Mother's care

Pollycat

Cus said:

Imo the average person out there will likely automatically think how they can hold onto family money/inheritance/house sale etc and hope/expect that someone should pay for family care. I don't think that in itself is wrong or selfish.  However the rules are clear. People on this forum generally do see it as some devious selfish behaviour and jump to their own positions on the subject, including jokey comments.

Because it is.

Unselfish people - who aren't bothered about inheriting money - will want their parents to have the best care they can afford.

fuzzzzy

Often it is the parents themselves who don't want to see their savings go on their care and want to see it passed onto family.

Pollycat

fuzzzzy said:

Often it is the parents themselves who don't want to see their savings go on their care and want to see it passed onto family.

And often it is the people who would inherit who don't want to see their inheritance used to pay care home fees.

It is as it is. Whether you like it or not.
Currently, those who have the money to pay, do pay for their care.

Trying to get out of paying for care - regardless of who wants to avoid paying - is Deprivation of Capital.

Spendless

When my Mum (who had POA)  sold my Nan's property to pay for her residential care, she had 3 valuations done. Mum then said someone (I dont know who) then put their own report in to the LA about how much the property was worth. If this happens everywhere or still (this would be 10 years ago) Im guessing you cant 'just' buy relatives house for a song, otherwise plenty would try. 

german_keeper

I do genuinely apologise if my light hearted comment has upset anyone. My mum has Alzheimers, probably as severe as it can be. She can be violent and aggressive, is unable to do anything for herself, and as an example she is now only having 1 shower a week because it takes 3 members of staff and she knocks seven bells out of them whilst they are trying to give her a shower.

So the way we deal with it is through humour, I suppose it's the old saying if you don't laugh you will cry. But I really am genuinely sorry if anyone doesn't think it is appropriate, particularly those who are going through this themselves. 

Cobbler_tone

Cus said:

Imo the average person out there will likely automatically think how they can hold onto family money/inheritance/house sale etc and hope/expect that someone should pay for family care. I don't think that in itself is wrong or selfish.  However the rules are clear. People on this forum generally do see it as some devious selfish behaviour and jump to their own positions on the subject, including jokey comments.

I’d also think the average person has no idea of their parents financial position or what they have in place….or maybe it is just me. I broached the topic once about thinking about a power of attorney once but there won’t be anything in place. We never talk about that ‘stuff’. I know they have a will and what is there goes to the kids. The complications coming when they are no longer here and their estate needing to be sorted out, so I guess you could say that is selfish if you are entering it totally blind. I’d call it frustrating as there will be enough emotional turmoil to deal with, without searching for their red box and trying to work out their affairs. 
My plan is to give the kids money at a young age (no guarantees how long I’ll be here though!), I don’t need any inheritance so they can share that. I’ll leave myself enough to do what I want and need, with anything left being a bonus. I’ve paid for a direct cremation and they can have me back through the letterbox. What a cheerful topic!

DT2001

I had a joint LPA for my mother and she went into care. We sold her flat and our priority was to sell quickly (to avoid ongoing costs as it was a warden assisted property) and for as much as possible as we didn’t know for how long she would need care. 18 months of care in a good home which she liked was worth every penny of her money. Inheritance can be very emotive and as someone else mentioned quite often the donor wishes to leave as much as possible which exacerbates the situation. As a trustee you are liable to do the best for the person/s who have given you the responsibility.

Cobbler_tone
An interesting point re knowledge of parents affairs. OH and I knew nothing whilst both parents alive but became involved as soon as the ‘financially involved’ one died. We are involving our children (mainly in their 20’s) in our affairs - getting through the first conversations was challenging from the point of view that discussing money is not how we were brought up. I see it as part of their education to show them how we have ended up with the wealth we have and the mistakes we made along the way.

Cobbler_tone

DT2001 said:

I had a joint LPA for my mother and she went into care. We sold her flat and our priority was to sell quickly (to avoid ongoing costs as it was a warden assisted property) and for as much as possible as we didn’t know for how long she would need care. 18 months of care in a good home which she liked was worth every penny of her money. Inheritance can be very emotive and as someone else mentioned quite often the donor wishes to leave as much as possible which exacerbates the situation. As a trustee you are liable to do the best for the person/s who have given you the responsibility.

Cobbler_tone
An interesting point re knowledge of parents affairs. OH and I knew nothing whilst both parents alive but became involved as soon as the ‘financially involved’ one died. We are involving our children (mainly in their 20’s) in our affairs - getting through the first conversations was challenging from the point of view that discussing money is not how we were brought up. I see it as part of their education to show them how we have ended up with the wealth we have and the mistakes we made along the way.

I think exactly the same will happen with me. Once I sadly lose a parent, the other will be more open to help and sorting out their affairs to make things easier going forwards. You’re right, it’s a generational thing.

MallyGirl

It is tough - I am going through this minefield right now. Mother has Alzheimers and it seems to be accelerating. Step father has started being more open about the finances as he is not tech savvy and she used to do all of the banking/bills etc. Us 'kids' have both LPAs for both of them thankfully - I suspect it won't be long till we have to start using hers as she is already missing invoice payments and deadlines for things. Time no longer has meaning for her.
They only have DB pensions so those will cease when they pass but the house and investments will mean that there is IHT to be dealt with.
I have suggested an activity for them - to walk around their house full of lovely things and make a video in each room to explain where they bought it all, what the stories behind things are and which ones are family heirlooms that need to go to the right kids. It gives them a chance to reminisce as she can still remember the past and it means we will have some idea of what to be careful of when the time comes to sort it all out.
He is older and less physically well but still has full mental capacity. It is likely that she will have to go into care as it will become too much for him.

LHW99

Nothing to do with the OP's question, but if your parents both have DB's @MallyGirl won't the survivor be due a spouse pension from the one who unfortunately passes first (rather than it ceasing)?