How do I get my daughter to start coming over more like the old days...

Wishywashy74

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81900630#Comment_81900630

Thanks, agreed, my daughter wanted to know what messages I had received from her mum but I declined that and said its not her concern.

With regards to the counselling, thats not a bad idea for me to try and work something so I just don't blow when she says the stuff she has being saying. My partner was furious last night as she knows how much I do for my daughter, so then had to calm her down as well,

In all this, I just want my daughter away from that environment for a day or even hours but she wont have it at the moment.

Myci85

Children can be very protective of their parents. Perhaps she doesn't want to leave her mum at the moment as she knows she's going through a tough time, and feels she needs to be there to make sure she's OK. Not a child's job to look after their parents at that age, but very common for them to have the concern that if they're not there, their parent might not be OK. Possibly even more so if it sounds like your daughter is not keen on her mum's husband right now. It's always hard to know what goes on behind closed doors, so even as her dad it's difficult to know what her lived experience is currently in the home.

As a mum to two teens, I would say the vital thing at this point is just maintaining the connection and relationship as best you can, so that if they need you, they feel they can turn to you. Like others have suggested, if she won't come to your house, maybe invite her to do something just for the evening or a few hours, bowling, going for a macdonalds etc. Or offer her to have a few friends round your place, as friends are often a huge pull at that age. Even join her in her interests - computer games are not my thing, but my boys always love it if I agree to have a game with them, probably not least because I'm awful at it so they find it hilarious. If she's into it, you could try interacting via games you can link up on your phone, like online scrabble, yahtzee etc.

Angelica123

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81900552#Comment_81900552

A different perspective perhaps - but it sounds like maybe there is a bit of a disconnect in terms of your perception of your role in her life. From your point of view, you have made a lot of sacrifices to provide for your family. But that won't be your daughter's PoV - at the end of the day, you weren't physically there all the time and her mum, whatever her faults, was. That means that she might not necessarily see you as a source of stability for her - you feel you are offering her a retreat from the chaos, but she might not necessarily see you as a safe space. This is not meant to be a criticism of you but perhaps to give a different perspective on what her thought process is. There's a huge difference between providing for someone's physical needs and someone's emotional needs, and evno matter how hard you try, the process of the divorce, losing the old home - will have left scars. And now she's potentially having to go through the same process again with her mum and her step dad (who may or may not have been ideal but who has now been in a constant in her life for a decade).

Unfortunately, you might not be the best person to give your daughter emotional support, and I think continuing to push that will just be met with resistance. Ideally, she would benefit from being supported by an unbiased party like a counsellor.

Rather than focus on the sacrifices you feel you have done, maybe acknowledge that you weren't always there. I think if you could acknowledge that (without trying to caveat about what the work provided for them), I think perhaps you can approach your daughter and ex from a better place of empathy, a better place of "I know I wasn't always there in the past but I want to work hard to be there for you now". I think sometimes we can get so caught in being right even if it doesn't move the conflict forward. Your ex is in a stressful situation and is lashing out. But engaging in argument with her doesn't make you feel better or help your daughter.

2point4

I'm writing this as someone who is a child of divorce (split when i was 5), dad lived further away and we saw him every 3 weekends and then lived at home with mum and step-dad.

Now, my parents are not perfect by any means and i'm pretty sure they can't stand to be around each other for that long but one thing i will always be grateful for is that myself and my siblings were not exposed to their opinions of each other as we grew up. We were allowed to love each parent unconditionally without arguments getting in the way. My advice to you would be that even if you are wound up by your ex, don't expose your daughter to this or use her as a sounding board - it will mean a lot as she get's older and remember that a child tends to love both their parents so it's an unfair battle to bring to them.

My mum and step-dad used to have terrible rows when i was younger. Whilst they went on, i used to retreat to my room and despite trying, would inevitably end up hearing the row. My bedroom became a place of sanctuary and that habit began to stick even when arguments were not taking place. I naturally became more introvert at home. It didn't always remain this way but when arguments were bad, it was the only place where i felt a little bit shielded.

14/15 is an age where to start to get freedoms. It's that kind of age where i started to reduce the amount i saw my dad in favour of seeing friends and he was always understanding of that. Had i just been in my room with no other agenda, i'm not sure how he would have approached it but i know he would have checked on me to see if i needed anything/that i was okay.

The money and resource you put into your daughter's upbringing is a sunk cost and from reading, sounds like something done out of love for your child as you have contributed above the minimum. It's easy to get emotional about feel upset when being told you are a bad father.

I'm a father myself and i try my best. If i was told that i was no good, it would hurt me to my core as i love my kids dearly and i would think i had done enough that my partner should be able to see what i do. But actually, her response doesn't matter to me. When i get home from work everyday and see my kids eye's light up (they are younger than 14), it makes whatever hardship i have had that day/week/month disappear and seem lighter.

Don't risk your relationship with your daughter by getting caught up in what someone else thinks. It will cause you upset and you'll want to over-compensate. Keep talking to your daughter and doing things you enjoy doing together and when the time is right ask her if 'there is anything she needs from you'/'are we okay?'/'if you ever want to talk, i'm here' etc..

You sound like a good guy and it's not easy being apart from your kid, having limited time with them. It does change a relationship and you are not in their life in the same way as you would be. i agree with the above from Angelica that you should acknowledge that between each other as could help eliminate the taboo.

I know it sounds cliche but focus on your love for your kid and your relationship with your partner. They are who matters and energy spent elsewhere is energy you then can't direct towards those that should get it.

lincroft1710

I think you have to accept that at 14 yrs old the child/adult relationship is changing. Teens want to spend less time with their parents and when you have a split family, it means the teen has either less time on their own/with friends or less time with each parent,

Wishywashy74

Thanks again, lots of varied and thoughtful voices in here and I've read an appreciate every single one. Me and my daughter are going for tea tomorrow so I'm not going to push any agenda, just re-iterate to her she has a home and I'll always be there for her.