Daughter finishing primary - very emotional

MrBrindle

Haven't posted in a while, but need somewhere to talk about this. I developed a very emotional side to me after losing my dad and his brother in a sort of traumatic way 4 years ago - I don't think I've completely recovered from the grief / shock.

I'm a father to two girls, with my eldest finishing Primary school tomorrow, and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. It's hard to admit this, but I've been VERY emotional since their leaving assembly on Tuesday. Getting teary at times during the day, especially if I talk to colleagues in work or family about it. I was a blubbering mess looking at photos of her first day in Primary last night - self inflicted I know. 

I think part of the emotion is the worry I have of her going up. She's always been a sensitive and shy child throughout Primary, and I'm getting worried about her starting Secondary. How will she cope etc.

We actually went to buy some uniform this week as they apparently sell out fast, and she was getting upset trying the uniform on - saying she didn't want to leave Primary.

I spoke to a few other dads at the leavers assembly and some didn't seem bothered at all, saying they were really excited and happy for them. So why do I find so incredibly sad?

Btw, I haven't let her see me upset or mention it in a negative way. I've tried to be encouraging about it, saying it will be a chance to make new friends and get new experiences etc.

Oh dear, life eh.

strawb_shortcake

I think emotions during parenting hit you unexpectedly, parents especially Dads probably don't talk about how they feel during these different milestones.

It's always my eldest that makes me emotional, by the time the others get to that point I've experienced it already and all it seems to work out so no point getting emotional for a 2nd/3rd time. Though I'm not convinced it'll be so easy to brush off when the baby moves out - two have already flown the nest and so far have no intention of moving home

kimwp

Hiya! 

I think it's ok to be a blubbery mess, emotions, love, worry for loved ones- it's all part of life and we all feel to greater or lesser depths.

If it's becoming too much, in case it's useful, I was told that sometimes crying can be a way of avoiding emotions, bizarre to think really. Have you tried sitting by yourself and allowing yourself to feel sad, feel grief, feel anxiety? I was advised to do it while sitting upright, shoulders back but relaxed and making sure your breathing is deep and steady, sending the signal to your body that you aren't scared of the emotions. Then, just lean into your emotions one at a time. Take your time, it's more difficult than it sounds. There's a difference between this and ruminating on sad thoughts, but you have to find your balance between processing and dwelling.

Might be worth talking to a therapist about your losses - the more emotionally grounded you are, the more able you will be to provide emotional support for your daughter.

You sound like a good dad.

Brie

Round our way there are a number of men's groups where they get together to talk things through.  I guess there's a bit of "well United made a mess of that game the other day" and then it gets on to feelings and the rest.  It might be helpful to see if there's something like that wherever you live.  They usually have names like Men's Shed or Bears in the Woods - something a tad manly even if it's to get together for a mutual blubbing session.  

Good to hear that you are being open about it and realise that what you feel might effect your children.  Many men don't get that.

RAS

Check out Andy's Man Club. Probably more your age group.

Also recognise the transitions in life often trigger grief. You are losing that little girl and gaining a pre-teen. You are entitled to grieve for what has been for the 6-7 years. 

The other factor is that very strong emotions triggered by smaller events suggest there's something bigger not dealt with previously. 

kimwp has some very good ideas. Learning to sit with an emotion but not be overwhelmed by it can allow you to understand what triggered that response. 

gwynlas

I know you are trying not to but it sounds as though your daughter is catching on to your fears.

Moving through school. exams driving test college or university will all be a series of leaving things behind and moving forward. Each step should be a positive so please make a huge effort to make it sso for your children.

I heard of one young girl having a period party this week so any changes can be celebrated.

kimwp

gwynlas said:

I know you are trying not to but it sounds as though your daughter is catching on to your fears.

Moving through school. exams driving test college or university will all be a series of leaving things behind and moving forward. Each step should be a positive so please make a huge effort to make it sso for your children.

I heard of one young girl having a period party this week so any changes can be celebrated.

Changes can have sadness associated too.

rach_k

I find that secondary schools are brilliant at managing the transition from primary nowadays so remind yourself and your daughter that everything will be ok.  There might be a few awkward moments but they'll soon be over and she'll probably laugh at them in a year when she sees new Y6s coming up.  School staff are there to help, too.  You can always email her tutor with any questions or worries, but I doubt you'll need to.  Both of my children are quiet, anxious types but schools are very good at managing that kind of thing now.

I do struggle with my children growing up sometimes.  They're thinking about exams when I still want them to be reaching for my hand to cross the road!  I think, for me, a lot of the sadness comes from the feeling that things are ending, but there are also so many new things you get to watch them do or do with them.  It may be the end of your daughter being a little child, but it's not the end of you being her dad.  I loved being parent to small children, but I am currently watching mine grow into young adults who I really like as people separate from me, and seeing them make choices about their futures.  It's exciting!  It's okay to feel sad but there's also a lot to look forward to.  

ButterCheese

I felt the same when my son left primary.  The pride you feel as a parent can be overwheling, but it's also fear (of "are they going to be happy at big school").  Secondary schools these days are generally a lot better than when we went in the 80s/90s.  Lots of support available for students with neurodiversity or just shyness.  

I think a big part of it for me was almost like a feeling of mourning.  You've lost your little child because they are rapidly growing up and turning into a teenager.  

As said above, it's not all bad, it is sometimes the best thing that can happen to some kids as the pool of potential friends is a lot bigger at a bigger school.  It just sounds like you are a caring Dad so don't feel bad about getting emotional.  It is not a weakness.

For what it's worth, I still get teary sometimes when I think about my son (nearly 13) - he's growing into a 16 year old already and I do miss changing his babygrow

MrBrindle

Thank you for the replies and advice.

I have had a look and the nearest Andy's Man Club is 50 miles away, but I think our local Mind branch has a men's group, so need to look into that. I will also try the idea of sitting with my emotions. The thought that crying can be a way of avoiding emotions is interesting, I always thought it was good for the soul to have a good cry - which I have done this week!

I will also say I've been in therapy for 2 months - counselling / CBT, although I haven't had a session now for 3 weeks. As well as the grief I feel at times, I have been an executor on my dad's and uncle's wills, where after 4 years, the solicitor still hasn't finished probate (it's been driving me mad - he's been completely frustrating). Then I've been dealing with selling my uncle's house, which is compounded because of probate. Finally there's their business which I've also been helping out with and winding down. It's been a stressful few years to say the least. But anyway, that's another matter.

The other factor is that very strong emotions triggered by smaller events suggest there's something bigger not dealt with previously. 

I think the above has probably something to do with how sad I'm feeling, as well as mourning the last 7/8 years of her life in Primary.

I know you are trying not to but it sounds as though your daughter is catching on to your fears.

I'd like to think not, but there's always a possibility. She's mentioned to my partner a while ago that she is nervous of secondary school, but this hasn't hit me until this week.

I know I should/could view the move to secondary as a positive step, but I'm just struggling to see it like that.

Not sure what I think of a 'period party' though, each to their own suppose!

RAS

MrBrindle said:

Not sure what I think of a 'period party' though, each to their own suppose!

Talk to your wife. Doesn't have to be a full blown loads of invites job, even a special meal is good. Knowing that the male members of your family understand the situation and aren't embarrassed by it makes such a difference.  

Most of us have accidents, we may need longer in the bathroom or to ask someone to pick up supplies. Knowing we can explain, ask and get support makes a huge difference. And makes for more confidence dealing with some of the brats at school.