Sperm donation scenario - advice please

RAS

A lot of donations now come from banks outside the UK, mainly Denmark and the US but it's important to check the provider. I appreciate that these will require delivery to a health provider.

sheramber

Is the relative close enough to raise the possibility of passing on genetic disorders?

silvercar

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82038429#Comment_82038429

OP has said the female carrying the pregnancy will be the one that isn't related. You want to ensure 100% that this holds.

mta999

One thing you should not underestimate is your emotional response when you see your child being bought up by someone else

You may think you can cope now being just a god parent but the chances are very high that you won't

BarleyGB

Thank you for all the advice and comments, to clarify this was a list of initial thoughts, following an initial discussion between the 3 of us. We all agreed there was no rush to reach a decision/agreement and we'd be talking more over the coming weeks.

Some responses below:

1. Im single, never been married and have no children, i've no other close relatives (to tell) except an elderly frail parent who's of an age that won't understand. Its still a consideration that I tell them.
2. Its probably nieve of them to think it can be kept a secret, as suggested friends and family with gossip and likely put '2 & 2 together', we'll need to discuss this further (it is my wish the child will be told and they agreed)
3. Aside from the child being the number 1 priority, I agree my own emotional health & response to a biological child being brought up by someone else. This needs a lot more thought, I will look at some counselling. I do think at my age the intended closeness would be ideal, fulfilling a degree of closeness I desire while affording me an independent lifestyle without the commitment of parenting (the understanding that in certain unforeseen circumstances I might need to look after/make provision for the child)
4. There is no real financial bearing on the this, as luckily im financially secure, also a biological heir would be better than the current intention which is to split my estate between a wide group of friends, their children and charities)
5. They picked me as there is a family bloodline which is important to them, also their experience of clinics upsetting, i.e. the one not going to bear the child felt like a spare part
6. Risk of genetic conditions, limitations of screening, impact of age. I will make further enquiries with medical specialists/private screening.
7. Im recognising that a legal agreement will be important to set out and protect boundaries, agreed plan in the event of unforeseen circumstances etc. see quotes at the bottom of the page on a Solicitors specialising on Donor Conception. The part in bold suggest I would not have any parental rights irrespective of any legal agreement, what's the point of a legal agreement if its bot legally binding?
   

"Insemination at home with a known donor

If you choose to inseminate at home with a known donor, we strongly advise you get in touch for specialist legal advice on how legal parenthood will be applied to your particular circumstances, as this is a very complex area.

If you artificially inseminate at home using a known donor, the donor could be a legal parent, subject to the marital or civil partnership status of the birth parent, even if they’re not named on the birth certificate.

If you’re married or in a civil partnership at the time of conception, your spouse/civil partner can be named on the birth certificate and be recognised as the child’s legal parent, unless they explicitly state they don’t consent to the donor conception.

It’s worth bearing in mind that the law in this area is still evolving and any potential rights which the known donor may have may be considered by the Courts."

"Known donor agreements

Whilst we have seen many donor arrangements work well, any misunderstanding can cause difficulties in the future.

When choosing to conceive with a known donor, it is crucial that all parties are on the same page. Although not legally binding, the process of creating a known donor or preconception agreement can help you work through potential issues and ensure your expectations are aligned. For example:

• How much involvement the donor will have, if any
• Who the child will live with
• Financial responsibility
• Expectations around education

A donor agreement can be created regardless of whether you intend the donor to be involved in the child’s life. If you’re planning to co-parent the child, then you may wish to consider a setting out what your agreed intentions are for the child’s future."

silvercar

The part in bold suggest I would not have any parental rights irrespective of any legal agreement, what's the point of a legal agreement if its bot legally binding?

It may be more helpful to people who wanted to accept the sperm donation with the understanding that the donor would have no involvement. It also sets out the agreement as of today. In time the law is likely to evolve in this regard and these documents may have status.

Cubicsrube

The courts will place the child’s interests first, even if that conflicts with what’s in the agreement. Hence not binding.

The issue of donor-conceived children is evolving and can be fraught. I expect children’s rights to full information about their conception to be codified into law at some point in the coming years. It’s certainly increasingly acknowledged as best practice (a big change since 10, 20 years ago). Personally, I feel that the more loving and caring adults in a child’s life, the better. It’s good you have thought carefully about all this and you seem to be in a strong position to give this great gift. I can understand why the non-carrying parent (who is not providing the egg I presume?) would like her family genetics to be involved.

The value of the legal agreement may be less the document you end up with, and more the fact that the process of drafting it forces you all to think through these important questions together. I wish all three of you all the best: it can truly be a beautiful thing.

unforeseen

I expect children’s rights to full information about their conception to be codified into law at some point in the coming years.

That will bring it into line with with children conceived with sperm from a licenced clinic

silvercar

Given that DNA testing is inexpensive, and you can’t stop your relatives testing even if you choose not to test, the truth will come out at some point. So pointless to hide.

RAS

To some extent, but generally children can only be tested with the consent of the parent with care.

Having encountered some real life NPE situations and confirmed others where there were queries about parentage, just don't expect this to remain hidden.

It's a bit of a shocker when you test primarily for health reasons and discover that your proud heritage is incorrect, or find the family myths more complex than expected. All those involved at the time thought the issues could not be discovered.

It's much better to be clear rather than opaque. None of you know what the future holds and there's no betrayal like that of a child who discovers they've been lied to by their parents. All three would be implicated.