Parents?!

Sarah69

Hi,

I'm curious to know how other families are together. I have 2 elderly parents both just turned 80. I’m 57 and have 2 sons that both still live at home and a grandson of 11. My children and I all work full time, although I only work 3 long days a week. My mother in particular seems to think I should spend a lot of my time with her. For instance if I’ve seen her on a Friday then I don’t see her until the following Friday she seems to think that’s a long time. It’s just 7 days! She also goes on about other families ring their parents everyday. Can other families tell me how they carry on please because I don’t think this is normal behaviour!

oldernonethewiser

What is normal for one family isn't for another.

If you don't want to spend any more time than you currently do with your parents then that is absolutely fine.

sammyjammy

I'm not sure how helpful it is knowing what others do, I live distant to my parents but ring three or four times a week. Maybe try and think of it from her/their point of view, if you aren't working and/or able ot get out and about 7 days is a long time.

If the status quo works for you and you don't want to changes things then thats what you do. Maybe ask yourself the question when she's gone would you feel bad about it and wish you'd spent more time with her?

flaneurs_lobster

In some communities, it wouldn't be unusual for the entire family you describe to be sharing the same accommodation so the question would be moot.

What''s normal/usual for one family would be abnormal for another.

Are you an only-child, or rather do you have siblings who may want to see your parents on days that you don't.

HillStreetBlues

Just enough so I'm not disinherited 😁

sheramber

Is she lonely?
Does she need help with anything?

A quick phone call wouldn’t take up much time.

A friend phones her mother each night but they live several hours apart.

I am 80, live on my own and have a take away every Saturday night with my son and DIL.

My son pops in on a Monday night if he needs to borrow my car and will come over if I need help with anything.

There are extras for special occasions such as birthdays , Mother’s Day.

Otherwise it is Saturday evening.

Does the rest of the family visit?

Can they visit you for a family meal?

elsien

it was three or four times a week because of calling in to drop off and pick up the dog when 87-year-old parent was dog sitting.

Sadly dog is no longer with us and parent says she misses our chats in between times because I don’t go quite so often.

It’s less about the company and more about practical support for example explaining to her what fibre broadband is and why her landline is going. Or changing a lightbulb or whatever it is.

Some people do speak to their children every day (we don’t, because there’s only so many times I can hear the details of her laundry! ) and that is their normal so it’s not an unreasonable expectation if that’s the type of household she grew up in. If it doesn’t work for you, then explain the boundaries.

But a once a week visit in the odd phone call, I wouldn’t say is taking up a lot of your time, unless the calls are extended ones? If I’m talking to my mother on the phone, I tend to do it on speakerphone while I’m doing other things anyway - cooking tea or whatever. Can’t beat a bit of multitasking.

strawb_shortcake

Has the frequency changed at all to lead your Mum to question how often you should call/visit?

I agree with the others that other people's relationships with parents have no bearing on yours.

I used to phone my Mum every day and visit at the weekend. Now I tend to visit 3 days a week so we call less as we don't have enough to talk about. But they keep busy and still go out most days.

But a week passes quickly for you as your life is busy and full, it will pass much slower for them. Sounds like she's lonely and needs something to help fill her week. Perhaps you could signpost some relevant clubs or organisation that may be of interest? Locally we have an organisation that do home visits to older people to just have a chat once a week, makes quite a difference to them.

RAS

A couple of things to consider?

How did your parents manage things when they were in your situation? Does she expect the same provision in different circumstances?

What other activities does your mother, and for that matter your father, engage in? How many activities are accessible locally, thinking about local transport? What sort of social network did they have a decade ago?

What's the situation like between your parents? To what extent do they provide stimulating company for each other and relate to other people inside and outside the family?

Bring uncertain about the duration of time since a previous event can indicate declining mental capacity? At this stage maybe just have conversations about previous and future events?

Baldytyke88

A female might consider more communication normal, where as a male would just get on with it. Do what you want, to your priorities.

vacheron

I'm 53, male, and my parents are in their late 70's but both are still physically active and sharp as a tack. When I worked full time I made a point of trying to visit them once a week for at least 4 hours, though it often ends up far longer, which is great. However my mum and I regularly chat and share pics etc over whatsapp / facebook etc. pretty much daily, so we certainly keep in touch.

I want to spend more time with them if I can, being recently retired (but currently consulting for 2 days per week) I am able to. They also live less than a couple of miles from me, making things far easier than for many.

Everyone is different though, one of my friends is caring for his parents on a daily basis, another does not see theirs for months at a time. Just do what is right for you. But think about what you may miss / regret if anything happened and you didn't have the choice any more because you can't get these years back.