Divorce maintenance comments

paulrn_2

Sorry this will be long
I seperated from my wife 11 years ago, my fault no question of that. We have 3 lovely kids now 24, 20 (at Uni) and 16.
When I left I paid her £1200 until oldes got a job and then £1000 a month voluntary maintenance and still do.
Our divorce was finalised 2 years ago
We are still trying to sort out the finances.
I am offering my half of the home (value of house £350-£400K)
£1000 a month until I am 65 and then half my Armed Forces pension £12.5K at todays rates.
I also paid off a joint debt of £10K.
I earn £50K a year, get £998 a month in what is called early departure payments from the Navy and pay the tax bill of a 3rd world country.
I used my gratuity to buy a house with my partner of 11 years and have a mortgage of £1800 a month which I pay and my partner pays the household bills, just about averages out.
My ex wants all the house(no Problem) £1200 a month until I am 60 the £800 a month till 65 then half the pension. She does work but I have no idea what she earns. Her solicitor says I should have my pension valued but I claim there is no pot of gold its a government pension so no fund to divvy up. She also suggests that I would be made to sell our house to pay for all of this leaving us homeless. Am I being unfair, could me and my partner lose everything.

misswig

It looks like you are offering more than enough already. Did you get your gratuity after you seperated? If so then i dont think she is entitled to any of it. If you were paying maintainence through the csa you would pay 25% after tax until your children leave full time education (uni excluded) so you are paying more than fair maintenence as uder csa rules, only 1 of your children qualifies. Why are you still offering to pay maintenece to your ex wife if you dont mind me asking until you are 65? The split starts at 50/50 so she is entitled to half the value of the property at the time of the seperation and 50% of your pension (the value of it when you seperated). Also entitled to 50% of assets you both had at time of seperation. (You are also entitled to 50% of any assets in her name only too at the time of seperation).

paulrn_2

I got my gratuity 10 years after we split, 2 after the divorce was final
I guess its guilt, but I don't like to think of her struggling, although My OH thinks differently, especially as The kids, even at this age, are not allowed to come to our house. The oldest was told only this year that if she visited me that her mother would never speak to her again. I never fought this as I believe that the kids need there mum, I was to blame and I make sure I see them as often as poss and call them every day, even now.

belfastgirl23

To be truthful I have no idea about these things but it doesn't sound fair to me. I notice you refer to your exwife's solicitor. I am hoping this is a dumb question but you do have your own solicitor don't you?? If you do then I think in terms of the legalities you kind of have to take their advice but if you don't then (I am shouting deliberately here) GET ONE!! What you're proposing sounds pretty unfair to you, even to me, and I have to confess to normally being on the ex-wife's side in these matters. Either way, you need to take as much advice as possible and not just from people like me, you need real financial and legal advice I think.

paulrn_2

I do have a solicitor who told me not to give so much away, My ex is holding up the settlement with these demands and to be honest I am near the point of going to court and just paying what the judge says, i dont think they would make us homeless, But I guess I am a wuss and dont want her to be able to say to the kids look what daddies doing to us.

Kimitatsu

Please will you divorce me on those terms?????? :eek:

She is trying it on. As has been stated before it starts at 50/50 and then it is worked out from there. She would be awarded maintenance by the courts if she had not had the chance to build up her own pension fund but given that she is now working full time then that is also up for negotiation.

When your divorce went through did you not run a full financial disclosure on both sides? If not and it was deferred (which it sounds is the case) then I would ask for that now. You have nothing to lose, it basically asks both sides for full disclosure of all of their finances, income from employment, savings, value of pension funds, mortgage on the house, current value of the house etc etc. The court will then take a view on how much is REALLY needed to keep the house maintained and will issue a mesher order which apportions you a percentage of the house. This is until your youngest child leaves full time education (as in school or college up to 19) or reaches 17 whichever comes latest.

It is extremely unlikely that you will be made homeless, but it sounds to me like your ex is concerned that she will be. She can be forced to sell the house when your youngest leaves education and provide for herself after that.

Personally I would call her bluff and ask for full financial disclosure.

Good luck

misswig

paulrn wrote: »

I do have a solicitor who told me not to give so much away, My ex is holding up the settlement with these demands and to be honest I am near the point of going to court and just paying what the judge says, i dont think they would make us homeless, But I guess I am a wuss and dont want her to be able to say to the kids look what daddies doing to us.

To be honest i would go to court. The judge would in all honestly not expect you to pay that much. If it goes to court you both have to fill in a form which declares your financial status and the desicion is based on that. Not sure how this would work as the seperation was so long ago. The judge would also look at how many dependants etc etc. You are not legally entitled to pay maintenance for your ex wife. You are willing to give her the house!!

TBH she comes across as very bitter and moneygrabbing. She may have a reason to be bitter if it was you who caused the split but after 11 years!!! And it is no excuse to use the children against you either. I think you have paid your dues now and i also am usually on the side of the exW.

hannahsmummy1

When my hubby divorced his wife (she cheated on him) she got the house- although they did sell it-she got a bigger split from the house- because hubby wanted to make sure son was provided for in a decent house etc- fair enough. He gives her maintenance for his son. but he certainly doesnt give her a penny for anything else, SHE cheated on him- yet she wanted half his pension- even though she hadnt worked or contributed anything to the house (apart from misery) since the day they met, so when her solicitor aksed hubby to give him details of his pension- he told her on her bike- & she gets nothing of his pensions

paddy's_mum

Frankly I think you are being robbed! It seems to me too that you have been more than fair, and now are being asked to be even more generous. You have paid any dues prompted by guilt and now need to shake off this emotional/morale/financial drain.

I can well see what your current partner fears and to be honest, I suspect that she is wondering just how far you will go to appease your ex-wife, to the detriment of this partner.

I am also appalled that any woman who has been so fairly treated in the aftermath of a split should have the utter effrontery (and I'm trying very hard to be polite here!) to then poison the children of both of you against their father. She is a fool is she thinks that threats will keep your children away from you forever. One day, those children will make up their own minds, defy her and then her power over them will have gone.

I'm with some of the others and believe you should get good legal advice and then let it go to court. I really cannot believe that a judge will say that she is the downtrodden one.

Take care of the current lady, won't you? She must love you a great deal to have put up with all these unkindnesses and shenanigans perpetrated by your bitter ex wife. Good luck with sorting it out but don't be this greedy woman's doormat any longer!

paddy's_mum

Paulrn - I have only just noticed your comment in clioclassic's thread on divorce and dividing assets fairly.

It's a funny part of human nature that, sat at the keyboard, we can always see things clearly when it's someone else's problem we are considering but so much harder to look at things with clarity when it is our own problem we are trying to deal with!

To shove your own comment back at you (in the nicest possible way, of course) it's time for you to get nasty. Personally, I would simply stop paying a penny. Put the ball in her court. Let her have the battle to prove what she may be entitled to. Don't forget either that you are entitled to include prospective inheritances in the equation.

I think you are being way too nice, too forgiving, too tolerant. Maybe it's time you got to grips with what your current lady really feels. Ask her to give you her honest thoughts and fears and then see if there is any justice in what she has to say.

I do understand that guilt is a very strong impetus for you but based on what you have said, I suspect that your guilt should by now be nicely counterbalanced by the mud slinging cruelties perpetrated upon your children by her actions after the split. Some bitterness is natural. My ex husband and I speak only when we have to, at christenings etc but at no time, before during or after, did either of us ever try to hit at the other through/over/because of the children. We're proud of that as are our children now that they are all fully grown and have kicked around the world a bit.

I might be going over the top on your behalf (and I am so angry about the threats their mother made to your children!) but I firmly believe that it's time you got a rottweiler of a solicitor and put an end to the endless negotiations. When do you get closure? Good luck.

paulrn_2

Thank you all for your comments, i feel bad but I think I just have to tell my solicitor to go to court and pay what ever they tell me, I hope it will be less and then I can help the kids more. yes my current partner has the patience of a saint and I love her to bits