Advice on a family "rift" Very Long!

What_to_do?_4-2

I've been a member on these forums for a couple of years but wanted to keep fairly annoymous so using a different ID.
This is quite long but I'll try and cut it down.
I have 2 sisters. One of which I haven't spoken to properly in over 10 years. The other I speak to fairly frequently and get on with - just - until recently.

In the last 2 years both my parents have died. My dad just before christmas.
Before he died he had 2 strokes. My sister (I'll refer to her as x!) rang and strongly suggested I go see dad. This was not simple as I don't live in the same town, don't drive, have 2 school age children and my husband works away all week so I want to spend all the time I can with him at the weekend.
X didn't take too kindly to me refusing to go see him at weekends but I did go during the week - once a week most weeks. I spoke to dad about my visits and explained why I wouldn't go at weekends and he was fine about it.

Fast forward to just after dad died.
The funeral was arranged for after christmas.
I was in contact with x and I asked her how many limo's we had as my kids didn't want to go in one.
I then asked what time x would get to dads house the day of the funeral because I don't have a key. I was told that he was going from my other sisters house (called y)
I was totally devastated that I wasn't told such a minor detail as this. I was so upset and in telling x this I was told to grow up,stop having a go at her and I should have asked about where he was going from .

OK. Christmas evening I was asked by x if I could have my dads cats as they were staying with y but one of her moggies was "traumatised" I agreed even though my own moggies would be unhappy.
I suggested to y I would pick them up after dads wake around 12.30 (we still had my MIL visiting for christmas and were leaving her on her own all day)
I was told that we couldn't leave dads funeral early as it is disrespectful and rude.
I was totally floored again! Another example of me being told I should have asked what time the wake would end!

Fast forward to a week or so ago. I was told by x that dads house was being cleared on a weekend. I said hubby and I would go the following weekend.
I received a text the friday before from x asking if I was still going. I said yes and we'd be there 8.30am.

This was met with she didn't want to be there that early as she'd been there all week and wanted a lie in. She was going to be there 11.00. No she couldn't leave a key somewhere or post one as it would be better if at least 1 sister was there so no-one can accuse the other of nicking anything.

When I said I'd go another weekend it was met with her arrival time would still be the same and further abuse.
For example I was told that they are fed up with me putting my family first and that they will not work to hubbys timetable, the hubby that works away all week!
So I told her to do whatever they want with dads things I didn't want any of it.
I was then told that I may not care what other people think of me nor do I care who I upset.

To my knowledge I have not said anything to upset either of them - either before or after my dads death. They on the other hand have reduced me to tears numerous times with their cruel and nasty comments over the years but I have not said anything to them as I thought life was too short. I firmly believe in treating others as I expect to be treated!

So my problem now is I have told my sisters I don't want my parents things. I am very worried however that I will not get my inheritance.
I'm not money grabbing but I do want to ensure I receive what my parents wanted me to receive.
I know roughly how much the house is worth but I have no idea what he had in savings and shares etc.
He did leave a will but I only have a little idea what was in it.
Can anybody suggest what I can do?
I am so sorry this post is so long and thanks for reading if you've got to this part but I am at my wits end as to where to go from here.

r.mac_2

I just wanted to send you a big hug.

hopefully someone will be along with advice re: the will shortly xxx

fiscalfreckles

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just remember that your sister is grieving.

I understand your family situation, but it does sound as though your sister has done most of the organising and sorting out here, both before and after your father's death. I know you have your own family now, but you do seem to have been rather distant from your original family. From your description of events, she has made all the arrangements and asked for your help with one or two things & you have NEVER said "OK that's fine" without there being some sort of issue. Which is really what people need after a bereavement, not further upset.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but that's how it reads. You are grieving too, and maybe this is making you overreact to what she is asking you to do.

I feel you both should be supporting each other instead of arguing.

Any dispute with your sister(s) will not affect what is in your father's will, though. That was up to him.

But try and be as co-operative as you can. It's only decent.

Queenie

Sincere condolences, it's still so soon isn't it ((hugs)).

Grief affects people in so many different ways and it's really not uncommon for families to fall out over seemingly really trivial things at this time. Would it be worth phoning your sister again, maybe apologise for any misunderstandings and then speak about the will? It certainly doesn't make you "money grabbing"!

If a phone call isn't possible, could you text x and ask for a copy of the will and see who the executors are? It's possible that x and y will be the executors, but there's equally a chance that your parents may have appointed someone else and you could deal with them instead.

So sorry to hear you are going through all this on top of grieving. ((hugs))

shellsuit

What_to_do? wrote: »

I've been a member on these forums for a couple of years but wanted to keep fairly annoymous so using a different ID.
This is quite long but I'll try and cut it down.
I have 2 sisters. One of which I haven't spoken to properly in over 10 years. The other I speak to fairly frequently and get on with - just - until recently.

In the last 2 years both my parents have died. My dad just before christmas.
Before he died he had 2 strokes. My sister (I'll refer to her as x!) rang and strongly suggested I go see dad. This was not simple as I don't live in the same town, don't drive, have 2 school age children and my husband works away all week so I want to spend all the time I can with him at the weekend.Your Father was ill - you can spend time with your husband any weekend, so would it really have been too much trouble to take one day out, even just a few hours to see your Father with your husband and the children?
X didn't take too kindly to me refusing to go see him at weekends but I did go during the week - once a week most weeks. I don't understand this bit because of the points you have mentioned about not being able to get thereI spoke to dad about my visits and explained why I wouldn't go at weekends and he was fine about it.

Fast forward to just after dad died.
The funeral was arranged for after christmas.
I was in contact with x and I asked her how many limo's we had as my kids didn't want to go in one.
I then asked what time x would get to dads house the day of the funeral because I don't have a key. I was told that he was going from my other sisters house (called y)
I was totally devastated that I wasn't told such a minor detail as this. I was so upset and in telling x this I was told to grow up,stop having a go at her and I should have asked about where he was going from .It was a minor detail, did it really matter where he was going from? From what I've read, your other sister/s had arranged the funeral and were probably up to their eyes in it, so overlooked letting you know, until you asked.

OK. Christmas evening I was asked by x if I could have my dads cats as they were staying with y but one of her moggies was "traumatised" I agreed even though my own moggies would be unhappy.
I suggested to y I would pick them up after dads wake around 12.30 (we still had my MIL visiting for christmas and were leaving her on her own all day)
I was told that we couldn't leave dads funeral early as it is disrespectful and rude.12.30 pm or am?? She did have a point though, I'm sure you MIL would have been fine, after all it was your Fathers wake.
I was totally floored again! Another example of me being told I should have asked what time the wake would end!

Fast forward to a week or so ago. I was told by x that dads house was being cleared on a weekend. I said hubby and I would go the following weekend.
I received a text the friday before from x asking if I was still going. I said yes and we'd be there 8.30am.You probably won't like what I'm going to say, but how come you couldn't go of a weekend to visit him when he was really ill, but you could make it on a weekend day at 8.30am when his house was getting cleared?!

This was met with she didn't want to be there that early as she'd been there all week and wanted a lie in. She was going to be there 11.00. No she couldn't leave a key somewhere or post one as it would be better if at least 1 sister was there so no-one can accuse the other of nicking anything.That's fair enough IMO.

When I said I'd go another weekend it was met with her arrival time would still be the same and further abuse.
For example I was told that they are fed up with me putting my family first and that they will not work to hubbys timetable, the hubby that works away all week! I don't see why they should have had to work to your husbands timetable, your (and their) Father had just passed away!
So I told her to do whatever they want with dads things I didn't want any of it.
I was then told that I may not care what other people think of me nor do I care who I upset.

To my knowledge I have not said anything to upset either of them - either before or after my dads death. They on the other hand have reduced me to tears numerous times with their cruel and nasty comments over the years but I have not said anything to them as I thought life was too short. I firmly believe in treating others as I expect to be treated!

So my problem now is I have told my sisters I don't want my parents things. I am very worried however that I will not get my inheritance. I was going to comment on this but I won't :cool:
I'm not money grabbing but I do want to ensure I receive what my parents wanted me to receive.
I know roughly how much the house is worth but I have no idea what he had in savings and shares etc.
He did leave a will but I only have a little idea what was in it.
Can anybody suggest what I can do?
I am so sorry this post is so long and thanks for reading if you've got to this part but I am at my wits end as to where to go from here.

Sorry but it seems to me that you took a back seat while your Father was ill, plus with the funeral arrangements, and now it is only bothering you because of your inheritance.

I don't see why you don't just bite the bullet and ring one of your sisters (or even both of them).

There shouldn't be a problem with you receiving anything which is in your Fathers will.

belfastgirl23

Very sorry to hear about your loss.

I agree with the others that this is one of these things that happen when people are coping with their grief in different ways. It sounds to me like your sister X is struggling. If she lived nearer your dad then presumably more of the burden of care fell on her. I know from your POV your family have to come first and that this is reasonable but from her POV of course she is more aware of the sacrifices and struggles she has had. And perhaps you're so busy with the kids etc that you haven't always noticed or appreciated this...again that's a really easy thing to do.

In the first instance I'd suggest really making a big effort to see it from her point of view. I'd send a letter saying that you're sorry for the falling out, you really appreciate all she did for your parents and that you would like to sort things out, that the last thing your parents would have wanted is for you all to fall out at this sad time. If there are a few small things you might want as mementos from your fathers house then I think it's worth raising that as well. As the others say, whatever is in the will is in the will and you can't change that now. you will hear about it in the fullness of time so in one way I'd put that from my mind. I do think that if I were in your sister's shoes, if the next contact from you was about the will then that would probably be any chance of a reconciliation gone...I couldn't help coming to the conclusion that you were just after the money (and sorry, I know how that sounds but at times of high stress this kind of thing really does count).

I know that you feel you have been wronged over all of this but I bet if you sit down and think about it honestly, your sister could also make some valid points to say that she was wronged as well.

Lots of luck and let us know how you get on.

Spendless

The others have covered very much what I was going to say. I'm a bit lost as to why you just didn't meet your sister at 11am as she asked though, instead of suggesting a different w/end when she said she didn't wish to meet you at 8.30 or leave a key.

cazziebo

Hugs - what an awful situation.

Firstly, whatever is in the will can't be changed and as it will all be supervised by a lawyer there is no scope for anyone to change it.

What fiscalfreckles was saying struck a cord with me. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, although it was my sister who was doing all the looking after, organising, communicating, and then organising the funeral. As she was closest to my dad she also felt the loss most. My brother lived not too far away, closer than the rest of us, but always found excuses not to visit - usually due to shifts, or the kids had a party or whatever. When it got to near the end, the doctors said that the family should visit as he was only going to get worse. That weekend no one was able to make it for one reason or another (and there are five siblings!) and my sister and I took it in turns to sit with him while the other watched the kids.

this was all three years ago, and I don't know that my sister will ever really forgive my brothers and sister for not spending that time with my dad. She doesn't see it as a snub to her, but to him. Yes, they all had families and jobs and lives, but she put hers on hold to be there for him. My sisters' attitude is that it was her choice, but was it? There wasn't any alternative.

I would say try to understand the situation from your sister's (x) point of view, and make the first move to heal things. It's too important to let this fester.

paulrn_2

Sorry for your loss, I lost my father last year and it can be a bad time.

However it does sound that you did not make an effort during your fathers illness, when my father was ill my partner told me to spend as long as I wanted away. And I know it would have been wrong to put my family life first. I also could not have left the wake early and stayed much later to be with my family, your MiL is still with you would have understood.

I would suggest that its time to repair those broken bridges, before its to late.

cannylass_2

Just wanted to say that belfastgirl has said what i was thinking, but better;)

All sorts of things get blown out of proportion when there is a recent bereavement within the family -little niggles take on immense significance-(I speak from experience here!).

Grief affects us all differently, and I think contacting your sister and "building bridges" (where/whoever was at fault, it is of no consequence), expressing your gratitude for all she did in your father's last days and funeral etc would be a magnanimous gesture that could hardly be thrown back in your face. Once you have made that effort, she may well meet you half way-I do hope so, as you could do without this additional stress so early after the loss of your dad (((HUGS))).

What_to_do?_4-2

Firstly thanks for the different and objective points of view.

fiscalfreckles - I have tried to help out with funeral arrangements. All along before things turned nasty I asked both sisters repeatedly what I could do to help and was always told that by the time they've told me or given me phone numbers etc they could have done it themselves. If they don't tell me what needs doing how can I help?

I was perfectly willing and still am to go over on weekends - and during the week. I was told they were only doing the house on weekends which turned out to be not true.

For me traveling by train and bus to where my dad lives would take the best part of 3 hours each way so by the time I get there I'd have to come back to be home for my children. But I was willing to do it.

I spoke to my dad about my visiting him and he was absolutely fine with the arrangement and at the end of the day it was only his point of view that mattered not my sisters'.

I appreciate the different point of view though!

Queenie, Calling my sisters isn't an option at the moment. It will just end in a slanging match again. I will give sending a text some thought. Thank you.

shellsuit wrote: »

Sorry but it seems to me that you took a back seat while your Father was ill, plus with the funeral arrangements, and now it is only bothering you because of your inheritance.

.
I never said I couldn't get there I said it wasn't simple - as I have said above it's the best part of a 3 hour trip each way and I still need to be back home for my children.

Why could I go to help clear the house but not visit my very sick dad?
Well. I was visiting my sick dad during the week - not at the weekend with his blessing.

My hubby was asked to go help with the house because some muscle was needed to move things. Fair enough. So when I asked him he agreed but asked if we could go first thing as he also runs a small business ( which saved our necks before he got a "proper" job) and needed to do some things for his customers too. Going first thing would have enabled him to do both.

I asked repeatedly to help out with the funeral etc and was repeatedly told there was nothing for me to do.

paulrn - I did make an effort, I visited when I could and rang most days to speak to him.
The last day I saw him alive was the day before he died. He was coughing up blood and had a nose bleed that went on for hours. He couldn't get in or out of bed without help. I helped him, I held him and I passed the tissues to clean his mouth after coughing up huge blood clots.
He apologised to me for letting me down.
When the call came that he didn't have long left, I went over in the afternoon - my sister met me at the station. I was going to go at lunch time ( the earliest train) but my sister said she would meet me after her christmas lunch.

Maybe I have done things wrong but my sisters have too. I have no guilt about the amount of time I spent with my dad before he died. All along I checked he was OK with the situation.

As for building bridges you are all probably right I will give it some thought.