How do I get my daughter to start coming over more like the old days...

Wishywashy74

So basically I have a 14 year daughter, she lives with her mother and stepfather and has done for about 9 years. I work away and when I'm home she used to spend alternative weekends and occasional days during the week and usually parts of the schools holidays with me.

I recently sold my house last year and moved in with my partner of 6 years and everything was great, daughter came over to stay and we all get on, always have, but my daughter did say recently she misses the old house.

However, my daughters mother now looks like she is going to divorce her husband and this has caused a strain, lots of arguments in their household and my daughter has suddenly wanted to spend less time with us to the point its virtually non existent barring a day here or there. I've tried talking to my daughter and she just makes excuses up about not wanting to leave her house? I don't understand why she'd want to stay there in between the arguments instead of coming to ours where's its more peaceful and we love having her here.

Now the mud slinging has started from my ex saying I don't do enough with my daughter, I've tried so many times to reason with my daughter but she just makes excuses and I get labelled by my ex as someone who is not doing enough, I'm not sure what to do as I can't force my daughter to stay with us.

I'm absolutely fed up with it and my partner is seeing the effect its having on me, she's talked to my daughter asking her to come stay with us even if its just for a couple of days, really could do with some advice on this one…

BridgetTheCat

🤔 If her mother is divorcing maybe she’s afraid she will lose that house too? Maybe she’s subconsciously trying to establish that it’s her home and she doesn’t want to leave it. She’s already ‘lost’ your old house - presumably she didn’t get a say in that. If I was her I’d be feeling pretty insecure about the whole situation and maybe digging in in one place is a reaction to that.

Kat78MFW

Do you live close enough that you can take her out for an activity and a meal out with no pressure for her to come and stay over at yours? Cinema, bowling, climbing, indoor mini golf? Or something related to an interest that she has like a music gig or similar? Might be a good way to start having fun together and rebuilding the connection you had with her.

marcia_

she's at an age where sleepovers with a parent is no longer fun. Friends and activities are more important. I would just try and do lots of day activities with her that you can if you can afford it.

gwynlas

She is at an age where she probably just wants to retreat to her room mixing with parents in small doses.

There is also the upheaval of her possibly losing another home and adult father figure without having a say in the matter

Can you plan some activity with her where it is just the two of you, maybe going for a cheap meal at W'spoons to let her know that you are there for her?

Ignore your ex she does not have all the answers ans is probably feeling guilty that she is unable to control the situation around her whilst going through another relationship breakdown.

If you do have an otherwise amicable relationship with your ex, you can of course offer support

RAS

There's a lot going on in your daughter's life. Reasoning with feelings doesn't work. Nor does expecting her to want to see you as much now that she's older.

Next time she mentions the old house, ask her about her feelings about the sale and move. Beyond acknowledging those feelings and perhaps commenting that you hadn't understood how she felt, do NOT try and explain or reason with her. Honour her feelings even if nothing can now be done about them. Accept that having wishes that are unachievable is fine. It takes time to let go.

You may feel this is harsh, but from her perspective she may feel that both parents have moved on to new relationships where she's not the focus of attention in that easy way that sometimes exists in birth families. Even if mum's relationship is breaking down, mum is going to be expending a lot of energy on it at the moment.

It may also be worth exploring with your daughter her feelings about her mother's new breakup. That may be triggering old feelings.

And if you are brave, ask about her relationship with her step-father and how she feels about the end of her mother's relationship with him? We've no idea whether he's been a bonus dad or a dead-beat but acknowledging that he's been a feature in a life that's now changing, again, may help her

By the way, even children from long dead or damaging marriages sometimes have a fantasy about their parents getting back together. It's possible to hold contradictory wishes/emotions and it can feel a bit crazy. Again, don't reason, just acknowledge and sit with the feelings.

Wishywashy74

Thanks all for the advice, just for context, my daughter lives about 25 mins away in the car and she was 4/5 years old when me and her mum divorced. We did have a conversation last year (me and my partner) about our plans for moving in together and she seemed absolutely fine with it, asking a few questions and seemed re-assured at the answers.

It seems a lot of this has started once her mother and her husband have started having issues with their marriage, and as much as I'd like my daughter to come stay with us for a couple or few days at a time she just doesn't want to. My daughter says she can't stand her step father and wants her mother to leave him, she gets confused by the flip flopping her mother's relationship, one minute they are divorcing then the next they are trying to make things work. (Me personally, I want them to work as it makes the whole relationship better for everyone) but my daughter doesn't see it that way.

Its hard for me to understand whats going on in her head as she doesn't really give me much info back, but what isn't helping is being accused of abandoning my daughter and being a sh=t parent by my ex. The sacrifices I've made to support my daughter throughout my divorce and her growing up makes it hard to not snap back at my ex when she starts having a go.

I've just asked my daughter if she fancies going for a coffee and food but she just wants to sit in her room and be with her own thoughts.

ButterCheese

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I had a very similar thing when my son was the same age, and he's the same age as your daughter now. We found that the relationship between the parents is key - and having consistency. That means both parents giving the same signals/attention/advice to your daughter. You don't really know what your ex has said to your daughter or how she's said it, so maybe try to have a chat about that with your ex?

But I echo the above - you can't encourage a 14 yr old to do much other than what they want to do. Make it clear that you are there for her, and you'll always be her Dad. And no matter what happens, both parents are putting her welfare first during all of this stuff. I'm not convinced your ex is doing that, but I don't know her so

RAS

Thanks for the reply. It does seem that the current situation is a response to problems at her mother's house.

One trick that might work if your partner is OK, is if you offer to be a taxi, when it's convenient. Sitting side by side and asking nothing, reduces the pressure, and gives the teen an opportunity to open up when they want to.

Wishywashy74

Thanks all again, its re-assuring to hear peoples experiences on this. I always had it in my head that at some point my daughter was going to spend less time at ours and I was ok with that, if anything I was looking forward to seeing that happen as it would mean my daughter is growing and expanding her life experiences with friends etc.

But this, this is different and she's in a toxic environment at the moment and I can't do anything but try and make sure she's aware that she is always welcome here and her room is always here for her. My partner tried to get her to come over last night but got the same responses I did.

Where I've let myself down in all this was on the phone to her mother last night after the accusations came flooding over the line and me swearing at her and hung up on her. I asked my daughter later on if her mother was drinking to which she said she was.

My job involves working away for periods at a time then coming home for good lengths of time, thats never changed in the last 20 years and its provided us with a good lifestyle, my daughter gets an incredible amount of child maintenance and I pay extra for her to go to a private school. What my ex doesn't realise is that I can't afford to go on 2-3 holidays a year and take my daughter away like she and her husband used to. I have bills to pay including my daughters maintenance all her pocket money, the money I give for school trips, buying her clothes and taking her out etc etc, it all adds up. No dad wants to be away from their kids but in my line of work I have to do that to earn the decent living we have. And thats what got me the most when I'm accused of being a sh-t parent and leaving all to her mum to deal with.

Anyway rant over, I've spoken briefly to my daughter again and just told her there's a home here for her whenever she wants it and to give mea call or message at any time, I'm going to leave her alone for a couple of days and just hope the ex doesn't start firing messages across again.

RAS

Thanks for the further explanation.

I can understand the frustration with your ex, but it may be better to keep your daughter out of the loop there as much as possible. I'm guessing your ex really knows how to push your buttons, even if you split a decade ago?

It appears that your generous support for your daughter has enabled your ex to maintain a higher standard of living than might have been the case if you stuck to the legal minimum?

And she may now be feeling the financial impact of the possible break down of her current relationship? Add that to alcohol and she's lashing out.

Might you benefit from some couples' counselling, on an individual basis, perhaps via a men's group, or learning to water-proof the duck's back? And perhaps develop a few purely factual statements with which you can respond to her digs?