Neighbour issue - But not the usual sort!

BridgetTheCat

I agree with the others - he’s made it very clear he wants to be left alone so you have to butt out at this point. Contrary to popular belief some people are actually happy by themselves. I know I’ve had to have a word with my neighbour about overstepping boundaries - looking in my front window when I didn’t answer the door immediately (I was in the bathroom).

I think the most I would do would be a Christmas card along the lines of:

”Dear Mr X, [usual seasonal greeting]

You’ve made it clear you want to be left alone, and I respect that. I won’t bother you again. But if you ever change your mind here is my phone number [number]. I’d be very happy to hear from you.

best wishes [swingaloo]”

Don’t make it about you and your worries. Don’t make it about his health or his potential death. Just leave the door open for contact on his terms.

GDB2222

Being constructive for a moment, you could put a leaflet for a fall alarm in his letterbox.  Something like this 

https://personalalarms.ageco.co.uk/pages/personal-alarm-1-month-free-ppc-4138



Plus a note saying that you will respect his wishes for privacy but if he needs anything he should not hesitate to ask you. 

You can’t really do anything more. 

swingaloo

Thank you for all the replies. I've taken all the comments on board. 

Just to clarify, Im not some sort of nosey stalker as one poster seems to suggest. I have only been to his door once since his wife died years ago and that was when I hadn't seen him for a few days. On that occasion my imagination ran from him being a bit off colour through to lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken leg (as I once was for 7 hours!). I probably over reacted but I couldn't stand the thought that he may need help and not be able to make anyone aware.

Nor do I stand at my window staring at his garden, I only see it when I open my curtains in the morning or clean my windows. His business is of course entirely his own.  I'm not watching his every move, he is happy living as he does and it hasn't got anything to do with me. 
Contact is limited to just a hand wave or 'Good Morning' if our paths cross which he seems ok with. I know this man chooses to live as he does. 

On a purely personal side, I don't think its wrong to be concerned for someone's welfare. There are a lot of lonely people out there but he is not one of them, he likes his own company.
Perhaps I'm just old fashioned but I think it's sad that we have got to a stage where a lot of members of society don't care about their neighbours at all.  Back in the days when papers and milk were delivered to the door and piled up or someone's curtain stayed closed for days there would be sure to be someone who cared enough to enquire about them.

RipleyG

I think your concerns are valid, and thoughtful. The behaviour you describe is very typical of a rising issue, particularly (though not exclusively) among older members of our communities. Death of a partner can be a key factor in triggering/exacerbating it. 

That's why 'Hoarding and Self-neglect' has been added to the list of things covered by Safeguarding regulations.

Your neighbour might be fine, but he also might not. If you're still worried after having spoken to him, I'd suggest calling your local adult social care department (at your Council). They'll probably want you to give them a name and address for your neighbour - so have a think about whether you're comfortable doing that before you ring. If you're not, prepare yourself to say so and say you are just asking about any useful suggestions they might be able to make. 

If you decide not to do that, then keep doing what you're doing - keeping an eye out, remembering when you last saw him and how regularly you're seeing him, and if something changes then think again about getting in touch with social services. 

Brie

I think it's a case of responding or "butting in" when you have a reason to. 

I had noticed an elderly neighbour's side light on for a few days.  Very unusual.  So I knocked on her door.  Fortunately she was ok and also grateful that I had noticed and came to tell her.  My prepared line, which I didn't really need, was "I thought you'd like to know as it's a waste of electricity and I bet your bill is high enough already!".   Turned out she beat me to it which made her extra happy for me to have pointed out the light being on.  

Yes I do think it was more likely that someone delivering post or milk would be the first one to notice something really nasty but given the lack of services these days it's down to us nosy neighbours to help where we can.

edited to add: as a weekly listener to the Archers omnibus on Radio 4 it occurs to me that there was a similar thing on there that gives me an idea re practical help.  Spoiler alert - David Archer goes to deliver a bit of kit to a older farmer and finds him dead in the milking parlour.  And he realises that while he's know the chap for 30 years he doesn't know his first name or whether he has any family.  So I wonder if you think about the few conversations you had with your neighbour and his wife if there's any glimmer of anything that might be useful once your neighbour does shuffle off.  Mention of a cousin somewhere, whether they used to attend church or some other group, where he worked, etc and maybe just note vaguely/occasionally when you've seen him.   

chapea

we had this years ago (around 35) Mother and daughter next door  mother when last seen (she used to sit at a side window for years glaring if as a child I walked round the side of my house opposite their house) their house was detached   for the many years before odd times outside dressed head to toe in black   

The daughter who at the time was late 50s or so had a job in a sewing factory but no one was allowed anywhere near the house by the mother. My dad used to talk to the daughter odd times and was concerned when there wasn’t even any lights on for a while   Daughter said mother wasn’t letting anyone in to fix it and after years of this daughter was used to this and wouldn’t go against her mother  so they lived by paraffin lamps. 

Only time daughter asked for help was if she was ill and odd times asked my dad to collect her and mothers pension which was paid from post office with the old book and a letter allowing him to collect. They didn’t use banks too much then and obviously no internet. 

Then realising he hadn’t seen daughter in garden for a few days he went to knock but nothing. Tried a couple of times over next day then rang police

when they broke in after no answer there was a body in room at side which shall we say apparently wasn’t too nice as in hot summer weather and room was filled with bags of rubbish and lots and lots of material bits. They tried to do search for the daughter (possible homes etc) until after an autopsy realised it was actually the daughter. After a few days and checks they started digging up the garden. Full works with white tents etc but nothing. Then they searched the rest of the house. The two front bedrooms had been shut up for over 30 years (my parents had lived next to them for 40) after the father died 

they eventually found the mothers remains under the fireplace in one of these rooms. My parents were heartbroken that the daughter who was a lovely and quiet woman but obviously not had the best of lives with her mother but felt an obligation to look after her and we think was too scared to let anyone in due to the state of the house and what she had lived with. The tests the police managed to do showed as far as they could tell she had died of natural causes  she would have been in her 90s they reckoned. 

I do sometimes think what would happen today my parents and them were very quiet private people but did still keep an eye out i wonder how long she would have been there in today’s world sometimes. 

GrubbyGirl_2

swingaloo said:

On a purely personal side, I don't think its wrong to be concerned for someone's welfare. There are a lot of lonely people out there but he is not one of them, he likes his own company.
Perhaps I'm just old fashioned but I think it's sad that we have got to a stage where a lot of members of society don't care about their neighbours at all.  Back in the days when papers and milk were delivered to the door and piled up or someone's curtain stayed closed for days there would be sure to be someone who cared enough to enquire about them.

I totally agree with you.  I am so fortunate that I have the absolute best neighbours.  They know I am on my own so notice when things aren't "normal".  Just the other day I had completely forgotten to bring my bin in after the dustmen had been.  My next door neighbour brought my bin in then messaged me to make sure I was OK.  I've no doubt she would have come knocking if I hadn't replied.  

I think it is a generational thing though.  All of us in this street are 50 plus with no young families and I think we were all brought up to look out for each other.  I get fruit and veg from one neighbour, flowers from another, plants from another and the odd cake or biscuits.  In return I look after cats when they are away and walk the dog if they have to be out all day.  I know if I need help I will get it for sure, but at the same time we don't intrude on each other lives.

swingaloo

GrubbyGirl_2 said:

swingaloo said:

On a purely personal side, I don't think its wrong to be concerned for someone's welfare. There are a lot of lonely people out there but he is not one of them, he likes his own company.
Perhaps I'm just old fashioned but I think it's sad that we have got to a stage where a lot of members of society don't care about their neighbours at all.  Back in the days when papers and milk were delivered to the door and piled up or someone's curtain stayed closed for days there would be sure to be someone who cared enough to enquire about them.

I totally agree with you.  I am so fortunate that I have the absolute best neighbours.  They know I am on my own so notice when things aren't "normal".  Just the other day I had completely forgotten to bring my bin in after the dustmen had been.  My next door neighbour brought my bin in then messaged me to make sure I was OK.  I've no doubt she would have come knocking if I hadn't replied.  

I think it is a generational thing though.  All of us in this street are 50 plus with no young families and I think we were all brought up to look out for each other.  I get fruit and veg from one neighbour, flowers from another, plants from another and the odd cake or biscuits.  In return I look after cats when they are away and walk the dog if they have to be out all day.  I know if I need help I will get it for sure, but at the same time we don't intrude on each other lives.

That's lovely and i think its how it should be.
Although as far as the bins go my neighbours havent been put out in as long as I can remember. I can't do it for him as the gates are padlocked. That in itself is concerning because I know he shops occasionally and he must be eating so where on earth does his waste and packaging go.

Claddagh_Noir

I agree with a couple of other posters where they say keep and eye on him from afar.   Another good idea was to put a Christmas card through his card offering a lifeline (your contact number) and just leave it at that.

However,  the above could be to your detriment because he could have a change of heart and have you running around for him like a blue-bottomed-fly!😂😂

This sounds like the plot of the film 'A Man Called Otto'

I have a neighbour who is very astute with the other neighbours and she has me looking after the wildlife that visit her garden when she goes away!  I suppose, in a way, it is nice to have good neighbours, they are literally like gold dust.  It could be worse, you could have neighbours at war and the predicament is printed in the national press!

Wyndham

I think you are a kind person, but I think you have to move away.

You have offered, and it has been rebuffed. You have been told to keep away. If you continue to try then you are basically assuming that you know what is right for him better than he does. You may think he's making mistakes, but it's up to him, not you. And people choose to live their lives in many different ways.

Leaving a lifeline is good, and again kind. But if he doesn't want your help, or even to get to know you, then you have to respect that.

I'm not saying it's easy!!! But it is his choice.