovely little girl and you'd really like to go along. Of course you'd have all sorts of things you could head off and do on your own to give them time together - in fact this might be a good starting point - I've always fancied visiting XX museum, castle, shopping centre how would you feel about me coming along? I'd guess he does get alone time with her at your house because you're doing stuff anyway and maybe he thinks it would be a bit intense doing it all as the three of you but if you make it perfectly clear that you'll be around for a bit but have your own stuff to do he might be fine about it. And it does mean you both get a night away together, presumably you would have to have his DD back home for 7.30/8 so you could go for dinner etc.

I think it's pretty decent of Mum to agree to make the round trip every couple of months TBH and your partner is right that meeting half way if he doesn't drive would be a nightmare..also a handover in an anonymous place is a bit offputting for a child (I speak as a child of divorce who knows these things) you feel like your abandoning one parent for another.

In any case though I think you need to be honest with both yourself and your partner about what your concerns really are. I'd find it tough to be excluded as well BTW but in the end if this is his choice I think you have to try to find a way to support him on it. If you make it an issue it'll make you both terribly unhappy.

Good luck

*Bright-Idea*

Isn't staying in a hotel preferable to sleeping in the car or at his ex's house?
At the end of the day he wants to see his daughter and that's what you should be happy about not worrying about him staying in a hotel

elles_belles

belfastgirl23 - I think you have hit the nail on the head about feeling outside of them. When its been DP's birthday, he spent the evening at his parents, with ex and daughter. I wasnt invited! Also the same on the little girls birthday. They all spent the day together. I wasnt invited and I think it has made me feel very much of an outsider. Just makes me feel that everythings carries on as normal as if I dont exist.

I shall suggest coming along too. I quite agree with letting them spend time alone and it's very important for them to do that. Thanks

Toomuchdebt

I think possibly because he will only be seeing her for so little time-(once a month isn't a lot really is it?) that maybe he just wants her to himself?It'll only be every other month- the months in between she'll be with you...I really can't see what the problem is.I think you'll just have to accept that 6 times a year he wants to see her by himself.The birthday etc is another matter-I can understand him spending time with her on HER birthday but not on his.That should have been spent with you, and you need to talk to him about that.

belfastgirl23

I'd guess it's about gradually integrating into his life with his daughter. I have to say that my stepmother never pushed anything - she was one of those people who had the ability to be there but be in the background. I think now looking back she was secure enough in her relationship with my dad that she didn't need anything from us which was great - all of his previous GFs had really wanted/needed our approval and this isn't comfortable for you as a child. She was there, was nice to us and interested in us, but didn't need to be in control of the situation. And this was very restful.

It would be great too if these visits enabled you to be on at least 'passing yourself' terms with the ex - this would mean that in time, when birthdays etc roll around you would be able to be there. It is really difficult to manage the transition between one family and another and it takes time so try not to be too put out by it now, it will probably sort itself out in the end. Esp if you all focus on what's good for his DD it can smooth over a heck of a lot.

**edit** actually just to say it is good for his DD too for you to be integrated into the bigger family. This didn't ever happen with mine (partly for reasons of geography, partly because too much water under the bridge between parents) and I'm sad about that now. I missed out on a lot because of it, including being a proper part of their family and indeed my dad's wider family circle. So if you were thinking about one day having kids together it's def worth trying to be part of a big, if confused, family now.