What to do just in case

missimaxo

My lovely 21yr old son has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumour. Next step is a biopsy but we *think* it’s benign but has caused a seizure and we’re waiting for hospital appointments to start in the new year followed by chemotherapy. Obviously a total shock but having had discussions we want to plan for the worst but hope for the best. 

I have had him complete a basic will gifting what little he has to who he wants and giving details of his preferred funeral plan and organ donation decision. 

I’m thinking of doing an LPA for health. I don’t think we need one for wealth as he has very little and his only bill is his student halls of residence for which I’m guarantor anyway so can pay myself. The difficulty in this is he wants his dad to be on it, we don’t get on and live in different areas of the country and his dad is useless at doing things so if I post it to him I won’t likely get it returned. I’m thinking of having it ready to go so if we’re both at a hospital appointment I can ask him to sign. I have no experience of these. With him being young, can I get it signed by all parties but delay registering it unless his health starts to decline. My thoughts are if he recovers and gets married he won’t want his dad and me to be on it without a future partner. 

Is there anything else I should be doing? I’m getting him to write a list of log ins for things like his laptop and phone so I can access them. I’m probably overthinking things but would rather get organised now. 

Brie

Can't help beyond saying what a dreadful thing to have to face.  Sounds like you are both being very brave and practical.  I wish you the best.

Flugelhorn

I am so sorry to hear this has happened - you sound very brave but it must be hurting - well done to both of you for being to talk about it.

Re LPA - can be a faff sending forms to other people - so best if you keep it simple and just have you - and yes financial affairs can be useful too - means you can handle his finances for him if he is unwell. You can have it ready and registered but don't need it if he can manage on his own. Also he can always send in a form cancelling it when he gets better 

Logins are a good idea

List of friends "to be told" can be handy - you may think you know them all but they may be some others.

silvercar

Sorry you are in this situation, I hope the tumour turns out to be benign and recovery is speedy.

You need to do the LPA and register it, you don’t then enact it until such a time as you need to. But registering it takes about 8 - 10 weeks, so you need to start the ball rolling.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/register

Mands

silvercar said:

Sorry you are in this situation, I hope the tumour turns out to be benign and recovery is speedy.

You need to do the LPA and register it, you don’t then enact it until such a time as you need to. But registering it takes about 8 - 10 weeks, so you need to start the ball rolling.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/register

The registration time was close to half a year only two years ago. It'd be nice to think it will continue to go down but if it goes back up that's a complication you could do without. The LPA can be revoked later if that's appropriate.

Like others here I'm very sorry for what you are all going through. The regulars here are kind and knowledgeable and have experienced almost all variations of loss between us. Lean in to the help and support here. Let us ease some of the admin load for you. 

Hugs,
Mands

elsien

I think maybe you need to ask him why he wants his dad, and also explain why you are concerned. 

Because it is his choice at the end of the day and it might be the difference between wanting his father actively involved in any decisions that need to be made, or simply not wanting him to feel left out. If he puts you down to act jointly and severally  then you can still be the primary person involved on your own anyway if you are the one who is on hand when needed. It would be a very bad idea to set up a power-of-attorney with two people who don’t agree who can only act jointly because that would be setting the LPA up to fail. 

The health and welfare power-of-attorney only kicks in if  he loses capacity but you do need to have it signed and registered just in case, for example, his health takes an unexpected sudden term for the worse. Expect  the unexpected,  as it were. Things  can go wrong in operations and there may be urgent decisions that need to be made but can’t wait. Just registered my brother’s for similar reasons and it took a few weeks to come back.

You don’t need to worry right now about what happens in the future because he can simply revoke the ones that he has and create new ones should he wish to do so. 

RAS

You need to sort out the practical stuff, but the most important is that you give him hugs if he consents, tell him how much you love him and facilitate his friendships, even if you don't particularly like the people concerned. 

Get support for yourself and find a way to help him feel on control. Even if you have an LPA always ask his consent if he is well enough and if he isn't ask if it can wait.

itsthelittlethings

I think you should respect his wishes to have his dad on the LPA. You can choose for certain decisions to be made by either of the attorneys (there is special wording but I can’t remember what it is) and certain decisions to be made only by two together. He may feel like he wants decisions like DNRs (sorry but you are going to have to have some difficult conversations if you go for a health and welfare LPA as well as one for finances) he wants to be made by you and his dad and I can see his position. If you and his dad really do not get on to the extent that you would not be able to make this kind of decision together, maybe an LPA is not for your son. It’s very important he is not pressured into anything.

gwynlas

Sorry to hear that this is happening to your family, went through a similar situation ourselves.
It sounds as though getting the practicalities sorted is allowing to you to exert some control over the situation.
If you both feel up to it then continue discussing all possibilities including choice of service music etc, and what role he wishes his father to take.
We should all have wills and LPAs drawn up and reviewed on a regular basis as nobody knows what might lie in store for us

missimaxo

Thank you everyone to been really useful. I hadn’t considered a list of friends and I hardly know his life at uni in London so will definitely cross that bridge and discuss it with him. I also hadn’t considered a DNR so something else to discuss. As a family my mum has always been very open in discussing things to do with death and wills so I have done the same with both my kids, it definitely made approaching him easier to discuss. I will go for joint and several on the POAs, it is a matter of not wanting his dad to feel left out by including him. 

It’s a story far too long for here but when I split with his dad he was 15 and he hoped that his relationship with his dad would improve. Sadly it didn’t but he always hopes it will. He visited his dad after the diagnosis and before coming to me and apparently although his dad is being supportive, but he was still also being a bit of !!!!!! with him, criticising small things and being obnoxious. I have no idea how his dad will be about making tough decisions but I will certainly honour all of my sons wishes if the worst happens, that’s partly why I added his funeral requests into the will as he wants it near where I live/ where he grew up from the age of 4, not in the area he was initially born where his dad is from but I could envisage his dad being awkward about it as he no longer lives anywhere near here. 

I will take the advice to register the POAs as soon as they are signed now I know they can be revoked if needed. I will also do the wealth one. 

elsien

Another question for your son.
Who does he trust to make decisions (should it come to it) in regards to health? Because if his dad hasn’t really been in his life he’s not going to know what your son’s wishes and preference would be if the circumstances change. So either your son needs to be able to have the same conversations with him that he’s had with you (which is a really good thing that he has been able to do), or he may need to write some things down so if there is a dispute, it’s a little bit clearer what he might have wanted. 

Worst case scenario, these decisions could have a massive impact on him. Wanting to keep dad happy if dad doesn’t know him particularly well any more is not a good enough reason to have him as a power of attorney. 
As an example for my own family, my brother chose to have me as his power of attorney rather than his adult children because he knows that he would not want to be put through a lot of treatment but he feels his children would find it too hard to put their own views to one side because they would want to fight for him all the way even if he really didn’t want fighting for.