Fertility Treatment

kittycatface

A bit of a clanger last weekend.
boyfriend (owns own house in which we were living together) dropped the info that after a year of it being on the cards he no longer wants to pursue fertility treatment. We were going to be eligible on the NHS from nov but now i am a single female with a quoted bill of 10k from the fertility clinic to go it alone and all that emotion that comes with it being a donor. Literally overnight this is the news no prep nothing. He has said I can stay here “until I find somewhere” but to be honest its not that viable when you are that upset and angry even if costs are going to be more and in nov when treatment starts i don’t want to be under his roof. 

I work part time fixed term until feb (another consideration re maternity rights?) good income but not enough to cover rental costs for me and a dog in this part of the world, I have to stay in this part of the world whilst I pursue fertility treatment. I am 42 and earn 1700 a month. I can maybe increase this income to 2k but am balancing this against all the other things going on and don’t want to get sacked for doing a crap job. 
I am not eligible for benefits
family members a no go one friend says i can stay at hers but 5 people plus 2 dogs in tiny council property is a bit of a hard one.  
I am going to try to apply to a charity called the fertility foundation in Jan to cover part of cost
I now find myself in a housing pickle also as I need upfront costs for rentals but will be committed to renting a place big enough for me dog and potential kid upwards of 2k inc bills per month here. 

Any advice or ideas gratefully received to maximise income especially support with fertility costs. I can’t do it abroad because of support network and dog job, by the time i have paid for me and dog and van to go get it all done its the same as here anyhow. I do all the survey/cashback/stuff and am pretty OS when it comes to budgeting but I just don’t want to sign myself up for a tenancy that is going to bankrupt me but i also need somewhere to live and be stable. Backing out of treatment not an option at my age and stage nor is putting it on hold. Sorry to sound such a negative ninny just a bit stuck and the power of others is immense. 

YBR

I have no advice, but just want to say I'm so sorry you're facing this situation.

kittycatface

Thank you so much x warmth from strangers means a lot right now 

Spikeygran

Sending a big hug.  I'm feeling cross that his change of mind, has the potential to affect your chance of motherhood.  

Have you checked the criteria for single women in your area, though looking at this it seems its discriminatory against single women.  So much for equality   .     https://fertilitymapper.com/fertility/treatment/ivf-for-single-women/

 I dont know whether there are any charities that could assist?  I suppose you could try crowd funding the IVF.  

Daft question but (without going into details of course) do you actually need IVF if theres a different donor?  A relative was about to go down the IVF route having had no luck through 2 marriages, and time running out. I think she had a tubal flush and got pregnant very quickly afterwards. I read an online article at the time that suggested it should be tried as a much cheaper procedure before IVF.

swingaloo

Its very difficult for you but reading your post from last year it seems that your partner is pension age, already has grown up children and is in very poor health and you are both stretched financially so its perhaps not that surprising that he des not wan to start a family now.

Its understandable that you want a child but if its going to mean the end of your relationship and be a struggle to manage alone raising a child is it really the best thing to do? 

Emmia

Spikeygran said:

Sending a big hug.  I'm feeling cross that his change of mind, has the potential to affect your chance of motherhood.  

Have you checked the criteria for single women in your area, though looking at this it seems its discriminatory against single women.  So much for equality   .     https://fertilitymapper.com/fertility/treatment/ivf-for-single-women/

 I dont know whether there are any charities that could assist?  I suppose you could try crowd funding the IVF.  

Daft question but (without going into details of course) do you actually need IVF if theres a different donor?  A relative was about to go down the IVF route having had no luck through 2 marriages, and time running out. I think she had a tubal flush and got pregnant very quickly afterwards. I read an online article at the time that suggested it should be tried as a much cheaper procedure before IVF.

When you say she had a "tubal flush" and got pregnant quickly who exactly did she get pregnant with/by afterwards?

Was it a case of having "relations" with a rando on a Friday night in a broom cupboard? Or did she then go the sperm donor / artificial insemination route? Or was it a "relationship" with this actively on the cards from day 1?

Spikeygran

Just 2nd husband, no broom cupboards involved. Theyd been trying for several years previously, were offered IVF but decided it was too stressful.  

MyRealNameToo

Sorry to hear.

Not fully following the story to be honest... so he broke up with you or he said he doesnt want kids any more and then you broke up?

Presumably you were far down the path in determining if it was male, female or both factors resulting in needing the treatment?

Spikeygran said:

Have you checked the criteria for single women in your area, though looking at this it seems its discriminatory against single women.  So much for equality   

Have you seen how they are with single men wanting kids?

LightFlare

Whilst it’s a rubbish situation - it’s probably better for it to have happened now than further down the line 

As already mentioned - if you will struggle financially as a single person as is - it doesn’t appear that you would be able to manage with a child.

Sometimes, some things are just not meant to be

Reading your post from last year - I can 100% sympathise with both of you. I had a cardiac arrest 2 years ago and whilst physically fit now, it has had a lasting affect on my cognitive function, personality and overall view on life and situations

beckstar1975

Sorry to sound harsh but if you are struggling financially to just house yourself then I just can't see how you will also be able to afford the treatment and then support a child. Whilst when they're tiny they're cheap childcare is now crippling cost-wise - yes you'll get some support but nowhere near enough to cover costs. Unless you have an amazing support network earning enough to pay for all the holiday/afterschool childcare in order to keep your job will also be really difficult unless you can significantly increase your salary.

We way underestimated the cost of having children and nearly went bankrupt, - now having to pay over £1k a month for 2 at uni even though they're 20 and 18 (and another at home), I wish I'd known then what I know now about costs.

I can't see you can do anything other than for now finding somewhere for you to live and getting sorted there, then once you are in and have upped your earnings looking back into it again.

Pollycat

swingaloo said:

Its very difficult for you but reading your post from last year it seems that your partner is pension age, already has grown up children and is in very poor health and you are both stretched financially so its perhaps not that surprising that he des not wan to start a family now.

Its understandable that you want a child but if its going to mean the end of your relationship and be a struggle to manage alone raising a child is it really the best thing to do? 

OP
In that earlier thread, you mentioned that you had been paying towards the mortgage.
Did you ever follow up on this?

tacpot12 said:

You can evidence that you have been paying him towards the mortgage and bills using the payments from your account. These are sufficient to prove that you have been paying him. 

Because you have been paying the mortgage, it is likely that you have a beneficial interest in your home, which means you do have the right to live there. This page tells you a bit more about this (you can ignore the fact that the page is aimed at situations where the relationship has broken down): Occupation rights if one partner is the sole owner - Shelter England