Awful news need advice how to help...

D&DD

Just had a call from my friends OH.She is 24 weeks pregnant and has been admitted to hospital.She hadn't felt the baby moving properly so popped in to have a scan today to reassure herself..but they found the baby although alive has stopped growing at about 19/20 weeks..

At this moment in time they have been told its not looking very good.She has had the steroid injection and will be having an emergency caesarean in the next day or so.

I have never experienced or had anyone so close to me experience something like this before and although I can cope with most things I really do not know where to start with this.

How do I best support them when they need me the most????
I'm only 12 years older than her but am like her surrogate Mum while hers is living out of the country I've known the whole family for 15 years..

Is there anything I should be doing?? I'm stuffed for getting up the hospital due to my boys 'bits' but can I support them from this end at all.

Thanks so much for any advice,back on later got to go feed her littleone

dobs

When my son was born at 27wks and the prognosis wasnt good (thought thankfully he pulled through) the biggest supportwe found were those that stuck with us, even if they felt helpless, and were there to visit and sit quietly with us when we were too upset to talk, or willing to listen to us when we needed to andgive us a hug. Practical help too would be appreciated if they need anyhelp at home as they will be at the hospital a lot. Ireally hope the little baby pulls through this but whatever happens just bybeing there and not shying awaywill really help and be remembered and appreciated.X You sound like agreatfriend to have!

journ

Aw i am so sorry just being there will be a great help but i understand it will be very hard to say the right thing
I really hope everything will be OK

mary43

So sorry to hear that D&DD.............don't what more you can do that just be there for her no matter what. You have your hands tied as you say but let her and her OH know that you care ........once you know how long she may be in hospital for a nice card would mean a lot I'm sure, and phone calls if you can. I know its not always possible in hospitals.
No words are the right words when someones going through something like this and not know the outcome and sometimes silence can be a good thing.
But you know your friend better than anyone. Best wishes to them and to you.............take care and god bess

Tashja

My friends baby died when she was 41 weeks pregnant (due to measels) and she had to go through the birth, etc.

The one thing that I found was my friend wanted to talk, she wanted to tell people about the birth and about her little girl but nobody would listen. They would tell her to "shush now you don't want to upset yourself" or they would pretend the sad event hadn't even happened.

So my advise is to talk to your friend - if she wants to talk about her baby then let her talk - don't pretend it isn't happening because sadly it is happening and she is going to need people to talk to.

I am praying hard for your friend, her family, her baby and you. It is a very hard situation to be in for all of you

((hugs))

T xx

tiamai_d

I agree with Tashja. It will be a very traumatic birth to go through, regardless of the outcome. At some point she will have the need to talk about what happened, over and over again.

This is a natural thing for women to do after any birth, though people may tell them to 'try and forget about it', you can't. And part of the healing process is to talk about it.

When she is ready and she starts to talk, let her talk to you as it will be hard for her to talk to her husband and family after all they will have gone through it too.

There is a wonderful website http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

you can direct her to it at a later date, or contact them yourself.

best wishes for your friend and her family.

flutterbyuk25

I also agree with what the others have said re allowing her to talk about it if the worst does happen.

Depending in where she lives and if it does happen she will more than likely have photos/hand prints taken of the baby by the hospital to help her through the greiving process. Do look at these if she asks if you want to see them. A close friend of mine lost twin boys after giving birth at 24 weeks recently and she said the worst thing was that people did not want to see the photos because they thought it might upset her, when all she really wanted was for people to look at what would have been her beautiful boys.

My thoughts are with your friend

x

D&DD

Thanks so much for all the replies its so sad to read other peoples experiences of this too,thanks so much for sharing them so I can get an insight into just what emotions she'll be going through.

Just a waiting game now OH's not back yet from the hospital so will update when I have have some news.We do confide in each other over most things and theres nothing I feel I can't be open about with her and she's the same with me so hoping I can help them both through.They only live a few doors away so I'll be on hand if needed fortunately.

Hoping her Mum gets here in time as she's on her way, should be here this evening.She misses her dreadfully so it will be good for them both to have that time together,I knew her mum first so I expect I shall be seeing her tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks again Dee XX

shelley_crow

I know it's not exactly the same but my friend lost her young son about a year ago. She said that she had "friends" avoid her in the street because they didn't know what to say to her, she said that this made a bad situation worse. She also had t.w.a.ts say to her "don't worry, you can have another...i know how you feel my dog just died". People will come out with hurtful platitudes, she might need extra support to cope with this. I can only echo the sentiment of being there for her, even if she just needs a hug. My thoughts are with OH friend xx

specialK

So sorry to hear this.

OK, a bit different, but my friends sister needed a medical termination at 29 weeks. Like others have said already, don't make it a taboo subject. She will need to talk about what she is going through. Not letting her talk will just make her angry, because this IS happening and talking helps us understand.

Don't beat yourself up worrying about what you should/could be doing, You sound like a very good friend and if you are anything like me and mine, even those 'silent moments' are not uncomfortable, nor are the ones where you burst into tears when you see each other

Being there for her is the best you can offer, then you can get through the obstacles that are put in your way..together

Thinking of you all ((((((hugs))))))
Mandy x('.')x

Dasnookster

shelley_crow wrote: »

I know it's not exactly the same but my friend lost her young son about a year ago. She said that she had "friends" avoid her in the street because they didn't know what to say to her, she said that this made a bad situation worse. She also had t.w.a.ts say to her "don't worry, you can have another...i know how you feel my dog just died". People will come out with hurtful platitudes, she might need extra support to cope with this. I can only echo the sentiment of being there for her, even if she just needs a hug. My thoughts are with OH friend xx

This is so true, I don't want to go into details as its very upsetting, but something devastating happened to me and my husband a few years back and there are still 'friends' and work colleagues that avoid us even now, I assume because they do not know what to say. It doesn't matter what you say - talk about the weather, go and watch a film round at hers, anything just let her know you are there, if she wants to talk, let her talk, if she doesn't want to talk just let her know that you are there for her when she does want to talk. Even tell her you don't know what to say if you don't know what to say, but let her know you are there.