Money Moral Dilemma: Should I insist my friend pays me back, even though they’re struggling?

MSE_Kelvin

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks…

I lent a friend over £4,000 across four and a half year after they fell on hard times during the pandemic. They’re a single parent with no help from their ex and say they’ve no money as they’re not working. I'm sympathetic, but I've now retired and could really do with getting it back. Do I ask them to start paying, or sit tight and hope their situation improves?

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer questions about Money Moral Dilemmas as contributions are sent in or suggested in person. They're intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

🤝 If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.
🤔 Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.
👀 View past Money Moral Dilemmas.

HedgehogRulez

sounds like a right sponger - send a LBA

Emmia

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you should never loan money to people with the expectation of being repaid.

Issuing a LBA will almost certainly end the friendship.

sheramber

Does their spending indicate they have money to repay you?

If they are struggling to pay bills then it is unlikely they have extra to repay you.

Never a lender or borrower be.

gocurlygirl

Could they pay a minimal amount monthly?

Have a similar problem with family member

Now expect not to see it again=family dynamics etc.

However would still "help" but go in with eyes wide open as I feel I have been taken for granted.

Mike_from_Croydon

Have they taken all possible steps to get maintenance from the child's/children's other parent - who has a legal obligation, surely? (See https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service for more information). Isn't there any kind of work they can do? I know it may be hard to raise these questions with them.

Bookhaven

Did you draw up any kind of agreement to get them to sign to say that the money they received was a loan? If not, you might find it is difficult to prove that it wasn't a gift, especially as you lent them the amount over a lengthy period of time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but when there was no sign of earlier amounts you lent being repaid, lending more was perhaps not the wisest thing to do. Also, if they weren't working when you lent them the money, and they aren't now, then their circumstances haven't changed at all, and if they couldn't pay you back then, then why should you expect them to be able to pay you back now?

They may feel awful about their inability to pay you back, and it sounds as if you would only be able to get dribs and drabs of what they owe back, if that.

The suggestion that you should encourage them to try to get maintenance from their ex is probably your best chance of ever seeing any of your money again, difficult as that conversation is likely to be.

SStitanic

How can they at you back if they’ve got nothing. Maybe you could sit down with them and help them by looking at ways to get more money, by getting a job, getting it from the ex, reducing bills, expenditure, etc. then you can get a little bit off what they make or save.

pdurrant

Brookhaven has said everything I was going to say, but better.

Agent57

If you gave them the money without stating any terms for when / how repayment will be made then it's not really a loan.

Even if the agreement was to 'pay me back when you can' you should still be having regular conversations about it.

PegasusPJ

Never lend money to friends (and almost never to family either), they always end up as 'gifts'. I learned that the hard way decades ago.

if you lent them 4.5 years ago, the kid is now of school age and so they could work.. they just don't want to, rather live on benefits, and care nothing that you may be struggling yourself.