Why are people so rude?

HugoSP

Verbal communication is 7%. Non Verbal is 93%.

Now obviously we have to substitute verbal communication with written on forums, but the non verbal communication cannot be seen.

With written communication, all we have is the written word.

Now, some people cannot communicate very well in writing whereas they make excellent face to face communicators - and other people will be better on the forums than in person.

I often wished I could have chatted up girls on the internet 20 odd years ago, as I was extremely shy as a teenager, whereas I can see the merit of furums in this respect

The fact remains is that there are several ways of asking the question. Indeed tone of voice goes a long way when you say the same thing.

For example:

"My bank has cancelled my overdraft facility, they have not told me why and I can't even get the groceries in."

Now imagine two people that you know.

One is a hard working mild mannered individual who will almost whisper the word for fear of being overheard with the door shut. It is this person who you would want to help or advise in any way you could.

The other is a balshy idiot who sits in the pub all day, gets a few pints down him and practically yells this at you. Your first though is that he probably got himself into this mess, so your response is 'well he can get himself out of it'.

Now look at these words again:

"My bank has cancelled my overdraft facility, they have not told me why and I can't even get the groceries in"

The truth is that you don't know who has said it. You can't assess the person behind the comments, so you have to make an assumption.

I see a lot of assumptions based on a negative view of the poster on this forum, which is a great shame. Better than to give the poster the benefit of the doubt.

Now we move onto an accusation such as the one levied by a previous poster on this thread. 'The OP doesn't listen'.

It is reasonable to expect that the OP reads the answers to his posts or searches for similar answers, is it not??? Well.......

Searches are a bone of contention. Those who have confidence in search facilities and are good at using them often annoy me. Why, because they think that it is so easy that everyone should be able to do it. WRONG!!!!

They find it easy, others do not. Then within that group there are those that can't be bothered, those that try and get it wrong and those that are learning and gradually getting it right. If you have a complex question what search criteria do you use? Is there another term for your query that you don't know about? etc etc.

There are some people I know that are increadibly bad at certain everyday tasks, despite their best efforts. Often but not usually, this lack of ability can be linked with dyslexia, ADHD, Autism etc. or even mental ilnesses. It can also be due to the way that the mind has been trained to work. I know one girl in my DDs year who is dyslexic and struggles to name the months of the year in order. Difficulty in sequencing is a common trait with dyslexics. Her grades at school are fine and she shows no outward sign of any disability.

So, quite frankly you don't know who you're dealing with when you say things like "if you bothered to use the search button".

Now lets get onto reading what is written. Quite often people, through no fault of their own, are looking for particular statements and cannot compute what others are telling them.

The most recent time I experienced this was when I was talking to my accountant. Although he was speaking english and I heard every word he was saying and understood each work and its meaning on its own. I was embarressed to admit that I couldn't understand what he was telling me. He had to make his point 3 or 4 times before I grasped it. It was not a difficult point to grasp, it was basically about apportioning profit to different partners, but I couldn't even begin to understand the sentance - yet he is a very good communicator. It was like my mind was switching off!!

Now you/he may write me off as thick. He knows me better than that but you don't.

For the record I am well educated, have an engineering honours degree and an MSC, and a collection of secondary school grades. I also run my own business. But you just have to take my word for it.

Recently I asked for help on the techies forum about copying a CD on a computer. I knew about burnng CDs etc but not copying from one CD to another. I posted the question and got a number of responses about burning CDs. I thanked them all for their help, then explained that I needed to make a copy a CD, not just burn files from my pc onto a blank cd.

Then I got some answers as to what I wanted. I couldn't see how I had confused them but they must have thought that I wanted to copy files onto a CD .

I don't know where the communication breakdown occurred. It was probably at my end but I can't see how. If that's the case then it's a mistery to me, I shall probably never know.....

Fortunately none of them were rude to me, despite their possibly thinking that I was asking the same question over and over again.... Until we all had the lightbulb moment.:rotfl:

So I would say in conclusion that rudeness is a human trait, but before we are tempted to be rude, we should all take a step back to see if we can diffuse the situation or settle the individual down and explain the solution in a way that he can understand, or even improve communications.

Wig

I couldn't find the referred to thread (by welshman above) "I have been ripped off" either. I found the OP's other thread on mortgage fees and found the replies to be perfectly reasonable.

I rarely see rude replies on MSE, maybe the "mortgage & Endowments" board has more than it's fair share of rude people I certainly don't frequent this board, but I have been here before and recieved some holier than thou replies to threads I commented on. But I am thick skinned, it's water off a duck's back to me.

Regarding the recent comments on "to search or not to search". I rarely search before posting, because the membership here is so large that there is always someone who not only knows the answer to your question but is also perfectly happy to reply to you without a hint of being grumpy that you did not search first.

I believe that if people feel grumpy about "yet another question on such and such" they are in the wrong place. You are here to help others, if you can't do that happily and freely then you are in the wrong place.

If you have a problem with your car you may ask on the motoring board, where I would be happy to help you, even, if it is one of the common every week questions.


My one gripe on MSE as on all internet boards is people who don't return to post an update. Having recieved help the vast majority of people do not return to their old threads and say what happened to them in the end, how the problem was resolved, or not. Thus not helping people who do search old threads for info, not to mention the people who gave their assistance in the first place who would like to be kept informed of how it turned out.

HugoSP

dunstonh wrote: »

It was observed on a thread that other day that those posting in an aggressive style tend to get responses back in an aggressive style as well.

It is also easy to assume the other person is being aggressive when they don't intend to be. In a verbal conversation your calming response can quickly but painlessly put paid to an aggressive style without you even knowing you have done this. The internet doesn't give you that option.

Also, I would say that some regulars on some forums seem to get away with an aggressive style 'because we all know they don't mean it'. The same is true in real life.

i.e. posting that something is a con or you have been ripped off when in reality it isn't a con or you haven't been ripped off but you have either misunderstood or you being just plain greedy.

You are a mortgage advisor, I assume you are well practiced at reading legal documents and you realise the importance of doing so.

There are huge numbers of people out there who don't understand finances, which is why you have a job. It is these same people who are suspicious of financial institutions, who, lets face it - have been dragged kicking and screaming towards transparency.

Some of these people simply lack communication skills. It doesn't make them greedy or thick etc. It makes them confused, angry scared, frustrated etc etc - you can't judge people by a few paragraphs. What seems obvious to you is not obvious to me.

Since the dawn of the internet, when Usenet was the main discussion, FAQs have always resulted in negatives responses from regulars. There is a netiquette that you should always search before you ask in case it has already been asked and it is a good idea to lurk for a while so you can see if your subject is covered.

That is a good aim I agree. However, read what I have said about searches etc.

FAQs rarely help me with PC problems. Not because I don't read them but often because the answer's in there but different terms are used that I have never heard of. . Other people will find the same with financial issues. That is why we employ IFAs.

As an example, your answer to my question "How does an Investment Isa work?" may be "An Isa is a tax wrapper". That means nothing to me but to you it's all the information that question asks for.

So, whilst you complain about responses being rude, asking an FAQ is rude as well.

Whilst it may seem rude, it doesn't necessarily mean that the person didn't read the FAQs. He may have read them but not understood them - Like me with my PC problems. So I don't think it's a given that asking an FAQ is rude. It may seem frustrating to you I grant you.

Its even more rude when posted in an aggressive style.

I do agree with that

Remember, these forums exist and work so well because of the regular contributers. The ones that visit daily and answer questions. Without them you would just have one post wonders posting questions and not getting answers.

I agree with that as well. You are a star in this forum whilst I do what I can with the DIY type questions :T

So, look at it at from the regulars point of view. If you had been here longer and see the question asked daily or even twice a day and having answered it a hundred times before already, how would you feel?

I see your point here.


EDIT:

Just to add, what really annoys me is when people disect what someone else has written, then post a long speel splitting hairs with every comment, then adds edited comments to carry on making the point.

That really should be banned IMO:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Wig

dunstonh wrote: »

So, look at it at from the regulars point of view. If you had been here longer and see the question asked daily or even twice a day and having answered it a hundred times before already, how would you feel?

I'd be perfectly happy to answer it again. (and if hypothetically I wasn't happy to answer it again, I'd either leave the site OR avoid answering it alltogether) and if I was so committed to the site and saw such questions daily, I would set up my own FAQ document on my computer to copy and paste a reply quickly including relevant links. What I would never do is gripe at the OP for not searching, because I know NOTHING about their circumstances.

thewelshman_2

My apologies to the OP, it wasn't their thread, I mixed up usernames.

But that thread I was referring to is a great example as to why people get annoyed on here.

HugoSP

Wig wrote: »

I'd be perfectly happy to answer it again. (and if hypothetically I wasn't happy to answer it again, I'd either leave the site OR avoid answering it alltogether) and if I was so committed to the site and saw such questions daily, I would set up my own FAQ document on my computer to copy and paste a reply quickly including relevant links. What I would never do is gripe at the OP for not searching, because I know NOTHING about their circumstances.

And I thought I was the only one that thought like that!

Thank you so much!

The other alternative is to post a link to the previous answer you gave someone else.

Wig

thewelshman wrote: »

My apologies to the OP, it wasn't their thread, I mixed up usernames.

But that thread I was referring to is a great example as to why people get annoyed on here.

Can we have a link? I can't be bothered to search

dunstonh

No i dont agree full stop

You are a mortgage advisor, I assume you are well practiced at reading legal documents and you realise the importance of doing so.

I am not a mortgage adviser. Not that there is anything wrong with being one - I know what you are inferring though and you are correct.

I know I am one of the ones guilty of being a bit quick to get fed up with rude FAQs and I know I shouldnt but it is damned frustrating at times and the attitude of some of the posters who start the threads is the main reason.

Keep a look out and you will see that the polite requests, even if FAQs, generally get polite responses. Those coming in all guns blazing generally get a similar response style back.

There have been a few threads recently where someone has asked an FAQ, got a relatively polite response along with the reasons why it happens and including the economics and mechanisms behind it and they respond "don't believe you" even though there are multiple people saying the same. They then continue to post negatively despite been given the facts. That is rude as well.

I dont think there is an issue in this section or any other. A forum this size is always going to go get the odd thread and the odd troll trying it on. Also, if you read some of these "negative" threads, you often find they are the ones which have the most information and have the best debates.

I agree with Wigs post higher up that those that post a question, get some answers and then never return are a pain as it would be nice to know how things were resolved or what happened. Not much you can do about that though.

The OP has only been here one day and has made one thread (not including this) and got accurate response with no rudeness. You cannot make accusations against those on this forum based on 1 day of posting.

HugoSP

Wig wrote: »

Can we have a link? I can't be bothered to search

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


How Rude!

LuciferTDark

Woby_Tide wrote: »

some people find it rude when they ask a question (in good faith normally) and get a short response based on the fact that it's been asked/answered many times before

some people find it rude that people can come on the forum and ask a question without bothering to search and see if someone has taken the time and effort to help someone previously with pretty much the same problem

I'd probably say the second scenario is more rude, the first one tends to have exasperated/frustrated users not wanting to answer the same points again and again when a search facility could have come up with the solution.

If someone searches then can't find their answer then ask the question and poiint out that you've searched, I think you can expect to get a courteous reply and people shouldn't be rude though.

In the context of the OP's other thread that was a bog standard query on a mortgage application fee that is asked nigh on daily, i think a search would have answered their question.

With the utmost respect Woby I've searched for things before & not found them due to not knowing the right words to search for, take the words "rip off" for example, do a search for those exact words & you'll find 200 threads, now that's a lot of irrelevant reading to do. Just because I couldn't find the right thread & ask a question that's been asked more than once isn't a valid excuse for someone to call me a lazy git like Wig, no offence intended Wig