Debt counselling

pleasehelp29

Hi all,
I am looking for counselling for my husband. Not the usual how to pay off debts, do a budget sheet kind of thing but actual counselling.
He seems to actually want to be in debt. I can't think of any explanation for his behaviour. I am on the brink of leaving him, I cannot cope. We've been to relate but due to childcare issues and money we cannot go anymore.
He lies about paying bills, refuses to sort them out, "forgets" to give me permission so I can take over. I am forever discovering new problems, finding out he's not paid things. He is on a low wage but it's not that, it's the fact he doesn't look after what we have got.
He even lost his job without telling me once, and didn't claim benefits until I found out. So we have mortgage, utility and council tax arrears. One step forward...2 steps back. We have outgrown our house and our lives are miserable. But he's ok, he goes to work, gets to talk to people, somehow keeps his car going with no care for me stuck at home, phone cut off, children to feed and cut off from the world. Missing out on life because I have no money.
If I open the bills he gets cross, if I leave them for him he hides them.
I can literally dial the number he needs to call, put the phone in his hand and he'll refuse to deal with the problem. Ends up with me in tears begging a grown man to do what he should do for his family.
I warn him what will happen if he doesn't do something and then it happens.
I am so desperate. I've had a decade of this now.

angelavdavis

Sometimes people prefer to keep their head in the sand - and not face up to their responsibilities and I really feel for you that it seems your husband is one of these types.

It sounds like you have done all the obvious things like you taking over the bills.

Do you have a joint account, can you not give him "pocket money" and set up a budget with him so he is involved.

It is the most difficult thing in the world if you OH is not on board and sadly you cannot have his lightbulb moment for him.

I think it would be worth you speaking with CCCS or Payplan to get some support and see if they have any ideas to approach with him.

Sorry I can't offer any more advice for you.

Wishing you luck.

RAS

Hi love

Not my scenario but as a starter

How many months is the mortgage in arrears?
What the state on the Utilities?
And the Council Tax?

How many of the accounts are in his name and how many are joint?

And have you been on www.entitledto.com to check that you are getting all that you should be?

Iit is not a lot of help in the short-term, but I will post up info on pay for clicks, survey sites etc.

Can i ask if there are any Sure Start set ups near you? ALSo can you join your local library, as they often have free activities that would get you out of the house and enable you to speak to an adult once in a while.

wilf55

sorry about your situation can you take over all the finamces ingoings and outgoings and give him spends for anything he needs etc

at least you will know where you stand

good luck

chevalier

Hi there
Really feel for you about this. But rather than you leave, I would suggest that you have one more go at this with him, and tell him that if he doesn't either a) deal with it himself, or b) sign over all accounts into your name so you can deal with it, then you will be packing HIS bags.

If you have a joint account that his wages go into then set up another bills account which you put money into. Any left over is his to have, but no overdraft on the joint account, so when the money is gone it is gone. At least this way you will have money for bills.

Ref signing up to do surveys etc here are some site I use below. How old are the children? Are they entitled to any childcare places free (ie over 3). If you put them in 2.5 days, then the childcare would be free, and maybe you could get a bit of part time work?

Best of luck
chev

www.lightspeedpanel.com - this is a survey site, where you get points that turn into vouchers (you choose). May not help with the cash flow, but the vouchers could be saved towards birthday/xmas or given as presents.

www.ciao.co.uk - survey site that gives money. A bit fits and starts i.e. no surveys for a couple of weeks, then three or four the same day.

www.yougov.com - again paid surveys. However takes a while to get to the minimum payout level

www.mytns.com - again this is a survey site, but it pays you in points that convert into Nectar points at Sainsbury’s.

www.pigsback.co.uk - this is a points site, i.e. they give you points for buying things via their site. BUT you also get points for signing up for news letters (some of which are even interesting!), and also for clicking on adverts with pink borders. I have spent NOTHING with them but got £40 vouchers through (been registered since January). There is also a thread in the freebies section, of https://www.moneysavingexpert.com that gives you all the daily answers to the competitions so you can have a better chance of winning on them. I won £20 of points recently on the daily quizzes so a nice boost to the Christmas fund.

www.mutualpoints.com - another points for clicks site. You can also buy things via their site and get points too. For a long time, I just clicked the links in the emails they send you, and that gets you 5 points. At 3000 points you get £20 I think. You can do searches via their site and that gets you points too.

www.quidco.com - this is a cash back site, so very good, for checking if any potential new insurers (i.e. if you have checked your contents insurance say and found a new provider), are offering cash back. E.g. Lloyds was offering £120 cash back on new policies at one point (the offers do change). You can also get small amounts of cash again for doing searches via their site. You can earn 52p a day by doing this. Every little helps.

www.greasypalm.co.uk - another cash back site, where you can do searches and get small amounts of money. But it all adds up. I think you can get about 50p a day on there for nothing. Minimum payout is £20 I think, but you can sign up to survey sites via there, and get extra money that way for nothing.

www.topcashback.co.uk - another site where you can do daily clicks to get money for nowt.

www.britishrewards.co.uk - same as topcashback, daily clicks to do searches for pennies a time.

pleasehelp29

We've already tried payplan, CAB, CCCS..etc He doesn't stick to the plans plus we don't have credit debt...just the basic stuff you cannot negotiate. The mortgage arrears accrued while out of work are sorted as we went to court and we have to pay a bit extra on top of our monthly payment, but it's so annoying, I am beyond desperate to move. Nowhere for my youngest to sleep. Nowhere for my son to do homework...not even room for wardrobes.
No hope of moving when he keeps mucking it all up (to be poilte). I try so very hard and go without so much, and through his procrastination it's all in vain.
We've had loans and he forgets to pay off original loan and not tell me. So we had to remortgage...just for cars that he drives, they break and he borrows to buy another (which he needs to get to work).
I do have my own account, for tax credits (we get all we are entitled to) that pays for food and some bills. His wages are in a joint account and disappear within days on bills. I have taken over some at last and got DDs arranged , but there are some left I have no control over yet. We rob peter to pay paul. We are on the lowest tariff for fuel, water I am trying to work out with them somehow.
Simple things like proof of income take him months to produce. I can't go get payslips from his work!
I am just sick of the repetition, I love him but he has all the control in my life.
Sometimes if I catch him on a good day (and he doesn't get cross about me nagging) he cries and says he has a mental problem. He's been to the dr's, but they were no help. No idea where else to go.
Mortagage arrears are 3K (we paid off 1K in bulk thanks to reclaiming charges), council tax is 1K and utilities about £700 and phone bill £200...and our car has broken!
His wages barely cover the normal bills, we don't have spare for arrears so end up paying what we can rather than what they ask for.

Edit to add: thank you for those sites. They look really interesting, There is no part time work here, not driving puts a stp to that idea, my youngest is too little to be left anyway.

chevalier

Okay your last statement is VERY worrying. With the mortgage arrears and the council tax especially you really must keep to the payments that have been agreed by the court. Otherwise they can take you back to court again.

Why doesn't he stick to the plans drawn up by eg CCCS payplan etc? Once the direct debit to these companies has been set up, I thought it was pretty much self running? Or do you mean that he lets the direct debits bounce, by there not being enough money in the account?

I think that maybe you both need to go to the dr, so that you can tell him what effects this problem is having on YOU and the children. Your Dr shouldn't fob you off. Have you considered he might be depressed? I was reading that the symptoms of males with depression and females are very different. Ie men tend to get angry, defensive etc rather than weepy etc. Might be worth doing some research.

good luck
chev

RAS

How much equity is there in the house?

Also can you get his name taken off the joint account and then set up a DD to pay him a small amount of money to cover his stuff, including the car in a basic bank account (no overdraft)?

pleasehelp29

We've only just been able to have direct debits, his last job was paid 4 weekly and he'd not leave money by for them. I don't live a walkable distance to the paypoints so it was his job, driving past one everyday. But he'd tell me he'd paid when he hadn't.
Now he is paid monthly I can do DD again. We pay our council tax and mortgage arrears...doesn't leave much left though (really wish council tax was income based). It's the other things that get partly paid.
He remembers to do his friends favours though, just not help his own family.
I also have a serious illness that gets so much worse when I'm upset and worried. Even that doesn't make him help. He just accuses me of being mad but I think any woman would be upset with him.

I can sort things out if I am in control, sometimes think it would be easier to be single. Single mums I know have better housing and know where their money is. No man to muck it up!

MissEyre

This is a really tough one-it sounds like his head is well and truly in the sand

You have had some great advice in the previous posts-I have only started doing pigsback clicks 'seriously' within the last couple of weeks, and have just ordered my first voucher-if you do that with the other sites too, that could be a useful way of 'earning' from home. It all adds up!

Have you actually sat down with him and made a list of your debts, then your income and outgoings, so he can see how tight things are for your financially? If you can, just stay very calm. Explain that council tax debt is one of the few you can actually go to prison for. Explain that the bank are not kidding when they tell you that you can lose your home if you don't keep up the repayments. You already know this, but it obviously hasn't sunk in with him. Ask him what he sees for himself and his family in the future. If its positive, ask him what the realistic steps are for getting there from your current position. If its negative, ask him why he is prepared to let this happen when your situation is actually relatively simple to resolve.

I wish you all the best, and hope you find the right resolution for you and your family xxx

mummytofour

You may love him hunni but it does not mean the way he treats you is right, It is not right to live in fear of loosing the roof over you head or not to have enough money to feed the kids as OH has spent the money. How many chances does one man need to face up to his responsibilities as a father? I am sorry i sound so harsh but if i am honest OH just not seem to be treating you and the kids with the respect and care you deserve. You deserve better.