Query over MIL

Sausageroll14

So my query is how best to handle my MILs behaviour? 

Bit of back story me and my husband have been through hell and back to start a family and sadly it didn't work. That's all I am going to say about that. 

My MIL literally just told me to get over it whilst we were both grieving. I had to go no contact for a little bit as I was so hurt and angry. I did raise the issue with her very politely and she just advised I shouldn't have called her if I didn't want her opinion. Her own son winced when he heard this. 

I have had the rose tinted spectacles ripped off (MIL is extremely charming and social) so I basically only have contact when we visit and even then I tend to keep quiet. 

Her own family freely call her a narcissist. I don't think they really believe this as they don't really act on it. 

Yesterday she completely dismissed my husband's stress over a serious medical assessment he will be undergoing shortly. 

She dismissed her other sons extremely stressful property move which was delayed for over 6 months. It was a nightmare for him and his partner and small child. 

She doesn't seem to understand other people can have stress. She also doesn't seem to have any form of empathy. She is very manipulative and conniving. Usually she dismisses or one ups. She actively demands sympathy and understanding from others. I personally helped her through a long term issue with weekly calls. 

The rest of the family love her as they should and just tolerate the abuse she hands out. No one will stand up to her. I don't want to start a fight. I just want to stay safe and for my husband to stay safe as well. His mom can be harmful to his health. 

Devongardener

All you can realistically do is to avoid her as much as possible and be the better person by ignoring any abusive behaviour.  

She is not going to change and it even if other family members agree with you they probably won’t want the confrontation.
I had something similar with an in-law but it wasn’t worth the mental upset to engage with their behaviour.   You and your husband just need to be strong together.

Tree_pipe99

I'm a big believer in cutting out toxic people from your life for the sake of your own mental health.

It sounds like you're ready to do it but what about your husband? I'm sure it'll be more difficult for him as it's his mother. What does he think?

Sausageroll14

Tree_pipe99 said:

I'm a big believer in cutting out toxic people from your life for the sake of your own mental health.

It sounds like you're ready to do it but what about your husband? I'm sure it'll be more difficult for him as it's his mother. What does he think?

He has come a very long way in realising what his mum is actually like. I think seeing how she treated me was a big wake up. He did stand up for me as well. I think that was important. 

In his way he really limits contacts. He moved half way across the country and the reason for that was a pull of new opportunity and life but he later stated a significant push was his mother......

I try to find the joy and laughter in things. I decided to try the grey rock method and engage in a limited but pleasant manner (I am not trying to be rude or cruel) She drills for information about her son's life. When she failed to get this her tantrum was spectacular. I practically skipped to the car on the journey home. 

MattMattMattUK

Things like these are very complicated, your husband and his siblings might not like her but they may still love her, conditioning as a child takes a long time to break down. 

Another factor is that different people react differently to stressors, some people will find a situation stressful, others will not be bothered in the slightest, for many it can depend on the specific stressor. If one is the latter it can often feel other people lack empathy, if one is the former then then it feels as if people are overreacting to everything. No situation in itself is actually stressful, a situation can have stressors and stress is a reaction and to some extent a choice. 

Now the difference is that most people who tend not to stress themselves over things recognise that other people are not the same, they have the empathy to realise that even if they handle a situation calmly not everyone does. They can be supportive, friendly and polite about it.

Many adults will over time realise their parents faults, some of those faults are small, some are things the parent cannot do anything about, others were a choice, or certainly a choice to inflict those faults on their children. Adult children have to process that in their own way and decide what relationship, if any, they want with their parent going forward.

Are you in the USA? You use "mom"  and I have noticed that southern and mid-western parents in particular seem to have a different parenting dynamic to the UK (and the rest of the US).

Sea_Shell

MattMattMattUK said:

Many adults will over time realise their parents faults, some of those faults are small, some are things the parent cannot do anything about, others were a choice, or certainly a choice to inflict those faults on their children. Adult children have to process that in their own way and decide what relationship, if any, they want with their parent going forward.

This.

When you decide to limit contact for your own sanity, you are often met by the "but they're your Mum/Dad!!", or "you only get one Mum/Dad", or "I wish more than anything that my Mum/Dad were still here".

There is a lot of societal pressure to maintain relationships with family, especially parents, which only ramps up as they age and "need" you more, just at the point when you've had enough of their ****.   

KxMx

Oh the judgement I immediately faced last year when I said I wasn't spending Christmas with my mother, but my extended family. 
They soon shut up when I then said "this is my mothers choice actually!"

elsien

in terms of your husband though, this is his decision to make. You can’t manage that aspect of her behaviour on his behalf, that has to be up to him. You can support him. He needs to take the lead.

Sausageroll14

MattMattMattUK said:

Things like these are very complicated, your husband and his siblings might not like her but they may still love her, conditioning as a child takes a long time to break down. 

Another factor is that different people react differently to stressors, some people will find a situation stressful, others will not be bothered in the slightest, for many it can depend on the specific stressor. If one is the latter it can often feel other people lack empathy, if one is the former then then it feels as if people are overreacting to everything. No situation in itself is actually stressful, a situation can have stressors and stress is a reaction and to some extent a choice. 

Now the difference is that most people who tend not to stress themselves over things recognise that other people are not the same, they have the empathy to realise that even if they handle a situation calmly not everyone does. They can be supportive, friendly and polite about it.

Many adults will over time realise their parents faults, some of those faults are small, some are things the parent cannot do anything about, others were a choice, or certainly a choice to inflict those faults on their children. Adult children have to process that in their own way and decide what relationship, if any, they want with their parent going forward.

Are you in the USA? You use "mom"  and I have noticed that southern and mid-western parents in particular seem to have a different parenting dynamic to the UK (and the rest of the US).

I don't know if I failed to explain myself well but I agree it is a complex and deeply rooted issue. 

I do recognise that different people have different stress points. That doesn't mean you can't show empathy if something doesn't bother you the same way. I'm not going to justify my stressors but every single other person aware of our situation showed empathy. It's a basic requirement. 

Again, I think I've shown my husband is on this journey to discovery and acceptance. 

For the purpose of privacy, please regard my location it as Narnia. 😁

My post was written with the aim of seeking guidance or helpful advice really. I think I am on the right track by limiting contact for me and just ignoring her comments and behaviour. I need to categorically state I am not seeking to control my husband in anyway. I fully support his support with his mum. It is his mum after all. 

Sausageroll14

elsien said:

in terms of your husband though, this is his decision to make. You can’t manage that aspect of her behaviour on his behalf, that has to be up to him. You can support him. He needs to take the lead.

I don't know if I explained well enough that this is exactly what I think. This is his mom after all. I just hurts to watch a loved one suffer. I am not suggesting I take the lead but advice on supporting someone on this journey would be super helpful. 

born_again

Sausageroll14 said:

I do recognise that different people have different stress points. That doesn't mean you can't show empathy if something doesn't bother you the same way. I'm not going to justify my stressors but every single other person aware of our situation showed empathy. It's a basic requirement. 

Can be a age related thing, given some have maybe been through same thing & did not get the support. That people expect now, compared to years ago.

Working in my environment. I see many levels of empathy for other people over exactly the same situation. Yet the one's giving out the least, tend to be the most needy & are quick to bite if they do not get it back.

End of the day, live your life & do not let these people disrupt your life by their perceived lack of empathy.