Am I being unreasonable? I think partner should do more household chores. Help!

Kesstra

Long term lurker :) I am looking for some help please. Thanks.

TLDR :

Am I being unreasonable in expecting my partner to do more in the house. He works from home part time. I'm not working due ill health, but do at least 80 per cent of the housework. He refuses to take on more responsibility but moans we don't spend quality time together . I don't have the energy!

Long read :

My situation below to help. Sorry it's a bit long !

My partner works from home part time (3 full days a week) and has all the financial responsibility for his house (although he is mortgage free but is leasehold) He also manages all the bills and financially support me, our 2 cats and 1 dog ( our "kids" )

I've not been able to work for a few years due to a lot of complicated and ongoing health problems. They are being investigated and treated but slowly.

I moved in with my partner 2 years ago. We are both neurodiverse and also struggle with physical coordination.

I know I need to apply for PIP but that's not a guaranteed income and I'm not able to apply for universal credit as my partner has too much in savings after coming into some inheritance. I'm looking at getting back into some work but as it stands I have no income and can't pay for help to come in.

I have almost the total responsibility of maintaining the house. Cleaning, tidying, organising, laundry, changing beds, all the DIY, gardening, food and toiletries online ordering, putting away etc you get the idea.

I have 90 per cent responsibility and all the care for the fur kids (as they were my choice before we were together or they were adopted while together but not living together) so that's fair enough.

I have good and bad days and even on the bad, I try to do something simple like wipe down the kitchen etc. On my partner's working days I pre prepare his breakfast and the 2 cats as well. And always make sure he has clean underwear and clothes for those days.

My partner feels he does enough around the house and says he won't do any more as the rest is my duty.

He takes rubbish, recycling and food waste out to wheely bins (after I take them out of the kitchen bins and tie the bags, he says he always ends up making a mess)

He puts away all the clean dishes, generally makes lunches and dinners for us both ( he does food assembly mostly and that's ok! He will even manage a decent roast using some pre prepared roasties. But anything more complicated like cooking a spag bol from scratch he asks me to cook it).

Sometimes he does the cats breakfast or dinner if I ask or if they end up pestering him enough. Puts away our clean laundry once I bring it into the bedroom.

He is the " go out to the shops " person as a lot of the time I can't, so I'll try to swap something with him, like get dinner started while he does the shop run especially if it's on a work day.

He doesn't socialise much so is rarely out, but does like his sport and there are evenings over the weekend he isn't available and that's fair enough

I do understand what it's like to be a carer as I was one for my ex for many years. I am generally quite independent but on my really bad days I sleep alot and ask my partner do things like, make some dinner for the doggo, get me a drink or check the cats and then close the cat flap for the night. Or maybe go out to the shop to get some more drinks or particular food item. I try not to ask him for things and do as much as I can when I'm well.

I just feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of getting everything done, depressed because of the state the house gets into when I'm not well and exhausted that any request from me, turns into a long moaning session from partner. Yes I think he does need to get out more and be more independent and I understand he misses how things were but maybe I'd have more energy for the good times if he was able to do more in the house? Just not sure how to move things forward anymore.

Sorry for the long read! Thanks if you've got this far !

tooldle

Did your partner live in this house alone, prior to you moving in?

sheramber

If he works 3 days a week what does he do on the other 4?

Kesstra

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81908930#Comment_81908930

No. Him and ex wife bought the house together. When I met my partner, they had split up but decided to keep the house. They got divorced but still lived together. They had their own rooms and were independent of each other. However when it came to the housework and maintenance, she did it or arranged for someone to come in. He would pay half. She said that she preffered to just get stuff done her way otherwise it involved long phaffs about by him. She sadly died a few years ago but she and I were on good terms and often hung out. It's been a huge blow to him as they were together 17 years and he doesn't have any family around.

Kesstra

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81908966#Comment_81908966

Ha good question! Looks after me apparently and other than his chores and shop runs, watches his sports or meets up with a friend. He also comes with me 3 times a week or so for the doggo's last walk and toilet .

dreaming

It is possibly the neuro-divergency that is at the root of the problems. My son was diagnosed in his 30's as being on the spectrum and a lot of things suddenly made sense. He had been in a relationship for several years and his partner often complained that he was lazy, uncaring, messy, etc., etc. When they broke up (before his diagnosis) he lived with me for a few months and there were difficulties about things like tidiness, his personal hygiene and it felt as if I had a teenager on my hands again. After his diagnosis he was able to explain to me (over time) that he just didn't see if the house was messy, he couldn't organise his day to get up and shower, he didn't even feel hunger and would go for long periods without food (but then eat everything in the fridge!). Even if I suggested/hinted he should do certain tasks (e.g. by saying "isn't it time you had a shower?") it didn't really sink in, but if I directly said "I need you to shower" he would do it quite gladly. If I asked him to make me a cup of tea he would do so without grumbling but he would not think to offer to make one for me. With what we both learned about autism (with the help of the psychologist who diagnosed him and trained counsellors) was that this sort of lack of external awareness (for want of a better term) is quite common. So it may be that your partner just doesn't see what you see, of what needs to be done without direction. As for what is reasonable - well that is a loaded question. My ex-husband and I (both neurotypical) had very different ideas about what was reasonable, and I'm sure there are many couples in the position where one does (or feels the do) more than the other.

tooldle

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81909071#Comment_81909071

Thanks for the response. It may well be then, he is a person who has never perhaps learned or contributed to household tasks, either as a teenager or as an adult. If the ex did it all or employed assistance, he has perhaps learnt resistance pays dividends I.e. someone else will deal with the work. I don’t have the answers I’m afraid and, asked these questions as I was wondering if a different approach might work. Is it worth considering dividing the jobs into daily, weekly and monthly lists, and then have a discussion on who prefers which tasks. If it were me I’d approach this from a perspective of ‘ I can no longer do this and things are changing’ rather than from an asking for ‘help’ perspective. I’d leave his laundry for him to do.

MattMattMattUK

So for clarity:

You are not married

You live in a house he owns, rent free

He works

He pays all the bills, provides financially for everything including;

Your pets, which are not his responsibility to look after

You do not work, you do not contribute financially.

The split of domestic tasks needs to be discussed, but him working part time, covering all financial costs, providing you with a home, food and providing for your pets needs to be taken into account on some level. Your comment comes across to me as more of a lodger who wants more from their landlord, whilst not actually paying rent.

LightFlare

If you add up the hours that he works, how does that compare to the hours that you spend doing household chores etc per week ?

That would be a good starting point for discussions

prowla

So, in summary: he works, provides the house, pays for everything, does the bins, empties the dishwasher, cooks, and does the shopping.

BungalowBel

I think what he does seems reasonable. He works three days a week, provides all the finances, cooks sometimes, does some other chores.

However, if YOU don't think it's reasonable, you need to talk together and come to an agreement about what you both consider would be a reasonable compromise.

If he thinks that he does enough already and won't discuss it further, then you will either have to put up with it, hire someone to do it like his ex-wife did, or leave and live in your own house (where you would have 100% responsibility for everything, including income).