Riding the wave

Keep_Buggering_On

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/82032319#Comment_82032319

I might see what's available through work- we have mental health support for the students and its open to staff as well. When OH had her breakdown she had been on the waiting list for CBT for nearly two years, she jumped straight to the front after the police contacted the crisis line for her and got help within a week. We are certainly no where near where we were in 2020, thanks to some excellent counselling she received and anti-depressants and the triggers are different this time- chronic pain rather than grief and lockdown, but I don't want it to get to that point again either. I walked out with the kids and went to my SiLs after she threatened to kill me and the kids with a knife before killing herself, got very violent and had a couple of suicide attempts. Luckily this is all behind us and I got back the wife I loved thanks to that support. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but I do feel its my job to protect both my wife and my kids, support them and look after them through thick and thin. This is why I feel guilty when it gets to me, as in comparison I have nothing to complain about, but I do sometimes feel there is a lot of emphasis these days on people with mental health conditions (as there should be) but not much focus on the families of those people who have to cope with the fall out.

We did have a little chat this morning and she admitted she was struggling with the pain and fatigue at the moment and it was all feeling a bit much. I tried to reassure her I was there to help and listen, but I am very aware there is a limitation to what I can do. Last time she felt down she recognised the signs and got help before it spiralled so I might gently ask if she feels that might help again. I did the school run to give her a break from the rain and I will do it again this afternoon, it feels so very little but if she keeps warm and dry then she says the pain isn't quite as bad so I suppose that is something at least.

beanielou

I absolutely hear you. That sounds tough for you. I think you need to do something for yourself. Something cheap and cheerful. On a regular basis. Keep plodding x

Blackcats

well done for finding alternative accommodation. We had booked a hotel room which mysteriously became unavailable … Grand Prix weekend and close to Silverstone … the clues quickly became evident.

Keep_Buggering_On

Thanks for letting me vent this morning and for the helpful comments afterwards. OH has had a relaxed self-care day and the weather has improved so she is definitely a bit more cheerful and positive, which makes things easier for the rest of us. It’s a marathon, not a sprint but I will now get back to more typical money saving posts…

Despite the existential navel gazing earlier, today has actually been quite successful on the money saving front- I popped into the supermarkets in the village this morning and picked up two reduced packs of pork steaks down to 87p for four steaks so those have gone in the freezer and I got six bottles of real ale down to 51p a bottle so that will keep me going for the next month. I am not a big drinker, but I do like a pint of real ale with my Sunday dinner once a week. Finally, on the way home with DD from school I came across a big piece of scrap timber dumped on the roadside which has come home with me for the log pile and will keep us warm for an evening this winter.

I am planning a quiet weekend in this weekend and if the weather holds I will crack on with a few jobs in the garden. I could also do with going and getting my hair cut as it is very long at the moment and I am in danger of looking like an escapee from a 90s boy band!

ArtyJ931

if your wife is perimenopausal and with no kind of hormonal support for that it could add lots to her health symptoms. My main symptom was joint pain and it was debilitating. It disappeared within 1 month of taking HRT. I’m also autistic so brain fog and never remembering anything was a regular part of life and I didn’t notice the difference!

in terms of support for your wife for this I would recommend seeing a private menopause specialist nurse for an initial consult and to prescribe appropriate medication if that’s something your wife would like to investigate. They will then direct the GP with what to prescribe and you can go nhs from there. IME nhs menopause care is absolutely dire and if in any sort of precarious mental state should be avoided at all costs. A private consultation would be money very well spent.

thoughts to you both. It’s so hard.

DancingInTheRain

My heart went out to you reading your post from this morning.

My DH has an ongoing battle with mental health and had a particularly bad time last year which really had an impact on the whole family for a long time. Obviously none more so than himself but it's also really hard as a partner of someone feeling so low to keep providing support while juggling everything else as they navigate their way through the extremely dark cloud that overshadows their every thought and action. It's valid to find it difficult and overwhelming as their partner too.

It sounds like it's done you some good to vent on here and it's good things seem a little better this evening. But please remember it's okay for you to have times of not being okay too, its not a competition on who is more ill or ground down, some days life just bites you on the bottom too.

It may be worth your wife speaking to a GP about possible peri-menopause, or even just a general health review, certainly wouldn't do any harm.

It's equally important that you have time to do something that's good for your own wellbeing too, you sound like a supportive partner but you're your own person too. Even something small like 10 minutes of listening to a podcast or reading a chapter of a book is a start and helps to switch off and reset.

Sending good wishes to you both x

Keep_Buggering_On

Thankyou everyone for your ongoing comments, they have been very helpful and I have plenty to think about here.

I have fallen off the money saving wagon quite spectacularly today, I am feeling a little guilty but probably not as much as I should! There was a limited edition model railway loco that came out a few years back that I really wanted but could not justify at the price. Today I found it had been discounted by £100 as a Father's Day special discount and was £130 instead of £230 so I gave into temptation and put it on the credit card…I have four months interest free on it and it breaks down to an extra £35 a month to pay it off so its not the worst thing in the world, but really not in the money saving ethos… I need to refocus now and get back on track with the money saving business, but I am looking forward to my new toy arriving! I do wonder if the stress of the last few days has led to me giving into temptation a bit quicker than I might have done, but self control has never been a strong point (hence why I'm where I am!). I also spent £10 getting my hair cut this morning, but it desperately needed doing and I feel more like me if that makes sense.

Catscoffeecake

I am like you, very much an emotional spender. I find it hard to say no when I am feeling emotionally drained, we all have different coping mechanisms when it comes to this. Do you have anything you could sell to make the money back?

did your wife ever claim for PIP? I know you mention UC but never seen mention of PIP and it sounds like with all her conditions she would most likely be eligible. If she doesn't feel up to doing it herself there are several charities out there who would support with the process.

AntoMac

I don’t think your purchase was too extravagant. You seem generally frugal and this sounds like a much loved good value rare treat.

beanielou

Don’t beat yourself up. Just enjoy.