My brother has received money from my confused mother without going via the lpa

JacCritter

My mother is 82 and was diagnosed with Parkinson's about 8 years ago. 2 years ago she set up lpa's with me and my brother, redrafted her will, and, I discovered yesterday, released £40k income bond. I have never asked too much about any of this because she gets very snappy if I ask her about money, despite my being an accountant. Some of the symptoms of her Parkinson's are cognitive decline, argumentativeness and verbal aggression. I used to be very close to my mother but over the last 2 years she isn't recognisable as someone who I can rely on to be on my side and to offer me love and support. I know I should just suck it up and acknowledge that it's her illness but it cuts very deep.
My brother has never particularly been a friend of honesty and has spent most of his life remortgaging his house to pay off his credit card bills, until he got to the point that the mortgage people wouldn't extend the payback term further than 75 years of age. I resisted the idea of her having an lpa with both my brother and I for a very long time, because I simply don't trust my brother, but then mom ended up in a&e as a result of low blood pressure when I was with her, and she decided to get her affairs in order with a few nancial advisor who I checked out for her.

Last week she had another Parkinson's related a&e admission, and as a result was given home care visitors for free for 6 weeks, which, if it is determined that she needs them permanently will need a financial assessment. Every time I ask mum about this she becomes evasive and yesterday accused me of giving her the Spanish inquisition. She did reveal that she has about £23k, and doesn't have the income bond any more. So from what I can gather she's spent £17k in 2 years. She's bought an adjustable bed, a recliner, had a new shower, had the garage door repaired, a new carpet and some new foam in the cushions on her sofa. I cannot make this expenditure come to any more than £6k however I try. She also sold her car so the proceeds of that have been swallowed up. Which means £12k+ has gone missing. Or maybe not, given my my mum won't talk to me about it.

Last year my brother's daughter got married and he gave her money towards the wedding, as well as booking a suite at the venue.
This married neice sat in when the home care people came round and talked to my mother about funding the home care after the first 6 weeks. When I asked my mum about the income bond she said that it's life assurance and "the man said" (the man who advised on her will and lpa? The man who advised about the home care funding? When I asked my head got bitten off) it won't count towards your assets, when you are assessed for funding of ongoing care. I wasn't happy with this answer so asked my married niece as she was also there. I then received a heated message from my brother about my upsetting my neice by asking questions she knew nothing about. Shortly after this I received a message from my mother telling me that my unmarried niece had contacted her and said I was bombarding frail married niece with questions. What a cow I am.
I was surprised by my brother's generosity re the wedding as I know he never has any money, despite liking to play the big man. In addition, my other niece is a single parent on universal credit and a low paid job who is also continually running out of money.
If I ask my mother where the money's gone, I'll once again be the evil inquisitioner. I don't think  the lpa has been activated and if course it's entirely up to my mother what she does with her money. But she has always gone on about being fair to both her children yet it looks like she's given up to £12k to my brother and his family and this will probably go on until he's squeezed every penny out of her. Mom keeps going on about how we are both executors of the will but I don't know if she realises how difficult it jointly executing is going to be if she dies and I discover he's been persuading her to give him money, all the time keeping me in the dark.
I don't know what I can do about this. I can't activate the lPA and look at her bank accounts until she asks me to, although I suspect my brother has already activated his so knows exactly how much she has. I think he's fleecing his mother and his sister but how can I stop him?
Or should I just take myself out of a very very upsetting and stressful situation, cut off all contact with all of them and accept that he'll probably have mortgaged her house and spent any inheritance I may ever receive by the time she dies. Unfortunately this isn't just about the money. I was gaslighted at work and received a settlement but since then have been frugally living off the settlement and trying to push down the feelings of PTSD I get whenever I think about applying for another job. It feels like my family is gaslighting me now which is very triggering. I haven't had a good night's sleep for days with all the lies and deceit from people you expect to care for you.

elsien

This all comes down to your mother’s capacity at this moment with regards to her financial affairs.
You can activate the LPA without her consent if she now does not have capacity around the larger aspects of her finances. And if she does have capacity, then your brother should not be accessing her account without her consent, although she may well have given that consent. It is going to be hard to know in this circumstances.

Is there a social worker involved at all?

JacCritter

I think her capacity is absent at least some of the time but she was asked in a&e last week to name the months from December to January in reverse order and did so no-ones going to say she has dementia. She has deliberately avoided any care, preferring to "keep under the radar", to the extent that a nurse I spoke to last week didn't know she had Parkinson's. At the moment I just don't want to do anything that will cause a row. 

elsien

Capacity is time and decision specific. Her ability to manage her money has nothing to do with being able to count backwards or know the months of the year. 

As things stand, the actions you could take, such as reporting a safeguarding or asking the OPG to investigate, are going to cause ructions within the family.

So you need to ask yourself, do you think your brother is taking advantage of someone who genuinely doesn’t understand, or is it that your mother has changed how she is doing things in the full knowledge of what she is doing? 

JacCritter

So who decides if she has financial capacity?

elsien

That’s why I asked if there was a social worker involved?
if she has care needs, and the health funding is short term but the care needs to carry on after that, then unless she is going to be fully self funding, she should have a care assessment and sometimes issues are picked up then. 

Or if someone makes a safeguarding referral to the local authority, though that may be a route you don’t want to go down at the moment.

 Otherwise, a GP or the health professional, potentially, Although they can be quite reluctant to getting involved in the financial side of things. 

It is a really difficult situation for you to be in, and it can drag on for a long time with very little resolution. So you do need to think about what you do to protect yourself as well. I suppose it might come down to what’s going make you feel worse, trying to do something or walking away, giving that there may not be a best option just a least worst one. 

JacCritter

No social worker and as I say she's keeping under the radar of her GP. She chose to see her neurologist privately for the Parkinson's and the GP therefore just administers the standard annual health check. Because her consultations with the neurologist are private there isn't an NHS record of them, although he writes to the GP with his reports of the 6 months reviews.

JacCritter

Apparently given that she can wash herself after her pills have kicked in, although not lift her legs up onto the bed, they're seeming to imply that she doesn't need home care
 But it's early days. I don't think the assessment will pick it up unless it goes back to when she cashed in her income bond. But they might not think £17k in 2 years, on top of her pension, is a lot.
I'm so exhausted even thinking about this and the idea that it could go on for years with my mother and my brothers family just giving me abuse and lies is a horrific idea.

soulsaver

I've had similar experience with relative with Alzheimer's.

The OPG are very helpful. You don't need to share names if you don't want to, and they won't pressure you. Worth a discussion?

Also worth seeking out support/advice from Parkinsons charity? 

Have you got LPOA Health & Welfare? 

JacCritter

I am going to call Parkinson's UK tomorrow about the problems I am having communicating with my mother in the face of continual criticism and accusations. My brother and I both have the health and welfare lpoa, not activated. My mother hasn't asked me to activate it and I don't know about my brother. 
I will call the guardians office if I can. I assumed it was all done via the website and fact sheets these days but perhaps not.
Thanks for your suggestions.

elsien

Unlike the finance LPA, the health and welfare LPA can only be used once the person has lost capacity around those decisions anyway, so couldn't be used until then.  

If you are calling the OPG just be aware that you might be in for a long wait because they are quite overstretched at the moment.