Divorced but partner with child wont sell house

itsatoughone123

RAS said:

You really are setting yourself up for a financial mess, particularly if you have the larger pension, and as the non- resident parent more capacity for earning. The longer you leave the financial settlement, the more your ex can claim.

It would have been much better to have been clear with your ex from day one than set up unrealistic expectations. In divorce, both parties usually end up worse off than if they remained married.

So your ex is unrealistic in assuming she can expect you to pay the mortgage and maintenance long term.  And you are unrealistic expecting to only allow her half the equity. Or to expect her to actually move in with the new BF, or for that to immediately trigger a change in her financial capacity as it could fail within months or a couple of years.

Since your child will be in full-time school soon, that may be the time when you look to start making changes? 

Going forward there is also nothing to stop you paying more than the CMS if you wish, but no obligation.

So what are your incomes and potential for obtaining a mortgage? How do those figures compare with local house prices? What are your pensions worth? Any other assets? 

I have a small pension of around 30k, i cannot get a mortgage without selling the property. A little in savings but only around 10k. But i also have credit card debt because of all this. I offered her more than 50% of the property settlement which would give her significantly more than me but it was just dismissed.

Tracet74

She's guilting you - plain and simple. For me, my ex guilted me 15 YEARS after separation, despite knowing he was only entitled to 50% of the equity. We also had a young child involved when we split but no money was paid between the two as we didn't get good legal advice at the right time.

itsatoughone123

Tracet74 said:

She's guilting you - plain and simple. For me, my ex guilted me 15 YEARS after separation, despite knowing he was only entitled to 50% of the equity. We also had a young child involved when we split but no money was paid between the two as we didn't get good legal advice at the right time.

I think you are probably right. Trouble is all my life i've been "the good guy" and a bit of a yes man and a push over. Everyone ive spoken to including mutual people have said i need to strap on a pair and just put a line in the sand.

Hoenir

Tracet74 said:

She's guilting you - plain and simple. 

Called relationship breakdown. I spent a fortune on an excellent family lawyer. Achieved nothing ultimately. 

itsatoughone123

Hoenir said:

Tracet74 said:

She's guilting you - plain and simple. 

Called relationship breakdown. I spent a fortune on an excellent family lawyer. Achieved nothing ultimately. 

Achieved nothing? What would you recommend? I dont mind losing a large share of the equity, I just want closure so i can move on and have enough to move on.

RAS

itsatoughone123 said:

RAS said:

You really are setting yourself up for a financial mess, particularly if you have the larger pension, and as the non- resident parent more capacity for earning. The longer you leave the financial settlement, the more your ex can claim.

It would have been much better to have been clear with your ex from day one than set up unrealistic expectations. In divorce, both parties usually end up worse off than if they remained married.

So your ex is unrealistic in assuming she can expect you to pay the mortgage and maintenance long term.  And you are unrealistic expecting to only allow her half the equity. Or to expect her to actually move in with the new BF, or for that to immediately trigger a change in her financial capacity as it could fail within months or a couple of years.

Since your child will be in full-time school soon, that may be the time when you look to start making changes? 

Going forward there is also nothing to stop you paying more than the CMS if you wish, but no obligation.

So what are your incomes and potential for obtaining a mortgage? How do those figures compare with local house prices? What are your pensions worth? Any other assets? 

I have a small pension of around 30k, i cannot get a mortgage without selling the property. A little in savings but only around 10k. But i also have credit card debt because of all this. I offered her more than 50% of the property settlement which would give her significantly more than me but it was just dismissed.

So have you worked out what she could afford? And whether such properties are available locally? 

You've set unrealistic expectations, so she's going to be shocked by recent conversations. And now the stark reality is that you are looking to buy with your new partner and she's going to have to sell up for something a lot smaller or revert to insecure rentals, with much lower income potential. 

For your child's sake, it's going to be worth a year letting reality sink in and giving her time to find a solution. 

But I'd suggest that if she's working part-time, can claim benefits and receives maintenance she should be using that maintenance towards the mortgage reducing your shorter-term liability and hopefully helping you clear the debts. 

Section62

itsatoughone123 said:

Tracet74 said:

She's guilting you - plain and simple. For me, my ex guilted me 15 YEARS after separation, despite knowing he was only entitled to 50% of the equity. We also had a young child involved when we split but no money was paid between the two as we didn't get good legal advice at the right time.

I think you are probably right. Trouble is all my life i've been "the good guy" and a bit of a yes man and a push over. Everyone ive spoken to including mutual people have said i need to strap on a pair and just put a line in the sand.

Be careful of acting on advice from friends, family and people on the internet.  People tend to take sides, and often give advice based on what they think sounds right or 'fair', not necessarily reflecting how things could turn out.

How many of those advising you to 'strap on a pair' have any idea of how much you could rack up on legal costs, and still be no further forward?  Do they understand judges prioritise the child(ren) over being fair or equal to both adults?  The one thing you can be sure of is the 'winners' here will be the solicitors.

Also think carefully how you will fund your legal costs - especially if you've got debts already.  Often the one who wins in a legal dispute is the one who avoids running out of money first.

With a few exceptions the court will expect you to try some form of ADR (e.g. mediation) first - so see what your solicitor says about your ex's initial response to that idea.

itsatoughone123

She could buy a shared ownership house, there's plenty around here.

Hoenir

itsatoughone123 said:

Hoenir said:

Tracet74 said:

She's guilting you - plain and simple. 

Called relationship breakdown. I spent a fortune on an excellent family lawyer. Achieved nothing ultimately. 

Achieved nothing? What would you recommend? I dont mind losing a large share of the equity, I just want closure so i can move on and have enough to move on.

My ex declined to complete a Form E voluntarily.  I decided that my mental health was more important than money. Was affecting my job performance etc. Reset and effectively rebuilt my entire life from ground zero by moving away to start afresh. Looking back I've no regrets. 

WIAWSNB

One step at a time. First, as said before, is mediation. https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/

If she fails to agree to this, it should count against her. If she does agree to it, then your more-than-equitable position will - again - count against her if she remains unreasonable in front of a mediator. (But have clear in your head what level of financial split is acceptable to you (and your new partner); don't get swayed too far during the process!)

Let's hope the next step isn't required. 

You have to look through the tears. You have both moved on, you both have partners (regardless of whether he's moved in with her), and you are focused on keeping things amicable, mainly for the sake of your daughter, but for all reasons of civility; you hold a good set of mediating cards.

You need to start this process going. Mediation can be very effective.