Lack of family time starting to get to me

MikeL93

When my partner returned to work after our son was born, we agreed she would go back to work part time as our finances and childcare etc allowed this. I work Monday to Friday in a 9-5 job, she went back to work and told her employer her availability was all day Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and she was available at a weekend but she only wanted to work one day a weekend to allow us to have family time together. Her manager at the time understood this and accepted it and they agreed she would work Saturday's and Sunday's if and when they needed her but not every weekend.

Everything was going fine until her manager left and was replaced by someone who is completely incompetent in the job role and since October she has had just 5 weekend days off work. Throwing days over Christmas into the mix and we have had a maximum of 9 days together in almost 5 months.

It is now getting to a point where I feel like I am at breaking point, on a weekend I feel like I am a single parent because she is usually on a 7-4pm shift meaning we cant really do much at all with our days and even if I just wanted 30 minutes to go for a run or a quick bike ride I can't.

I have tried talking to my girlfriend about this so many times and she keeps saying she will see how things go over the next few weeks and then say something but never does. I really don't want to say this to her but I feel like I am in a last resort and can basically only say to her if she doesn't sort this with work then I will have to look at making changes in my life.

The thought of us spending a day together as a family is what used to get me through the stressful weeks in work but currently I feel like I've got nothing to look forward to when I finish work on a Friday.

How can I sort this?

Grumpy_chap

Do you have any flexibility in your work hours / days?

Could you suggest a family trip and schedule in advance so that she has a specific reason to avoid work scheduling on that day?

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6653929/lack-of-family-time-starting-to-get-to-me

Is it possible your girlfriend likes working? That she too doesn't like being the sole person in charge/looking after your son? That she resents you going out for a run/bike ride? And working 9-5 coming home and presumably getting dinner served...

You're raising it with her, and aside from relationship counselling that's all you can do.

MikeL93

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81871099#Comment_81871099

I've spoken to work about going down to a 4 day week but it would mean a huge pay cut which we cannot afford to take on right now.

MikeL93

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81871106#Comment_81871106

Quite a few assumptions from you there. I am up at 6am during the week and most of the time I use that time whilst our son is asleep to prep tea for that night, either by chopping ingredients etc or using the slow cooker and setting it on low to cook through the day. Then when i finally get home from work it is then a joint thing getting tea sorted.

As for the resentment, I don't resent my girlfriend going to the salon in an evening or having a relaxing bath in an evening when we have had our tea etc as we then start to wind down for the day. I then look after our son whilst she does that and play with him and get him ready for bed.

Newbie_John

Kids bring changes to our lives.

2 days a week she's "single parent" and 2 days a week you are. I'd focus more on what you have - time after 4/5pm together, holidays.

Regarding a bike ride, do you have anyone around you you could leave your child for 30mins? Any child minders, family? What the about the time when she comes back home after work?

Why does your partner go to work on extra days? Finances? Time away? Manager pressure?

Emmia

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81871134#Comment_81871134

I really think you probably need to go and have a session with some counselling - we're only being told one side of things.

A counsellor will let both of you speak about how you feel. We're strangers on the internet, none of us has an insight on what your girlfriend thinks. She might (for example) resent on some level having your son - perhaps she feels trapped by it...

MikeL93

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81871191#Comment_81871191

The two days a week that she is the single parent just also happen to be the days that I work from home, so whilst I am upstairs in my office I will go downstairs every 90 minutes or so just to check she is managing okay and there have been times where on these days I have told her to go to the hairdressers and get her hair done.

As for child minders we really don't have many people that we can rely, when she was pregnant we had loads of people saying they would help but then despite asking that help has never arrived.

mark_cycling00

Hi.

Firstly it sounds like your girlfriend has a totally inconsiderate boss. It's amazing how little sympathy people can have for parents with young children. Maybe they don't appreciate how it is, or often they had a tough time when they had children and just think that this is the norm.

It's difficult to say no to your manager especially if they're using you to cover for their own mistakes.

Its likely that you're girlfriend is worn down by all this too and doesn't have the energy to stand-up to the boss or complain etc.

This stage of family is really tough. I know so many couples who have split up when their child is between 2-4. They just take up so much energy, are stroppy all the time. And as they're no longer cute babies, lots of family and friend help disappears.

My experience is that theres two types of families with toddlers.

1. They have lots of family and friends nearby who help out, do childcare one weekday and often one weekend day. Their friends also have children and are supportive. These parents get time to relax, have hobbies, have dates etc. also at least one of your friends will notice that you're struggling and come and help.

2. They don't get much family help and don't have many friends who also have children. These parents really struggle and no-one is ever there to realise you need help, offer advice etc.

Also both parents don't get to see how life should be different.

For us it was when our kid was given the soft toy puppy from nursery to look after for the weekend. It came with a book where you wrote what you did. We suddenly saw how every other family had grandparents helping out at the weekends, or siblings helping but in 3 years we had never had as much as an hour of help from family. No wonder we were so knackered.and ill all the time.

Then we realised that things have to change.

MikeL93

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/81871215#Comment_81871215

What things changed if you don't mind me asking?

mark_cycling00

We approached grandparents to explain that we needed help and suggested they stayed for a week over the main school holidays. That hasn't resulted in anything though.

We decided to spend more weekend days as a family with friends who also have a toddler.

This is useful. You get to see how other parents are struggling in some areas but doing better in others. And it's more relaxing as a day too

We agreed that I needed some weekly time to exercise before I had a heart attack. To be honest this is still difficult to make happen. We keep getting ill from being so busy.

Also, changed the nursery to do more days and with less travel