Riding the wave

Keep_Buggering_On

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82024945#Comment_82024945

My wife has made a formal complaint through Booking.com as it is clearly in breach of their terms and conditions. It might not do us much good, but might stop them doing it to someone else in the future.

Keep_Buggering_On

A very enjoyable weekend, and I managed to get a few jobs ticked off as well! Saturday morning I decided to tidy the cupboard under the sink. It was a bombsite, but its nice and neat now and we seem to have a lot more cleaning products that any of us realised! Not sure how we have ended up with four bottles of carpet cleaner but won’t need to buy any for the next decade! I also tackled the fridge, which is a job that always seems to fall to me- OH says ‘the fridge needs cleaning’ which is code for ‘husband, clean the fridge!’

I went to the talk in Bradford Cathedral about the making of an N gauge model of the cathedral over Saturday lunchtime. It was fascinating and very inspirational, even if it made me realise how far I have to go with my own efforts to match that standard. There was a chance to see the model, hear the modellers thought process behind it and saw some of his drawings and other part built models, plus there was tea and a chocolate bar afterwards. In an added bonus, the driver didn’t charge me for the bus home, so I ended up spending £2.50 for the day!

On Sunday I took advantage of the weather being better than forecast and got some firewood chopped. I have made good progress and I think I now have about 1/3 of what I need for next winter chopped and in the log store. With the other wood I haven’t chopped yet, I think I will get to about half of what I need. Normally this wouldn’t worry me as we are getting to DIY season so people would usually have skips with old wood, or would offer me their rubbish for firewood. This year however, with the economic downturn, people seem to be putting off doing home improvements so I have not seen as much old wood available- the builder round the corner normally gives me loads, but he hasn’t had his usual skip outside for months. I am not panicking yet, and I will continue to keep hunting for wood wherever I can, but if its still like this in September I will have to look into actually buying fire wood, which I would like to avoid if I can. I have enough coal for next winter as I got some really cheap last year, but we do burn more wood so I need to restock. My wood store is about 70 cubic feet and that should last me the winter if full. As a friend of mine said, we can see the economy starting to bite in the village as the bookies has closed, and if that shuts in a Northern working class village you know people haven’t got any money!

beanielou

Sounds like a good weekend.

Keep_Buggering_On

I am feeling very dumb today! I went to check my diary and realised I have a dental check up next week. I had completely forgotten about it and so hadn't budgeted it in for this month at all. I have rejigged next month's budget and managed to find the funds for it out of that- I will borrow it out of the holiday fund for now and pay it back from my wage at the end of the month so its not a disaster, but it is annoying. Its £27.50 (plus bus fare) I could really do without spending and every time I go they find something else wrong so there is a good chance there will be a follow up appointment to do some more work and it will push it up into a higher band. I am determined not to put it on the credit card, so at least I have a plan, but I do seem to play whack-a-mole constantly. I think I have everything sorted and then another bill pops up that throws the budget out yet again. I keep telling myself that I am on the right track now, prioritising getting the debt down and things will get easier one day, but the universe does seem to have a morbid sense of humour sometimes!

ArtyJ931

I’m now highly suspicious about dental work being recommended by dentists unfortunately. I had 4x molar fillings as a teenager (!!) by a dentist that was subsequently struck off for doing unnecessary work

30 years later I don’t feel that very much has changed and it’s difficult to trust dentists now

Keep_Buggering_On

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82028320#Comment_82028320

If I was private, I would agree with you, but I'm NHS and the dentists keep complaining that they lose money on our treatment- if that's true you would think they would want to keep our treatments as simple as possible to free up more time for the private patients who make them a profit? I don't know, but I always go in with a heavy heart and just hope for the best. I know my teeth are pretty awful, but it is depressing when you do everything they advise- brush twice a day with an electric toothbrush, floss and use the inter dental brushes- and still get told every time that there is a new problem. My wife hasn't been near the dentist in 25 years apart from one emergency call where she needed a wisdom tooth filed down where it had gotten sharp, and has no other problems with her teeth at all!

ArtyJ931

I am an NHS patient but have been told by my dentist that I need XYZ and it’s not covered by the nhs. (I think you may have commented on that actually) and I trusted her and believed her then found out it wasn’t true and if it’s necessary it should be covered for 1/4 of the price they gave me… I’ve lost trust again

Keep_Buggering_On

I apologise, this might be a long, rather rambling post and is not really to do with money-saving, but I need an outlet and you poor people are it! I was lying in bed last night and had a ‘moment’- I was breathing very fast and shallow, feeling completely overwhelmed and trying to fight the panic inside. I am very much feeling like I am carrying a ten ton weight with no end in sight at the moment and it was such a tiny thing that triggered it all off.

OH suffers from both physical and mental health problems- she has fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and osteo-arthritis plus suffers from anxiety and low moods and is autistic. The long spell of cold damp weather makes her physical illnesses flare up, leaving her in chronic pain, which in turn feeds into her low moods. Its not quite depression, but its on the way to it. She has also recently come off the pill after nearly thirty years and may or may not be perimenopausal. She is really struggling at the moment and whilst I am trying to be supportive both practically (which I am capable of) and emotionally (which I admit I struggle with having the emotional range of a potato), its not really making much difference and she is responding by shutting down, not really talking and swinging from indifference to anger to despair. The current worry about my job isn’t helping and she keeps saying how fed up she is about us never having any money. Every night she goes to bed an hour or so before I do, I kiss her and tell her I love her and she of course replies that she loves me. Over the last week, every time I say goodnight and that I love her, she has just replied with a grunt and last night that really got to me.

I feel guilty for getting upset about it, as in comparison I really have nothing to complain about, but when you are living with someone who is suffering and who is only there physically, it is very, very lonely. With my mother’s terminal illness, Dad working himself into the ground looking after her, worrying about my job and money and then this, it is very isolating and I feel like I have this enormous weight on my shoulders and I have to keep it together for everyone. I can only allow myself to feel it all in the dead of night when everyone else is asleep as they are all relying on me to hold them up.

In an ideal world, I would talk to OH and explain how I feel, but experience tells me that if I do the conversation will turn around to everything in her life and how I have it easy in comparison, which is true, but I would like a little validation or recognition for my own feelings. I have been here before- OH had a full breakdown when her mother died in covid- and we did come out the other side, so I hope in time and with patience and support she will come back to me. She has never been one who has found it easy to express positive emotions, she doesn’t do hugs and naturally expects the worst of life and people, but when she is in a low mood these behaviours, feelings and thoughts are amplified and then it really impacts the rest of us.

I very much come from the background of ‘keep your mouth shut, don’t bother people with how you feel and get on with life’ and to be honest that is often the best solution for me, but sometimes (like last night) it gets a bit much and I have a wobble- hence my long essay on here as I needed to put it down in words even if there is no solution.

AntoMac

Oh mate that sounds really tough for you. From your diary you’ve come across as really positive and resourceful in spite of your challenges.

I can’t claim to be an expert but getting your thoughts written down like you have done is a very good start. Hard to resolve anything without having conversations but it sounds like your wife won’t respond well to that route ☹️

For yourself could you contact your GP? Things like Talking Therapies are available for free I think. A mental health assessment for yourself might be a good think. There are also groups like Talk Club where you can express how things are in a safe and confidential space.

You still have the right to let your wife know how feel, however unpalatable her response might be.

Recognising that things are very difficult for you is a good start. As a man myself I totally get the ‘shut up, get on with it and don’t talk about it’ scenario, but I think that’s more due to conditioning than the right thing to do.

joedenise

I agree with @AntoMac that you should contact your GP about taking therapies. Your OH sounds to me as though she may well be suffering from depression even though you say you don't think she is. Has she seen her GP about her low moods etc? They may well be able to help her too.