Very SAD - people making my life miserable at work :-(

TheWhiteRabbit

I am sorry if this is very long, but I don’t have many people to talk to and I hope to feel better if i put this all in writing.

i have always loved my job and loved going to the office in the morning, until recently when a co-worker has made it her mission to make my (and a few others) life at work miserable. she is quite close to our manager on a personal level/friendship level, and often tells untrue stories about us to make us look incompetent and I suppose to make her look better, due to insecurity or jealousy I don’t know. I am naturally a very calm person who wont let small things upset me, but she has now started spreading rumours about me and a co-worker (who i speak to occasionally and get along with although he doesn’t even work in the same department) supposedly having an affair!
I have had a few other people ask me about these stories that she has told them...

now I don’t get upset very quickly and I am not a very outspoken/verbal/loud person, but I have to draw the line somewhere as these rumours are now starting to affect my work and makes me look unprofessional and incompetent in the workplace, i cannot afford to have rumours like that get around as this will seriously damage my professional reputation and affect my promotion/growth in this company.
she has even told this story to my manager now, who in turn of course have passed it on to someone else!!!!!
I go home upset and hurt in the evenings and cry myself to sleep sometimes... I don’t know what to do? shall I have a meeting with her where the manager (her friend) is present and let her know i am unhappy about her making up these stories about me and that i would like it to stop? shall i make a formal complaint? I don’t even know how to do this? or could i send it all in an email to her, as I am not very outspoken and although I am very angry, I might get emotional when confronting her with the facts and then i will have it in writing? all this is making me very sad, but I cannot continue to have her walk all over me like this!
i am sad and scared that if i make an issue out of this i will be the one seen in a bad light? Especially as she is good friends with my manager who I have a feeling will try to protect her. but if I don’t stand up for myself she will continue hurting me and my reputation.

Please help me with your thoughts on this one?

ceridwen

Well....I guess people in the office generally will realise soon enough that this woman is a fantasist - so just the sheer process of time (whilst other people find out for themselves what she is like) will help.

Its probably best just to have a bit of a laugh about it with the other "victims" and you/other victims make it your business to be noticed laughing about having such a pack of lies told about you.

These people do tend to crop up everywhere - I have had the same situation myself - it resolved in the end with the supervisor being moved elsewhere and her little lying friend is still in place (but neutralised basically). I think a lot of people knew in the end what was happening.

These "liers" often do this about someone because they are jealous of them - try thinking about why this "lier" might be jealous of you. In my case I didnt have to look very far - I'm more intelligent than them/more attractive than them and better off than them (though we are on the same pay).

wolfehouse

if you belong to a union, now would be a good time to get in touch.
i would keep a diary and write down everything in a calm manner and then - if you don't feel you need to repair any 'damage' caused and are just happy for it to stop, i would take the 'offender' aside (alone, no e-mails) and have a quiet word, even if you feel you might get emotional. her intentions might not be malicious- just insensitive.

if that doesn't help the next stage is to approach the line manager and tell them the facts and how it was making you feel. (you will seem more 'professional by having made an attempt to sort things). that is the start of a formal complaint. it would be up to the line manager to bring in her manager friend (i can see exactly why their closeness is upsetting) and/or the other worker, but that is what the diary is for.

If your company has support for stress you should use it now. it is easy to let situations like this- you need to take care of yourself

It may be that everyone is just unaware of how their actions/stories are making you feel.
don't leave the situation as it is. it is not good for your own mental health.
(I quit a job in a similar situation and i feel that if i had said things much earlier and nipped things in the bud it would never have blown up)...it is not that unusual a situation, you are not the only one, but it is bullying...just that the 'offenders' may not even be aware they are doing it.

mrcow

I would make a formal complaint about it and about anything else she has been doing that would substantiate your complaint. It usually stops people like this in their tracks.

Do you have a personnel department? If so, call them and ask them what's their process for starting a formal complaint against someone.

jinny

Hi Had to reply as this has happened to me on more than one occasion. There is always one of these awful people in every workplace. There are many forms of bullying and you are being bullied. First be strong and confront the person, tell them you are not prepared tolerate the behaviour any longer. They will deny it or like my bully said " I was only joking, where's your sense of humour". You then say that their actions are affecting you and if it continues you will take it further. Your employer, union HR department should take this very seriously as they have a duty of care to stamp bullying out. It may seem silly but it helped me to picture the person wearing a silly outfit like a pantomine dame costume or a schoolboy outfit complete with black eye! Good luck anyway let us know how you get on. Huggs

TheWhiteRabbit

Thanks you guys for all the helpful advice, i will try and speak to her in private and ask her to stop. what i am worried about is what people who have heard these rumours will think and will they know she was lying if I dont say anything? I feel like i want to put the record straight and speak to my manager just so that he knows these were all lies. also do you guys think i should have a word with the guy who she was accusing me of having an affair with, i am not sure he knows what she has been saying, unless it has been spread further than just our own office. maybe he will speak to her as well? i dont want to get him involved in any rows or make him feel uncomfortable. he's married, so i dont think he would appreciate any of these rumours either. but i refuse to stop talking to him because of all this. why should i give up friendship with someone because a co-worker is jealous

mrcow

TheWhiteRabbit wrote: »

i will try and speak to her in private and ask her to stop.

Only do this if you are 100% confident in what you are going to say.

I personally think it a bad move as you've already said that you are quite shy. Have a serious think about what you'd want to achieve from this conversation.

Personally I'd be telling her that several colleagues have complained about her to you because she's been spreading lies about you and making them feel uncomfortable watch the look on her face, but that's because I can handle confrontations like that. I woudn't be naming names, but would be making it quite clear that it stops. Now.

It's up to you I guess, but you don't have to confront this woman on your own.

squeaky

TheWhiteRabbit wrote: »

also do you guys think i should have a word with the guy who she was accusing me of having an affair with, i am not sure he knows what she has been saying, unless it has been spread further than just our own office. maybe he will speak to her as well? i dont want to get him involved in any rows or make him feel uncomfortable. he's married, so i dont think he would appreciate any of these rumours either. but i refuse to stop talking to him because of all this. why should i give up friendship with someone because a co-worker is jealous

Actually I think that this would be a good idea. He may well not know about this - and given the way that gossip has a tricky way of spreading - it could get to his wife before it gets to him!

More to the point, after talking it over between you, if you decide to do something, such as talk to the woman or to a manager, you can do it together.

You're already hurts and upset by this; and he could be hurt even more if it affects his marriage (and for both of you perhaps your jobs).

And yeah, I know, quite what to do is the tough question, but from what you seem to be saying you've come to realise that something has to be done. Good luck on working out the right approach.

Nile

Hello TheWhiteRabbit

I'm not sure speaking to the co-worker would be your best option. As she has already demonstrated, she is quick to tell lies and spread gossip. If you had a quiet word with her (just the two of you;) ), she could invent all sorts of things that 'you said to her', 'you shouted at her', 'you swore at her', etc.:rolleyes:

As others have suggested, keep a diary of everything that involves this co-worker and write the events in red ink so that you can find them quickly in amongst the other business stuff. Try to record who was present as they may have witnessed the event(s) too.;)

With your diary in hand, go to your HR department and tell them what has happened, how it is affecting you and ask them to deal with the matter.

Don't let the bully win.

Regards

Nile

Dee123_2

Nile, I'm sure the above diary is suggested with the best of intentions, but keeping a record against a colleague of such things can be classed as harrassment and any evidence from these records are inadmissable in any formal complaint procedure unless the colleague is informed that such recording is taking place.

OP, I understand why you are preferring not to involve your line manager but, as others have suggested, meeting alone with this woman may not be the best option. There would be no witnesses to what take place and she can just deny, deny, deny and place the blame on others as she pleases. Your manager may be unaware that these stories are untrue and there might be a degree of decency in her that she is forced to act fairly when forced to a sit down chat between the two of you. She does, after all, know who is telling her the gossip.

Best wishes to you and I'm glad that others realise what she is like and you are not alone. Fight for the job you love or else think about moving on as few jobs are worth so much upset.

Zazen999

Hi

For me all the above is found in any office environment; but when the line manager passes this 'gossip' on then a line has been crossed.

I would definitely keep a record of all of this - you are entitled to keep your own work notes in a diary format; and to speak to the chap who the rumours are also being spread about and decide together how to tackle them. Incidentally, if the untruths were spread, then it could in turn affect his family, children - all sorts - so he needs to know - from you preferably - so that together you can approach your line manager.

At the same time, you need to find out what the procedure for a grievance is; you need to look into one for the person spreading this and one for your manager; who has not behaved favourably in this situation.

Alternatively you could ride it out and find out what other people in the office are thinking about her - you might find out that she is doing this to other people and thus as a group you can tackle it - officially of course. Is there anyone who you are friends with that you can chat to?

Or find out what really makes her tick and subject her to a maintained attack to undermine her every move, to prove her wrong about everything she does, to pre-empt all her little witticisms - or just be really nice about it and infer at every occasion that she is a little cracked and she needs this sort of fulfillment to fill her empty life - or say that is what usually happens once you reject people after a lust filled weekend [and infer that she is actually no good in the sack] - there are so many options...

I once had a guy do the same to me [I am female by the way], and he went on and on about it; so I just asked him in front of everyone why he was so obsessed with me; surely he didn't still fancy me after last christmas - he stuttered, bumbled some nonsense but that wasn't heard as everyone was sniggering and he never did it again.

With an accomplice also out to disprove her claims, what fun you could have...