Debt counselling

alibambino

im not judging him , but if he can remember things in a pub quiz then surely that means it not a illness, when hes not remembering things like paying bills, and telling you about money, that to me appears to be deliberate, no one should tell you what to do, you need to make that choice yourself, but nobody should be treated the way you have been treated, you deserve better and your children deserve better, at the moment your self esteem and confidence and your ability to believe in yourself is very low, im not married myself but i didnt think that feeling like that was what being married is all about, im a single parent with two kids age 13 and 16 i have been on my own since my sixteen year old was three it is hard in the beginning, but i wouldnt have it any other way,if thats the way you choose to go , if not things need to drasticially change for you and your kids to function properly and to survive mentally.

belfastgirl23

Your post almost moved me to tears. This is a rotten situation to be in and you have every right to be upset and angry and hurt. Your husband is constantly lying to you and I can't imagine the strain this must put on you, particularly if you are also suffering from ill health.

BUT I suppose for me your starting point has to be to try to figure out what bits you have control over. You have the account with the tax credits which means that at least your family will always eat. In some ways I'd say since you have no control over the rest, is it possible for you to let it go? And I'm not underestimating how hard this would be for you by the way, it's just that I think it's incredibly difficult to try to manage a situation when you have no control over it. It might break the cycle of victim/oppresser that you and your husband have - he feels victimised by your nagging (as he sees it) and you feel victimised by his refusal to take such important matters seriously.

I think it's only a matter of time before this situation plays itself out somehow and in some ways it's almost easier if you decide to let that happen - in a weird way it puts you in charge. At the minute your husband is probably using how you behave as his defence mechanism against facing up to things. I think you should sit him down and very quietly and matter of factly tell him that you are stopping. You are not going to say one word to him about money, mortgage, bills or anything else because all the fighting is bad for your health and bad for the children. So you are going to let him run the show unless he wants to ask you for help. You will be responsible for getting food on the table but nothing else. And stick firmly to this. If he blusters about you landing everything on him then I'd just say that your understanding is that this is what he wanted and that he is free to discuss it with you but that there are to be no lies. You are not asking him anything so he has no reason to lie to you. I think eventually he will realise that he can't manage and at this stage you need to get a firm commitment from him to see the doc etc.

I know the risks involved in this. You could lose the house, end up sitting in the dark etc. But what is this compared to your mental health and that of your children? I would really hope it won't come to this but I almost think any certainty and peace is better than what you currently have. You're battling an invisible enemy and you aren't going to win. I'd say make the decision to lie down now so you can fight another day

Remember, the only bit that you really can control is your own behaviour and actions, the rest is just tilting at windmills.

Hope I haven't depressed you. I have used this tactic myself a couple of times (only in desperation when the situation couldn't get much worse) and it has at least helped to resolve it. And it has made me feel better that at least I was able to make a decision and stick with it.

Loads of luck!!

Conrad

His brain circuits are wired differently to yours and as a result he uses different parts of his brain which means he processes the world around him in a way that would be alien to your brain wiring.

Only he can change his circuits - but alas it may take one heck of a jolt from you to make begin this process, and then keep to the chnages he may promise.
People make all kinds of promises when they feel cornered, but its a whole other ball game to get them to stick with thier supposed behavioural changes.

You mentioned relate, but from reading this I would have thought he needs deep long term therapy - can this be obtained from the state?

I assume in all this that you have given his side of the argument otherwise Im in possesion of only halve the facts.

pleasehelp29

so by the sounds of it I need Paul McKenna to rewire his brain for me!
His side is that he lives with a nagging stroppy miserable wife. I'm no fun anymore. Because I not only have the money worries, no control over my life but feel unloved too. How could someone who claims to love me put me through so much. I can't just shut up and not say anything for example when a debt collector comes to the door days after he's promised he's paid the water (this has happened 3 times now).
Just when I've cleaned up the mess, got us on a even keel he f***s up again, excelling the last effort!
To others he is mr charming, they have no idea what happens and think I'm just being a moody cow!

Merlot

I read your thread, and I feel really upset for you.

In my honest opinion, hes very unlikely to change his ways, I think you should seriously consider temporarily separating, this will either do one of two things, make him understand why you have gone, or it could throw him deeper into problems, its a gamble, but after a decade of his behaviour, I would certainly not put up with it any longer, we are only on this earth for a short time and each and every one of us deserve happiness, you are not happy (understandably), normally I would recommend relate etc, but you have been there, there is very little left you can do.

I do hope the situation improves for you.

Merlot

pleasehelp29

I've wanted to have a kind of trial seperation for a bit (in hope missing us he'd come to his senses) but I can't. I am trapped here, no car, nowhere to go and 3 children. I've asked him to leave but he won't go. In such a tiny house it gets really awful when I'm so angry I don't want to be near him.

That's what angers me so, I have no choices in my own life, and as they say life is short. I'm angry he's wasted my years, that belong to me, by making them miserable and making our children go without.

Merlot

Pleasehelp29, you have choices, we all do, are you in immediate danger, has he been violent towards you at all?

How old are your children?

Trailertrash_2

I wish, I wish I had some magical answer for you. I read this with tears in my eyes and anger in my heart that anyone can have so little regard for their loved ones to treat them this way. I'm sorry sweetie, but I would find a way to get out before there's nothing left of you. Keep talking in this thread and together I hope we can all find an answer for you.
TT.

alibambino

Where is the nearest womens refuge? look on the internet to find your nearest one, give them a ring it confidential and thay might offer you someting, can you not go to the local council and tell them you are homeless, which area do you live in? if you dont want to say thats fine too.

pleasehelp29

No I'm not in danger. I can't ring anyone as we can't afford to make out going calls (do still have the net though, but then that's something he wants and the only company I have). I don't think we have refuges here and the council are too far away and expensive by public transport. Wouldn't be able to get the children from school on time and go there.
I don't reallly want to leave him, just somehow scare him into getting his act together finally.