What's fair in terms of £ when I move into my husband's inherited family home?

swingaloo

oneneedstocleartheattic said:

Thanks for your POV.
Do the following clarifications change your steer at all?
* Our wills allow me to stay on in the inherited house until I die, if my husband predeceases me.
* My husband lived in my house, before we got hitched, for years and paid me a modest rent which I used to pay off my mortgage faster. Any renovations, upgrades, maintenance were my financial responsibility.
* The queries around controlling and coercive behaviour? You're barking up the wrong tree. Everything we do is 50/50: work, parenting, etc. Moving into this inherited house is the first time that equitableness will no longer reign - hence my reaching out for fresh ideas and wisdom.
I am striving for fairness. I don't want to be a freeloader. But I also don't want to be a mug either.
My husband has no expectation for me to contribute to the renovation costs but realistically, it needs a shedload doing and I don't want to live in a time warp house for two decades while he does it bit by bit as he can afford it.

So what happens if your husband were to suddenly die next week? 

Perhaps you may want to marry again in the future.
Perhaps you would want to move to another area.
Perhaps you want to downsize as you get older.
Perhaps you may need to go into care in the future.
or- Perhaps your husband will need to go into care and the house would need to be sold to cover costs.

Have you really considered all eventualities? How old is your son?

 Why is your sons future security more important to your husband than your future security?

What would happen if in a few years you decide to divorce, the house will be an asset of the marriage. I may be very old fashioned but I just cant get my head round the 'his and mine'. Its a marriage not a business partnership.

poseidon1

oneneedstocleartheattic said:

Thanks for your POV.
Do the following clarifications change your steer at all?
* Our wills allow me to stay on in the inherited house until I die, if my husband predeceases me.
* My husband lived in my house, before we got hitched, for years and paid me a modest rent which I used to pay off my mortgage faster. Any renovations, upgrades, maintenance were my financial responsibility.
* The queries around controlling and coercive behaviour? You're barking up the wrong tree. Everything we do is 50/50: work, parenting, etc. Moving into this inherited house is the first time that equitableness will no longer reign - hence my reaching out for fresh ideas and wisdom.
I am striving for fairness. I don't want to be a freeloader. But I also don't want to be a mug either.
My husband has no expectation for me to contribute to the renovation costs but realistically, it needs a shedload doing and I don't want to live in a time warp house for two decades while he does it bit by bit as he can afford it.

I took the time to read a post you made back in 2022 concerning a BTL property you owned and plans you had to acquire another with your husband. That certainly did not give me the impression of a victim of 'financial abuse' which is the impression many have jumped to.

You strike me as a quite independent minded person, with a business like approach to life and indeed your marriage. It is not a viewpoint many will understand or share, so the question you raise here is not something many will relate to without  feeling impelled to cast you in the role as 'victim'.

Best thrash this out between you and your husband without the input of others. Presumeably you got this far in your unusually pragmatic marriage without seeking the counsel of others?

HedgehogRulez

Surely being married all finances and assets are just pooled together and you share everything between you? Why would you be paying your partner rent? It’s “our” house.

Emmia

HedgehogRulez said:

Surely being married all finances and assets are just pooled together and you share everything between you? Why would you be paying your partner rent? It’s “our” house.

Not everyone has joint accounts only, fully pooled income/assets.  I don't, and my husband and I don't want this approach.

We do however share our home financially (joint mortgage) and expenses (e.g. maintenance) relating to that.

If we divorced, then all sole savings, pensions and property goes into the pot for division.

Spendless

oneneedstocleartheattic said:

Thanks for your POV.
Do the following clarifications change your steer at all?
* Our wills allow me to stay on in the inherited house until I die, if my husband predeceases me.
* My husband lived in my house, before we got hitched, for years and paid me a modest rent which I used to pay off my mortgage faster. Any renovations, upgrades, maintenance were my financial responsibility.
* The queries around controlling and coercive behaviour? You're barking up the wrong tree. Everything we do is 50/50: work, parenting, etc. Moving into this inherited house is the first time that equitableness will no longer reign - hence my reaching out for fresh ideas and wisdom.
I am striving for fairness. I don't want to be a freeloader. But I also don't want to be a mug either.
My husband has no expectation for me to contribute to the renovation costs but realistically, it needs a shedload doing and I don't want to live in a time warp house for two decades while he does it bit by bit as he can afford it.

Tbh no it doesnt. Your husband wants to live in 'his' inherited family house that even if he dies you dont get to inherit it, instead you can live there with all the potential problems this raises.

On a practical level his house cant realistically be renovated without financial input from you, that in turn would potentially give you a share in the house in the event of divorce even with pre/postnups.

Why do you have to live in this inherited house? Sell it, let husband put the proceeds in his name since he doesn't wish to share with you. Continue to live in a house that is owned by both of you. 

HedgehogRulez

Emmia said:

HedgehogRulez said:

Surely being married all finances and assets are just pooled together and you share everything between you? Why would you be paying your partner rent? It’s “our” house.

Not everyone has joint accounts only, fully pooled income/assets.  I don't, and my husband and I don't want this approach.

We do however share our home financially (joint mortgage) and expenses (e.g. maintenance) relating to that.

If we divorced, then all sole savings, pensions and property goes into the pot for division.

We don’t have joint accounts either. doesn’t mean that we consider our individual accounts to be off limits from each other!

Emmia

HedgehogRulez said:

Emmia said:

HedgehogRulez said:

Surely being married all finances and assets are just pooled together and you share everything between you? Why would you be paying your partner rent? It’s “our” house.

Not everyone has joint accounts only, fully pooled income/assets.  I don't, and my husband and I don't want this approach.

We do however share our home financially (joint mortgage) and expenses (e.g. maintenance) relating to that.

If we divorced, then all sole savings, pensions and property goes into the pot for division.

We don’t have joint accounts either. doesn’t mean that we consider our individual accounts to be off limits from each other!

My sole accounts are mine, my husband does not know the log in details, how much is in there and definitely doesn't get to "dip in". My husband's sole accounts are his, I don't know how much is in there, I don't have log in details and I don't get to "dip in".

Our joint accounts are shared, but we wouldn't spend off them without informing /agreeing with the other holder.

In the event of divorce we'll both need to be transparent... That doesn't mean full disclosure now.

Spendless

Some accounts cant be in joint names such as ISAs. We have various different accounts both individual and joint. Though neither knows the others  log in details, there's transparency over how much is in though neither has a regular debriefing session over it. Its more we have x big ticket expenditure coming up, where shall we take the money from (more likely to be decided due to less/more favourable interest rates than whose name its under) 

Its all 'our' money regardless of source or whose name its under. 

oneneedstocleartheattic

I took the time to read a post you made back in 2022 concerning a BTL property you owned and plans you had to acquire another with your husband. That certainly did not give me the impression of a victim of 'financial abuse' which is the impression many have jumped to.

You strike me as a quite independent minded person, with a business like approach to life and indeed your marriage. It is not a viewpoint many will understand or share, so the question you raise here is not something many will relate to without  feeling impelled to cast you in the role as 'victim'.

Best thrash this out between you and your husband without the input of others. Presumeably you got this far in your unusually pragmatic marriage without seeking the counsel of others?

This is the post that had most resonance with me. You're absolutely right. I'm a pragmatist. The stakes are high with this one which is why I'm interested in alternative POV. Lots of food for thought here thanks for all your replies.

Stateofart

ian1246 said:

I actually disagree with the previous posters.

Pre-Nuptials have a legal basis in the UK, provided that both parties have approached them in an open and honest manner and both parties have had independent legal advice..... 

AND THEN

...A court doesn't have to follow pre-nuptials, so they are not 100% legally binding

This made me laugh...great advice...and no, pre-nups don't really work in the UK