Changing my surname - Your thoughts

haylibo

What i am thinking of doing is changing my surname to my mothers maiden name which is very unusual and do feel a connection to that one as i am very close my my mothers side of the family.
Sounds like the perfect solution and a lovely idea. Takes you 'back to your roots' as it were without getting into the issue of 'stepdad versus birth dad'. If I was your mum I'd be really proud. Good luck.

Hayles

RonnyJ

Well quick update

I told my mum last week (was putting it off for loads of reasons) she was fine with it. My now my Step dad and younger brother will not talk to me as they feel i want nothing to do with them. Was quite stressed yesterday but it's done now and i feel more happy with my new name.

I had a nice row on the phone with my stepdad who told me (i moved out years ago) that if i had any of my stuff there with my old name on it he wants it gone (stuff up the attic etc) at that point told him don't make threats at me and put the phone down and not heard from them since.

They keep saying it's only a name etc but it's a name i don't like so told them you want me for the next 50 years to have a name i dont like just to please you?

Any thoughts as there is no way atm i'm phoning them as don't feel like i should.

poet123

To be honest if I had brought up a child from a young age and he had my name,and suddenly out of the blue he changed it,I would be upset.

I think as you brought this out into the open,it should be you who offers the olive branch,it may be just a name,but it s obviously important to you,so you should be able to appreciate that it has the same level of importance to your step dad. he will not see it as you feeling disconnected to his extended family,just that you are rejecting his name,and by inferance him and what he has been in your life. Maybe unreasonable but understandable,try to put yourself in this position some years down the line. Presumably it is also causing issue between your mum and step dad?

I would write him a letter,trying to explain your reasons and stressing you do not feel disconnected from him,and aplogise for any unintentional hurt(becasue that is what he is feeling) Hopefully once he has calmed down and re read the letter several times he will come round.

That is my advice,but having never been in such a situation or experienced a family divorce, it is only my gut feeling of why he reacted in this way,so feel free to ignore!!

lilac_lady

If you had gone back to your birth father's surname I can see why your stepfather would feel angry as he had more contact with you than your original father. I think you've done the correct thing in taking your mother's maiden name. If your SF persists in his attitude it may not be very long till your mother reverts back to her maiden name after a divorce! I'd take the previous poster's advice and write a polite letter explaining things in the hope tha the family will settle down and be happy with each other.

daphne_descends

I think you have to do whatever makes you happy - no one else matters. I took my mother's maiden name when she divorced my dad because it felt right. He was very p*ssed off, but that's his problem, not mine. We don't speak now (10 years on) so I am very glad I did.

I feel more connection to my surname now for where it comes from, and so probably wouldn't change if I married. My son has my partner's surname, and I am perfectly happy with that. It suits him very much. I am not in the least bit bothered about having a different surname to him, or how that will affect things, it is hardly rare these days and I don't need the same name to prove he is mine!

I would just give your step dad and brother a bit of time, they might think their silence will convince you to change your mind, but when they see that it doesn't, and that your name doesn't change who you are but you are happier for it, they will come round eventually.

Good luck

searching_me

i was having a very simlar experince at the moment all though i cant stand my step-dad or my mother (loooooooooooonnggg story) but when she married him she forced us to have his surname (i was only 5 so it was a case of do as i say) i also have nothing to do with his side of the family although i do get on with my step bros just for the fact my DD loves them to pieces.... like you i dont feel a connection to this surname and its feels odd when i call myself and my DD it (step-dad forced me to put surname on birth cert) ... i say you do as you feel best if you cant stand the idea of being this surname i say change it.... i told my mother before we stopped talking and she hit the roof but as i pointed out to her i am not his child so why should i have his name if i didnt want it in the first place xx

elmer

My brother was in a similar situation and decided to change his name to his wifes by deed poll. He did consider our mothers maiden name but thought it would be a bit weird as he has close cousins with that name. I of course solved my name problem by marrying and taking my husbands name. But it can be difficult for other family members who dont understand a search for a personal identity that has nothing to do with whom your parents have chosen to marry (and divorce) at various times in their and your life.

Good luck with your decision

Elmer xx

seven-day-weekend

I took my husband's surname when I married at 21 and I am now 58 and still married to him. TBH this is the name I feel comfortable with and is our son's name too. I had surname A when I was born, I was then adopted as a baby and had surname B, then my husband's name. Surname A means nothing to me at all and surname B is that of a young girl, a different person to the one I am now.

Therefore even if my husband dies (heaven forbid) and I remarried (doubtful), I don't think I would change it. I might consider double-barrelling it (no chance of any more children) and I would still have the same name as my son.

My husband had a stepfather whom he loved, but he never took his name as he wanted to keep his own.

To the OP, I would change it to whichever one you feel comfortable with, but try to explain kindly tactfully to your stepfather why you are doing so.

Craftyscholar

RonnyJ wrote: »

I told my mum last week (was putting it off for loads of reasons) she was fine with it. My now my Step dad and younger brother will not talk to me as they feel i want nothing to do with them. Was quite stressed yesterday but it's done now and i feel more happy with my new name.
I had a nice row on the phone with my stepdad

Might have been better if you had discussed it with your stepdad rather than your mum and explained to him. I can see why he might feel that you are rejecting him as well as his name. You don't say if he was a bad stepdad while you were growing up.
What is his relationship with your older brother since he went back to calling himself A?

td

You have to do what's right for you - if it doesn't feel right now though it's not onna feel any more right if your wife and children have it.

I think your mum's maiden name is a good idea.

td