Advice on a family "rift" Very Long!

Coupon-mad

I am genuinely sorry for your loss, I have lost family members too and have found that grief causes people to react in unusually emotional ways and a falling-out is very common even in close families. Just try not to let it become a permanent falling-out.

I have to agree with what the others have said. I don't understand why you couldn't have visited at a weekend when your Dad was very ill, it would only have taken up a few hours of one day? Sorry, but I think it's true to say that most people only really see their OH at weekends when they are both working and/or busy with the children during the week. Some people (myself included) don't even see their OH's at all this often due to shifts or longer periods of working away, so I think you are pretty lucky to have the luxury of every weekend with your OH & kids.

Your OH wouldn't have minded you visiting the hospital under the circumstances surely (and BTW I don't understand why HIS Mum was staying at yours when your dad had just died, hope it's not too harsh to say I feel she should have postponed the visit as you had more important things to do than worry about her).

All in all I know you haven't found it easy but it reads as though your sisters have done most of the 'work' - visiting dad when ill and then sorting out the funeral etc., if I were them I would hope their less-involved sister would not argue about times and arrangements they have put in place. They should absolutely not have to work to your OH's timetable, of course, any more than you would want to work to their OH's timetable.
At this stage there is no way I would be mentioning the will! :eek:

IMHO that will cause the biggest fall-out you have seen yet, money/inheritance discussions have to be broached very, very carefully, not by text or phone call just a month after the death. Don't say anything about money at this stage, pleeease, if you want to stay on good terms.

If you are named in the will (or if his estate is to be distributed equally) then you will get your share via the acting Solicitor and you will hear in due course. It could take months to sort out though so just be patient and if you are needed at the Solicitor's office please try not to complain about whatever time/day is suggested.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I understand your sisters' point of view more than I understand yours, based on what you have said.

Fran

What_to_do? wrote: »

X didn't take too kindly to me refusing to go see him at weekends but I did go during the week - once a week most weeks.

I was totally devastated that I wasn't told such a minor detail as this. I was so upset and in telling x this I was told to grow up,stop having a go at her and I should have asked about where he was going from .

I was told that we couldn't leave dads funeral early as it is disrespectful and rude.
I was totally floored again! Another example of me being told I should have asked what time the wake would end!

I received a text the friday before from x asking if I was still going. I said yes and we'd be there 8.30am.
This was met with she didn't want to be there that early as she'd been there all week and wanted a lie in. She was going to be there 11.00.

For example I was told that they are fed up with me putting my family first and that they will not work to hubbys timetable,

They on the other hand have reduced me to tears numerous times with their cruel and nasty comments over the years but I have not said anything to them as I thought life was too short.

So my problem now is I have told my sisters I don't want my parents things. I am very worried however that I will not get my inheritance.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I think some of the replies are not thought through as they don't know the full circumstances. It's difficult for all of you if you weren't getting on so well to start with. You refer to cruel and nasty comments over the years so this is nothing new. It sounds like everyone was grieving and didn't behave in a logical way, for instance the time to arrive at your father's to sort out his things. There could have been a compromise on the time from both of you. Not being told about the timings on the day of the funeral was a mistake but probably just that and both of you were over sensitive to it.

Don't beat yourself up over the judgements you made about how often you could visit your father etc. It wasn't about pleasing your sisters whether they like it or not, it was about you visiting your father while also considering your own family. Yes it would be better if siblings all got on but life is often not like that with families.

You might regret not having some momentos from the house though so if you can make an arrangement with your sister that would be good.

What_to_do?_4-2

I have left alot out as I was trying to keep it as short as possible and stick to the important bits.
Things with my sisters have been strained for years but I've tried to get along with them as best I can.
I used to ring and phone sister y but most messages were ignored so I gave up.
She never rings me and communication goes both ways.
Comments from the other one when I lost a second baby like "oh well it's probably for the best as you can't afford it" and "hubby needs to get a proper job and stop messing around being self employed" is just a couple in a long list.

In no way was my next contact with them going to be over the will. I'm not callous. I was just unsure how to handle it all because as far as I know there is no solicitor involved. It will take the best part of a year to sort out the estate anyway as it's all got to go to probate

mrcow

I guess it comes down to making a choice as to what you actually want here:

Do you care about properly making things up with your sisters?

Or are you not too bothered about that and just want your inheritance sorted?

Depending on the answer to those questions will determine what course of action to take.

pinkshoes

How about just writing to your sisters and apologising for being difficult, and put it down to grief.

Condolences for your father's death. At times like these, quibbles do happen, families MUST pull together, and whether you feel you were right or wrong (I feel you came across as difficult in your post, and got upset unnecessarily - it's often easier for 1 person to organise the funeral and take charge, and the others to do exactly as they're told.) you should just bite your tongue and apologise and sort this out ASAP.

Life is too short to bicker over such things.

Fran

pinkshoes wrote: »

How about just writing to your sisters and apologising for being difficult, and put it down to grief.

I disagree totally! Writing??!!!! If anything there should initially be a phone call (not a text).

I feel you came across as difficult in your post, and got upset unnecessarily

I don't get that impression at all. Getting upset.... OP is grieving and has seen her father suffering, she's bound to be upset !!!!!!!!!

cupid_s

I'm sorry for your loss. But try to think of it from x's point of view - it's not her fault you live 300 miles away and she had to organise everything and then when she suggests times etc it may seem to her like you're being awkward suggesting other times. Maybe she felt a little put out by this and felt you weren't helping enough or that you should be more grateful to her for sorting things. Maybe she also doesn't realise all the time you spent with your dad during the week. She was probably at work so might not even know you'd been going a lot of the time and she might be upset by this.

She sounds like she's being a bit stubborn (and it seems like you might be a bit as well - just echoing shellsuits point about your MIL) but you're both grieving. I would probably have acted a lot worse than her if I was in her situation to be honest.

She's your sister so I would try to make things up with her. Say thanks for a start for all she did, even if she did forget to tell you some minor details. And make sure she knows you did try and that you were there for your father. You all need your family at a time like this.

RadoJo

It sounds to me as though your past difficulties with your sisters have had a real impact on the way you have collectively handled the death of your father, so it is really difficult to sort out which issues are purely to do with him and which stem from an already difficult relationship.

Do your sisters get on with each other, or are relations strained between all of you.

Without wanting to sound harsh, it does sound as though you have always assumed the worst with regard to 'x' - funeral details are easily confused, and taking offence at not having been informed of the details is your choice. It doesn't sound as though your sister wanted you to miss the funeral, so why would she deliberately fail to inform you of the facts? Is it not possible that she overlooked the details and then was frustrated when you complained that you weren't kept informed. Saying that you couldn't help doesn't mean that your sister wasn't donig a lot of work to arrange things, and even though she didn't want your assistance, I am pretty sure she didn't want to feel as though she was being criticised when she was making all the arrangements.

I agree with other posters that it sounds like you have made your choices regarding your family - your husband and kids come first, and you are either unable or unwilling to compromise on that. Which is fine, but you can't have it both ways! If you have chosen to distance yourself from them because of past upsets, then that is your right, but you can't then undo that decision when it suits you.

I think the idea of writing down everything is a good one, but for cathartic purposes - write a list of all the times when you have felt hard done by, then have an objective look at it and think about other ways in which you could have dealt with them, or how it could have been interpreted by the other people involved. It might be that you can come to some understanding of your sisters' viewpoints and at least be able to deal with them on the basis of objectivity rather than pent up anger which you sound as though you may have been carrying around for years!

Catblue

I agree entirely with RadoJo above.

Just wanted to add that you may be inadvertently teaching your own children that extended family relationships are not very important. I know that isn't your intention, but children learn by picking up on all sorts of nuances.

Your children might be getting the idea that sibling relationships do not need to be worked on, that it's okay not to speak to a sibling for years (irrespective of whose "fault" it is), that family relationships in times of terrible stress can actually come second to a partner's timetable.

And if this is the case, when your own adult children are taken over by their own new relationships and their own children, you may have a few lonely years when you get older.

Fran

RadoJo wrote: »

...even though she didn't want your assistance

It is worse to not be involved/have help rejected for some people than be the one doing the arrangements. There are two sides to this.

...but you can't have it both ways! If you have chosen to distance yourself from them because of past upsets, then that is your right, but you can't then undo that decision when it suits you.

Have you read OP's post which says:

What_to_do? wrote: »

I used to ring and phone sister y but most messages were ignored so I gave up.
She never rings me and communication goes both ways.
Comments from the other one when I lost a second baby like "oh well it's probably for the best as you can't afford it" and "hubby needs to get a proper job and stop messing around being self employed" is just a couple in a long list.

It's unfair to criticise OP without knowing the full circumstances. I don't think she needs to hear some of the judgemental comments on this thread when she has had so much loss.