Home education, finances, and anxiety

BlueJay47

Hi everyone,

I’d be really grateful for advice from anyone who’s been through something similar. My daughter is 11 (Year 7) and has struggled with anxiety around school since Reception. On her first days of school, she would sit in puddles in her uniform to try to avoid going in, and burst into tears. She did eventually settle, but I don’t think she ever truly felt safe, she just learned to cope because she had to. Her teachers would say she eventually settled, but that didn't sit right with me, and of course, they would say that...

She went to a very high-achieving primary school, one of the best in our city, but she didn’t fit their “ideal pupil” mould and was often overlooked. I was the one who pushed for external professional support; the school didn’t initiate it. When professionals finally came in, they were surprised they hadn’t been contacted sooner, and within minutes of speaking to her, they asked whether we had ever considered referring her for an ADHD assessment.

In Year 4 we moved her to a more supportive primary school. They assessed her for various needs and said they strongly suspected ADHD. She has been on the NHS waiting list ever since. But even then, none of the teachers really got to know her - they said she was quiet and shy. That is certainly not who my daughter is! She is bright, bubbly, creative, makes lots of friends easily, and really confident, at least outside of school. When she left, I felt like the teachers didn't really know her at all.

She’s now in an enormous secondary school (around 2,000 girls). I must stress that it was her choice to go there, as she wanted to stay with her friends, and it genuinely is one of the better schools locally. My husband and I said it would either make her or break her, and we crossed our fingers and hoped for the best. Other nearby schools aren’t as strong in terms of teaching or support, so we tried to honour her wishes. But since starting, her anxiety has escalated. Most mornings now involve panic, tears, or physical anxiety, and she comes home emotionally exhausted and dysregulated.

The school’s SENCO team are trying, but the system is huge and rigid. It feels like they’re focusing on getting her to conform rather than adapting things to meet where she actually is — emotionally or academically. She didn’t pass her SATs, and while she is bright and creative, she often feels behind and misunderstood. She also has spiralling anxiety attacks in lessons she finds really hard, and has to leave the classroom because she is in floods of tears. Sometimes she tries to skip classes altogether and sit in the Learning Hub because she simply cannot face it.

My husband and I are struggling to agree on what to do. I left a very good job in part to make sure that my daughter settled into her new school, and we are now a single-income household so money is tight. We’ve looked into online schools, but we just can’t afford them. My husband works in a school and feels that mainstream education is still the best place for her, for socialisation, structure, and support with her (as yet undiagnosed) ADHD. I understand that view; the highest qualification I hold is a PhD, so I am well aware of the importance of education for a huge number of reasons.

But I’m also watching school slowly drain the joy out of her, trigger her spiralling anxiety, and with one piece of the jigsaw missing (namely an ADHD diagnoses) the school can only fight fires. I don’t want to wait until she completely shuts down. I know it’s very early in the first term of Year 7 to even be talking about homeschooling, but I don’t want to put her through any more of this if there’s another way. I believe homeschooling could give her time to recover emotionally, rebuild confidence, and catch up on basic skills in a calm environment. I’m willing to make sacrifices to do that. The idea wouldn’t be to homeschool indefinitely — the plan would be for her to return to school or a learning centre for GCSEs when she’s ready.

I guess what I’m asking is this:

• Has anyone homeschooled a child with anxiety or suspected ADHD after school became too overwhelming?
• Did it help — emotionally or academically?
• How did you navigate it if one parent disagreed?
• Was your child able to reintegrate into school or start GCSE learning later on?
• Are there any affordable UK resources, flexi-school options or support networks you’d recommend?
• And how do you know when school has stopped being “good pressure” and started becoming harm?

Thank you so much if you’ve read this far. 

Brie

I don't have any good direct answers to your questions but would suggest that you see if you can find a local group of parents with ADHD children and ask for their advice.  They might be able to tell you how to better get an assessment or how to push for the support your daughter needs.   

Her school should very well know if there is a public group or might be willing to suggest who to talk to.  Likely they may claim data privacy issues.  Is there a parent group for the school or a whatsapp group where you could ask a general question? 

If not directly attached to the school what about asking on a more general website like NextDoor?  I know there's lots of chatter about SENS etc on Mumsnet but that can be a bit of a snake pit at times so make sure you are ready before enquiring there.  

sheramber

My grandson had adhd  and autism and school is a big  problem.  

They were forced to get a private  assessment for adhd. He is still on the waiting list for NHS assessment for autism but his adhd assessor said he showed indications of autism. 

SEND provision is not geared to adhd. It is mainly for those with learning difficulties, which doesn’t necessarily apply in adhd cases and does not apply to my grandson.

They do not understand his adhd problems and are trying to shoehorn him into mainstream education. 

My DIL has gained more information and advice  from other parents of adhd children  on Facebook. 

Home schooling is not possible for them as during lockdown, when children were given work to do at home , he was self  harming.

School is school and home is home and never the two shall meet. 
. 

Myci85

Have you heard of SENDIASS? They offer advice and guidance to families with children with SEND. Might be worth contacting them for some advice around your options. 

Personally I would always say emotional wellbeing and mental health has to come before academic attainment and goals. Yes learning is important, but if your daughter is spending her school life in fight or flight mode, her brain is not able to learn. Can you agree a compromise that for 1 year you try home ed and monitor how it goes? This will be easier to do in KS3 than KS4. Use social media to find any home ed groups in your area, that may be able to support both in terms of a social network for your daughter, but also academic support where needed 

No personal experience, but I work with children, young people and their families, and see all too often children for who school can be seriously detrimental to their mental health. 

Savvy_Sue

More links at the end, but never mind the lack of formal diagnosis, it may be worth seeing if the GP will prescribe anti-anxiety medication.

And remember, you don't NEED a label on something to recognise that a child needs help, and I'm sorry school aren't willing to help more effectively.

It is tricky if there's a parental disagreement, but I think your DH may be biased towards school / mainstream / inclusion - because that's what he's comfortable with. 

I'm just wondering what your DD does outside school? Activities like Guides (or Scouts), sports, music, drama, does she enjoy them?

Definitely worth finding local support groups, both for ADHD and home ed.

https://www.educationotherwise.org/

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/

https://adhduk.co.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/adhd-and-mental-health/

BlueJay47

Thank you so much everyone, I truly appreciate all of these responses and completely take on board all of them. This morning my daughter is once again late for school as she can't face it. She spent most of the morning yesterday in the SENCO crying as she didn't want to be there. I wouldn't have even considered home school except for the fact that for those days where she was having panic attacks and really didn't want to go in, she would stay home and actually want to learn, she chose to learn, she didn't sit on screens all day, she actively sought learning out for herself. The change in her mood was remarkable. She would sit at the computer and visit websites like Oak Academy and actively learn on her own accord. The smile on her face and the positive attitude said it all for me, if I'm honest. But I am also aware too that it is very early in the term of a new school and I should probably want to give her a chance to settle. My worry though is that she will still just put up with it because she thinks she has to, that she won't do as well as she could because of that as she's just one in thousands of girls there, and I don't think this is healthy. I have also considered flexi schooling, but don't know much about it except that you need agreement from the school as well. I have also thought about the fact that so many say that re-entering secondary education in Y10 is a risk, which to me doesn't make much sense because I know people whose children have left their first secondary school to go to a specialist college (performing arts, sports, etc), and have flourished. It's a minefield, but one I am determined to traverse.

Spendless

My daughter ended up going to 3 different schools in yr11. I wouldnt relive that year if I was offerred £1M to do so!

How did we end up with that situation? Because when probs reared their head part way into yr9, when there'd never been a previous problem. I put it down to itll pass whilst struggling to understand it and a sense of the school shes at is sought after, shed never get back in and the ones with spaces are rubbish.

Years on as an adult it was discovered she had ADHD. What would I do differently if Id known what I know now. Id have moved her schools at the earliest possibility, instead of hoping itd all pass. Id have chosen a school based on their pastoral care (and Senco if we'd realised) not on their exam results. 

Good luck, I think you know what your gut is telling you. 

Savvy_Sue

So how long would be 'long enough' to settle? Your DH presumably doesn't see the full extent of her upsetness. How would HIS school deal with this?

HedgehogRulez

Have you considered sending her to a “special school” with other children like her? She may enjoy it more 

marcia_

HedgehogRulez said:

Have you considered sending her to a “special school” with other children like her? She may enjoy it more 

 Easier said than done. Child needs an EHCP to go to a special school and even then the majority don't get a place because their current school says they can meet their needs and there is a nationwide shortage of special needs school placements.

 My son has several learning disabilities and I had to fight tooth and nail getting him into a special school which included paying out for an educational psychology report outlining why he needed it. 

RAS

Based on your second post, the issue isn't that she doesn't want to learn. It's that something(s) in the school environment terrifies her. So she's in pure fight or flight mode.

At that point, possibly including all the morning she spent in the SENCO, she's incapable to explaining what the issue is. When she's not distressed try to talk to her about. At least ask her to think and when she's feels able to express herself, share with you.

You might also want to look at mindfulness, or focusing.org. These aren't golden bullets because there are times when feeling terrified is justified, or is what you feel. But both can teach ways of managing overwhelm.

And look for your local homeschooling network. 

I'd also be blunt. The important GCSE qualifications are English, Maths and sciences. If she's interested in languages, she'd pick them up beyond GCSE level without much tuition.

It's not unknown for non-conformers to re-enter at 15/16, take essential GCSEs at college and then do their higher exams through college. If their terror of formal education continues, then high performing tertiary may not be the appropriate. But they may well be able to perform very well in the right subject.