Query over MIL

Brie

The only thing to do, in my opinion, is to be strong back to such as individual but also know when to walk away when it turns nasty. 

That's what I needed to do with my mom, and also with other members of my family.

Sausageroll14

born_again said:

Sausageroll14 said:

I do recognise that different people have different stress points. That doesn't mean you can't show empathy if something doesn't bother you the same way. I'm not going to justify my stressors but every single other person aware of our situation showed empathy. It's a basic requirement. 

Can be a age related thing, given some have maybe been through same thing & did not get the support. That people expect now, compared to years ago.

Working in my environment. I see many levels of empathy for other people over exactly the same situation. Yet the one's giving out the least, tend to be the most needy & are quick to bite if they do not get it back.

End of the day, live your life & do not let these people disrupt your life by their perceived lack of empathy.

I think you may have a point with the age and generation thing. Although in life and death situations I would still expect a level of empathy. 

Regarding your 2nd paragraph I can confirm that's my experience of my MIL and seeing as her biological family refer to her as a hypocondriac. 

I am trying. This year has been a steep learning curb. I'm no delicate flower but managing the situation has been trying. Thank you for your comment. 

MattMattMattUK

Sausageroll14 said:

MattMattMattUK said:

Things like these are very complicated, your husband and his siblings might not like her but they may still love her, conditioning as a child takes a long time to break down. 

Another factor is that different people react differently to stressors, some people will find a situation stressful, others will not be bothered in the slightest, for many it can depend on the specific stressor. If one is the latter it can often feel other people lack empathy, if one is the former then then it feels as if people are overreacting to everything. No situation in itself is actually stressful, a situation can have stressors and stress is a reaction and to some extent a choice. 

Now the difference is that most people who tend not to stress themselves over things recognise that other people are not the same, they have the empathy to realise that even if they handle a situation calmly not everyone does. They can be supportive, friendly and polite about it.

Many adults will over time realise their parents faults, some of those faults are small, some are things the parent cannot do anything about, others were a choice, or certainly a choice to inflict those faults on their children. Adult children have to process that in their own way and decide what relationship, if any, they want with their parent going forward.

Are you in the USA? You use "mom"  and I have noticed that southern and mid-western parents in particular seem to have a different parenting dynamic to the UK (and the rest of the US).

I don't know if I failed to explain myself well but I agree it is a complex and deeply rooted issue. 

Most family things are, they are based on a lifetime of interactions all tied up in emotion, they can take years to untangle even with professional help.

Sausageroll14 said:

I do recognise that different people have different stress points. That doesn't mean you can't show empathy if something doesn't bother you the same way. I'm not going to justify my stressors but every single other person aware of our situation showed empathy. It's a basic requirement. 

I agree, I was just pointing out that sometimes people react very differently and it can be really hard for either to understand sometimes. Most people can and do do their best to show some empathy or kindness, but others less so.

Sausageroll14 said:

Again, I think I've shown my husband is on this journey to discovery and acceptance. 

For the purpose of privacy, please regard my location it as Narnia. 😁

Can the lion help? 

The only reason I asked was because I have seen a very different parenting dynamic in the south and mid-west of the US, a very much push them into the danger and they will learn to survive, pressure should be dealt with via anger type of parenting. 

Sausageroll14 said:

My post was written with the aim of seeking guidance or helpful advice really. I think I am on the right track by limiting contact for me and just ignoring her comments and behaviour. I need to categorically state I am not seeking to control my husband in anyway. I fully support his support with his mum. It is his mum after all. 

The old advice would be to just remain civil, you do not need to try and be friends, you do not need to overly engage, you probably do need to be able to have a quick polite chat or offer her a cup of tea at family events. 

Sausageroll14 said:

born_again said:

Sausageroll14 said:

I do recognise that different people have different stress points. That doesn't mean you can't show empathy if something doesn't bother you the same way. I'm not going to justify my stressors but every single other person aware of our situation showed empathy. It's a basic requirement. 

Can be a age related thing, given some have maybe been through same thing & did not get the support. That people expect now, compared to years ago.

Working in my environment. I see many levels of empathy for other people over exactly the same situation. Yet the one's giving out the least, tend to be the most needy & are quick to bite if they do not get it back.

End of the day, live your life & do not let these people disrupt your life by their perceived lack of empathy.

I think you may have a point with the age and generation thing. Although in life and death situations I would still expect a level of empathy. 

It depends exactly how old, but older generations were generally more "just get on with it" type people, of course that can lead to PTSD so not exactly great in every situation. I do would still expect some empathy, but from an older person I would perhaps temper that expectation somewhat. It also depends on levels of cognitive decline, but as that kicks in empathy is one of the first things go to.

Sausageroll14 said:

Regarding your 2nd paragraph I can confirm that's my experience of my MIL and seeing as her biological family refer to her as a hypocondriac. 

There is a group I struggle to have sympathy with, it starts off ok, but by the time that their imagined ailment is going to be brain cancer or some obscure tropical disease for the third time that week I generally lose my patience with them. 

Sausageroll14 said:

I am trying. This year has been a steep learning curb. I'm no delicate flower but managing the situation has been trying. Thank you for your comment. 

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I am not suggesting in any way that there is anything wrong with you, but they can be very good at helping people working through things, things which otherwise would continue to be draining in day to day life. 

Sausageroll14

@MattMattMattUK

Glad we can agree. 

I agree different people can have different levels of empathy what confused me was that someone that laps up empathy and sympathy can offer 0% empathy to everyone. 

I think Narnia always helps 😜 Delightful stories. 

That's interesting I had no knowledge of this area. 

I would never be rude but I am placing firm boundaries on topics of conversations. As to offering her a cup of tea. I would always offer hospitality as and when needed. I am not seeking to punish her. 

Just to clarify this is a fit and able adult. 

I understand that would be exasperating. In this family it's joked about. 

Thank you for your suggestion. I am just on here to see if anyone had any lived experience of dealing with this kind of situation. 

Spendless

If MIL does have NPD I think your only options are no contact or 'grey rock'. If you're on SM there are groups dedicated to victims of narcisstic abuse, that you could join  - some are better than others. It might help clarify things for you though.