Sperm donation scenario - advice please

BarleyGB

I've been approached to donate my sperm to a same sex couple (one of which im related to), the female who wishes to carry the child is not my relative.

I would appreciate any advice or thoughts based on below

• I've known them many years, nice good people
• Due to previous bad experiences with a clinic they prefer an 'at home' method
• Ages (ill shortly be 54, female is 40), I would have my sperm checked for issues by a clinic before proceeding
• They would want me to be involved with the child's upbringing, effectively an uncle (inc family events, baby sitting, trips with me etc). Im happy with this as would not consent if I was not to be involved in some way
• We're agreed that the child should be told at a certain and appropriate point, although other friends and family wont be informed
• I can be a god parent but potentially not named on birth certificate (the latter id prefer)
• They prefer an informal arrangement (no legal agreement), I understand this could expose me to child maintenance but they've said they wouldn't want anything financially. This wouldn't be a risk/worry for me as id like to contribute anyway the worst case scenario (20% of my income > child maintenance) wouldn't be an issue for me
• Other than the financial element, are there any other issues re absence of a formal agreement, as if there was a breakdown the family court would act in my and the child's interests? I also understand if a clinic isn't used these agreements carry little weight?

There's a lot to think about, most importantly what's best for the child, also how will I feel about things in the future and cope emotionally (the latter is hard to anticipate but ill look at some professional advice (counselling)

Worried_fool

You are clearly aware of the main issues, particularly the potential financial commitment. You have not said anything about the feelings of the rest of your family.

Note that if there were a breakdown, the family court would be acting in the child's best interests (not yours), and you would be in the same position as a separated / unmarried parent.

Jemma01

Going into this without a legal agreement protects them and not you. I find it odd that you seem to believe they're nice ppl when clearly they don't want a legal position that would draw out all legal and financial boundaries. This open door policy to baby sitting and financial responsibilities shouldn't be taken lightly. What if they both have a car accident and pass away? Who do you think will be responsible for the child? What if they split and one can't care for the child? There are so many things in life that can happen, as long as you ARE legally the father, you should assume that the responsibility could fall fully on you.

You also should look into the "bad experiences" from the perspective of the clinic.

Do not do this without a full legal cover that makes them the legal parents. Your contribution should be voluntary, whenever you want, however you want it.

Grumpy_chap

They would want me to be involved with the child's upbringing, effectively an uncle (inc family events, baby sitting, trips with me etc). Im happy with this as would not consent if I was not to be involved in some way

We're agreed that the child should be told at a certain and appropriate point, although other friends and family wont be informed

I suspect that other friends and family members will guess you were involved in some way given how you'd be having what might otherwise be interpreted as unhealthy closeness.

At some point the child will be told. At that point and friends and family may simply become aware. The child cannot be bound by the desire of you and the couple to not share the information.

gwynlas

Whilst they might wish to keep thiings private it is important that the legalities are set out for the well being of all as anything can happen regarding illness, death or divorce.

If your family is close then there will be speculation regarding fatherhood so they might as well know up front.

This type of arrangement is probably much more common than we are aware of so there will be ethical guidelines available somewhere. The well being of the child in all this should be your number one priority.

Jemma01

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82035366#Comment_82035366

Along with this, have you thought about what you will tell your partner?

Nothing like transparency and honesty from the start. Your family will eventually know, it might as well be under your terms and not someone else spilling the tea to the child when they aren't ready for it. I still resent my parents for not being honest about things much more insignificant than this.

strawb_shortcake

My main concern from what you've written is that you are too close now and in the future.

They want you involved, you want to be involved, they don't want your money but you want to pay. What are the boundaries to make sure this child only has two not 3 parents?

What happens if you don't agree with their parenting choices? Can you really step back and accept their decisions and not let it impact your relationship?

What if they don't spend your contribution on what you think they should?

Do you really think you can help bring a child onto the world, be actively involved and not raise any suspicion to friends and family on the child's parentage?

Also, what made them pick you? In the UK via the NHS donations, the age limit is 45, this is linked to the quality of the sperm and minimise risks of genetical conditions and DNA fragmentation. If the female is 40 then I'd be wanting to take as few risks as possible.

Someone more cynical may question more financial implications further down the line such as inheritance.

RAS

Definitely all read up on the problems of older fathers.

Even if pregnancy is still possible, there's a higher chance of children being born with genetic conditions. These aren't necessarily obvious in screening, as some can result from new mutations which are increasingly likely as the birth parents age.

I wouldn't be surprised if there was also a higher risk of miscarriage for the same reason, although I'm not sure how much research has been done on the outcomes other than birth.

The couple should really be looking for a younger screened donor.

Brie

If you want to consider some of the difficulties as well as some very positive things you might listen to BBC Radio 4 programme The Gift. I found it fascinating.

BBC Sounds - The Gift - Available Episodes

Slinky

Do you have other children? Would you tell them? How would they feel about this 'sibling'?

Albermarle

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82035682#Comment_82035682

The couple should really be looking for a younger screened donor.

Easier said than done according to the NHS Sperm Donation website.

There is a huge shortage of sperm donation in the UK. As a result, there are now long waiting lists of people who need your help.