Am I being unreasonable? I think partner should do more household chores. Help!

rach_k

It's tricky to answer without it sounding like a calculation of who is putting in what work and how much you're each getting out.

I think in the ideal situation for most people, each partner will put in 50% of the effort needed to keep you both alive and happy (earning, housework, caring for dependents etc), however you choose to split the different tasks. If one person won't or can't put in close to 50% on the essentials to survive, it will really depend on the other person to decide how much they will accept that gap being filled by non-tangibles. You can't really calculate how much love is equal to a day of paid work!

It sounds like your partner has told you where he draws the line - him doing 100% of the earning and you doing 80% of the home stuff. I don't think you can make him change how he feels.

How much house stuff are you doing each week? I wonder if you could streamline things to make it quicker or easier for you to manage? And apply for PIP - if there's a possibility that you can contribute financially, that will give you something to discuss, or options for outsourcing.

saajan_12

My partner works from home part time (3 full days a week) and has all the financial responsibility for his house (although he is mortgage free but is leasehold) He also manages all the bills and financially support me, our 2 cats and 1 dog ( our "kids" )

To clarify does this mean the other 2 days are in office, or he only works 3 days in total?

Re the split of chores, it sounds like the below (you don't mention who does the dishes?) On top of working on his side, seems more than even, if anything he's doing more.

HIM: Cooking Shopping Bins	YOU: Cleaning Laundry Gardening/DIY Petcare

The issue sounds more about the feeling of responisbility / mental load. Meanwhile he might be struggling with frequently having to pick up extra things if you're not feeling well enough. So instead of the general split of chores, maybe you look into

• Job outside the house to pay for a cleaner / gardener / whatever job you hate for your house. Sometimes its easier to do a defined period of work for someone else than the stress of seeing 100 things to do on your way to the 1 hated job.
• Share out the mental load with partner, by including him in the to do list. Even if you end up doing the same amount, but can reduce the stress of it.

sheramber

. He refuses to take on more responsibility but moans we don't spend quality time together . I don't have the energy

What does he want to in this quality time?

If he wants to go out somewhere / do something together and you have chores to do, then suggest if he did X that would allow you to finish sooner and we can then go out/ do whatever.

Can you plan ahead? Suggest a time/day to do something together and then suggest that if he helped you with X that would help make it possible.

Are there things you could leave for another day to give you time together?

Is there a conflict that you have different ideas as to what needs done every day.

Working round the situation is better than fighting it.

Kesstra

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81909971#Comment_81909971

Thanks for your reply.

I'm aware of how it comes across and apologise for that. I'm not always able to articulate succinctly :)

I am the sort of person who likes to be as fair as possible and as far as I'm concerned regardless of gender, whoever doesn't work should be the one doing the home responsibility the most.

However when I was working full time and he wasn't working at all, I was renting and he refused to do anything as it " wasn't his house "

He did eventually start cooking dinner though and paying for our lunches when he started 1 day a week of work.

I suppose I just feel that because of my health, I shouldn't have to be doing 80 per cent of the home responsibility because I can't! Otherwise I'd be working and frankly yes, would pay for a cleaner.

I'm very grateful to have a roof over my head and be financially supported.

And I'm very lucky. I understand that. But that doesn't mean that my health conditions should be ignored and I'm expected to give 100 per cent to the house. I just can't. I'd love to but I can't.

Hence the question because I don't really know how to move forward.

Kesstra

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81910107#Comment_81910107

Yes although I do the shopping online, take it in and put away. He does ad hoc shop runs.

I think, having mulled things over a bit, it's the constant moaning from him, the constant arguing from him about going out or doing anything I ask.

I don't moan about everything I do and just get on with it really.

I find the things like the DIY the hardest as I'm not very good, not very strong and it comes at a cost of not doing something else like doing the laundry for 2 days.

Kesstra

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81910279#Comment_81910279

Ok thanks for your reply. I do appreciate the input.

When I did have my own place, it was rented and I didn't have to worry about the boiler, or if the smoke alarms weren't working, although I would always take care of the place. I'd paint, re seal the bath that type of thing.

Frankly in many ways it was easier to look after myself, my fur kids and the flat ! But the rent was sky high, I didn't have a garden and my health at that time was rock bottom.

So at the time and after the death of his ex, we both discussed the pros and cons of me moving in with him and to his area.

I know I've come across as maybe bratty and ungrateful. Not my intention and am definitely greatful for having a rent free roof over my head as well as financial support

I commented on another reply that I think, it's his constant moaning and having a go at me that's really getting me down.

He wants things done on his time scale but then won't pay for help. And he moans and argues any time I ask anything of him.

It is about the metal load as well.

sheramber

He wants things done on his time scale 

Tell him to do it himself.

The rule in my house is if tiu don’t like I do it, do it yourself. Works for us.

middlewife

He sounds very like my partner. I went for counselling recently as I'd been very down with health issues. She showed me a book about living with partners who are on the spectrum. He matched 20 of the 22 character traits. I've learned that he will never be able to anticipate my needs, can't really see the world from anyone else's point of view, can't compromise ( sounds better than won't). He simply doesn't see things that need doing. He will disappear into the garage for hours to do woodwork. Loses all track of time, I've just had surgery, so he has reluctantly agreed to do the cleaning, but it has to be done on a fixed day and exactly what I've written on a spreadsheet for him. He is going to volunteer at the hospital on Monday because it's Monday and that's what he does on a Monday, despite the fact I had hip replacement 3 days ago.

I think we are possibly heading for divorce once my youngest son moves out in June. I would rather be on my own than live with the constant battles for help and being ignored. I am likely to have further surgery and he has little patience with people who can't walk, I don't think any of my kids would be surprised, they know how difficult he can be. Good luck however you decide to go, he probably can't change....

Savvy_Sue

DS1 used to wear me down as a child, moaning about this, that and the other. Eventually I would 'crack', and from listening sympathetically / letting it wash over me / ignoring it, I would tell him very clearly to cut it out / cease and desist, and explain why.

One classic was "you're a horrible mother and I'm going to leave home and live with someone else who will treat me better" (which meant "let me have my own way in everything").

I told him clearly and calmly that no-one else would have him. That he wouldn't want to live with either of his best friends, for reasons which were obvious to him once I pointed them out, but that anyway, his best friends' mums wouldn't have him, because he wasn't very nice, and they wouldn't love him like I did, because NO-ONE would love him like I did, and I was the best mummy in the world for him, because NO-ONE ELSE would EVER love him like I did, so he might as well just put up and shut up.

And he did.

Now, he's turned out to be quite a reasonable adult, and I don't have to live with him any more, BUT I wonder if a similar approach would work. A statement that you know he feels X (frustrated that you won't go out more), so you do not need to hear his complaints, but if he does not help with Y then you will be UNABLE (not unwilling) to go out.

And are you able to remove yourself from the moaning? Or respond "I know, you're terribly hard done by, now give it a rest."

elsien

You are not coming across as bratty or entitled at all. The replies highlighting everything he does aren’t taking your health into account, in my opinion.

You both signed up to a partnership and that includes taking each other’s needs into account and supporting when things change. If he wants quality time and you really don’t have the energy then something has to give somewhere - I would suggest that is a question to put back on him and ask him exactly what he wants you to do about it on the days when you can’t magic up energy from nowhere.