Parents?!

Wyndham

My dad is gone, and my mum is difficult (and always has been). She has no interest at all in anything I'm doing, and the long phone calls are all about her talking - she doesn't listen. I spent many years thinking 'I should be able to do this' and in the end have realised that my mental health is important. So I now ring her every couple of weeks. She lives some distance away.

It may sound callous, it may sound mean. But the only thing we really have in common is that we're related. And at 56, this 'duty' has gone on for a long time now.

Not sure that will help the OP!

otb666

I used to visit weekly then when first one passed away 3 times a week Luckily had been made redundant so we had the time. Then eventually managed to get this down to twice a week. But had several calls a day from them at this point. The gardener and sainsburys were weekly as well. We were continually moaned at as well. At the end we would get calls from them saying that they had had a long conversation with the police and they would be calling at our address.They were both very needy the last 6 years between ages 82-86 and 87-93. Also got accused of stealing and was not allowed to do anything but sit on the sofa. I think you just have to accept this is how they are and not take any hurtful comments to heart and just remember that is just a process of aging becomming more needy but refusing to do anything about it

eastcorkram

Was a visit once a year for me. Occasionally twice. Phone calls probably once every four to six weeks.

Grumpy_chap

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6678496/parents

I don't think your Mother's wishes are exceptional. Nor do I think that her wishes are necessarily healthy.

My MiL has a similar level of expectation of my wife.

My MiL spins this as it being because it is what my wife wants where the reality is it is because MiL can't / won't initiate her own activities. The outcome is the level of "duty" creates a stress for my wife and MiL gets stressed also when my wife cannot attend. We do try to encourage MiL to get out and do things with people of her own age and interests.

Newly_retired

There is no norm. When my parents were alive I was working in a demanding job, so I only managed to visit every three weeks and spoke on the phone once a week. With hindsight I should have made it more often as they got older. My daughter and I message each other practically every day, sometimes several times a day, but mainly only see each other once a week, not on any regular basis. I would love to see her more often but I know how busy she is. I see my son once a fortnight when he comes to do some jobs for me. Again, it would be lovely if it were more often but he has a job and a family.
Fortunately I am in good health and have lots of regular commitments. But there are still lots of hours spent alone, especially in August when most of my routine groups take a break.
Your parents have at least got each other.
You must do what feels right for you, bearing in mind that it may have to increase in the future.

Jemma01

I know my sisters communicate with my mum daily, phones and messages, visits are roughly 2-3 weeks.

I visit every 2-3 weeks, hi/bye messages maybe 1-2x a week. But I don't call or have text conversations. Not proud of that, I do feel guilty that I'm a bit distant.

GrubbyGirl_2

You have to do what's right for you, there is no set rule to make you feel better about what you want to do, in fact asking others you may find that more are doing what your mum would like you to do. My parents are both now dead but when they were around my contact with them did change over time. From the age of 27 I was not local to them, in there later years I lived 200 miles away. I used to visit them around 2 times a year and they used to come to me a couple of times a year. We used to talk on the phone about once a week.

When my dad had to go into a care home I was worried my mum would be lonely so I started to ring her every day when I was driving home from work. I was basically just checking in and the calls would be no more that 5 mins. My mum never expected me to do it, she never said anything if I didn't (usually my reason for not doing it was because I was talking to someone else instead) and I actually used to enjoy talking to her any way. In fact when she died I really missed our calls, so much so one one my very good friends used to call me on my drive home from work just to check in like I used to check in with her. That was a good friend

BridgetTheCat

My parents are mid 80s and live 400 miles away so regular short visits aren’t possible. I visit for about 10 days a couple of times a year. We text or send a photo probably every other day and have FaceTime for about an hour at the weekends. It’s more frequent just now because my dad isn’t well.

I’m an only child but my cousin (their niece) and her partner live about half an hour away and visit my parents about once a month.

My parents moved to a McCarthy Stone flat when my dad became disabled about 12 years ago and it gives them a decent community and social life without leaving the building. Mum maintains good friendships with her old work friends and my ‘uncle’ who is actually an old school friend of my dad’s lives nearby and visits regularly.