Money Moral Dilemma: Should I insist my friend pays me back, even though they’re struggling?

Hummybee

speak with them and explain you’re now in a similar situation as they were and that you now need the money. Agree on a payback schedule.

Rocketdogroya

The reason ex doesn't pay maybe that they are in prison or on benefits (£7 may as well be nothing).

Or maybe she is too scared? You hear horror stories!

If this person stopped earning so had to borrow to stay afloat due to the pandemic but they are still in the same situation why would you expect they can pay you back now? Unless they are showing signs they can as in debts are paid or investments released so some cash was freed up.

Ed264

There are numerous bits of 'advice' here saying 'never lend money'. That doesn't help you, does it? All I can contribute is that if your friend genuinely is unable to repay you, then I'm sorry to say that you'll inevitably end up having to write-off this loan, unless you took formal action which could be unpleasant. Put it down to experience. And yes, I'll be on my state pension in a few weeks, so I understand your situation.

Grumpyyeti

What isn't clear is whether the friend is (a) likely to be willing to pay but can't, (b) could pay but doesn't want to or (c) can't pay but wouldn't even if he/she could. How good a friend is this? If the friend is in the situation of would like to pay but simply can't then paying the debt down with helpful services would seem a dignified solution for both. If the friend simply doesn't want to pay then maybe write the debt off to experience and have a careful think about whether that's a friend you want or need. I can speak with some experience as I Ioaned a family member a substantial sum because he had an urgent need but as time went on I've had to accept I'm unlikely to ever see it again. I'm fortunate that although it was a lot of money I've had a good career and managed to put away a decent nest egg so it's not causing me any hardship (unless my circumstances change) but the lesson has been learnt - don't lend to anyone, especially family, unless you can afford to de facto gift it. There's a lot of wisdom in some of those old sayings 🙂

Ianp2000

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

ZeroSum

If theyve made zero attempt to pay anything over that time frame then they dont care & aren't a friend. My wife loaned a 'friend' a bit of money some years back against my advice. Never seen a penny & rarely speaks to her anymore. Excuse after excuse. Had she just paid 50p a week, itd been cleared a couple of years ago.

RickyAH

If they were cheeky enough to ask for money, then don't feel bad about asking for it back, as it is your money they are spending not theirs, any loan is a loan not a gift.

Just come out with it and say, I am struggling now I'm retired, so when are you going to pay me back. Set up a repayment plan even, at least you may get something back.

Remember (a friend in need is a pain in the !!!!!!).

aubergine

How much do you value the friendship / money? Either way, worth trying talking to them to get an agreement for a minimal weekly or monthly amount, even if it's a fiver, it keeps the loan in both your minds and reducing with a view to increasing when things are better.

highlander58

Has anything changed since you lent the money? 4.5 years is ample time to get back on their financial feet - if they actually want to.
If they haven’t done anything in all that time, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get the money back, sorry.

All the ideas about paying you back in kind etc are great but, based on what little we know: they’ll find excuses to avoid them too. As a friend, no doubt over the years you’ve already tried encouraging them to improve their position. If it’s not happened yet - it’ll likely never happen.
People get over bankruptcy in less time than they’ve had to repay you.

Unless there’s some other chronic issue (like depression or disability) that’s genuinely preventing them from sorting themselves out - the money is lost.
All you have to decide now is whether (for you) the friendship is lost too.

primrose_penguin

I think it is a big mistake to lend money to friends as you not only risk not getting it back but also the loss of the friendship.

You say she is a single parent with no financial help from her ex. Why isn't she claiming child maintenance, which would be taken out of her x partners wages, and why hasn't she worked for all these years since the pandemic?

I would tell her you need the money repaid as you no longer have a wage coming in due to retiring, if she can't pay you back immediately then set up a proper payment plan where she pays you a certain amount of money every month. However it looks to me as if she has no intention of repaying you as I would have thought she could have given you contributions whenever she was able over the passing years. You helped her in good faith at a time she needed it, it is a shame she does not feel the same. Unfortunately unless you lent the money with an official agreement for it to be returned, I think you will struggle to recover it, and your one sided friendship will probably come to an end.