Mum struggling with upcoming retirement and depression

Bishi

Hi all,

I’m worried about my mum. She is 64 and seems (to me) to be struggling with depression. She is due to retire this year and seems increasingly demotivated in life. I think some of her lack of motivation stems from uncertainty around retirement and the change it will bring to her routine, but some of it seems bigger than that. She no longer has the desire to do hobbies that she used to enjoy, such as gardening and going to art galleries. She does have some chronic health issues  but she has had these for a long time and has previously always maintained a sunny, optimistic outlook and found pleasure in life. She now seems to find an excuse or reason to not do things.

I believe that both her and my dad, who is recently retired, are struggling to find things that they have in common and are finding out how different their personalities are. However, for various (mostly financial) reasons I do no think that divorce is an option for them (if they even wanted it). I guess I’m just wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation with loved ones and if they found a way to help them?

I’ve tried suggesting that mum goes to the doctor’s to discuss depression but she seems to think that it something that could only affect other people. I’ve suggested taking up new hobbies or joining a group in their town, but she’s never been very sociable and doesn’t seem to have any interest in trying anything new. I live about 5 hours drive away so unfortunately I can’t suggest that we try new things together as I’m not there on a regular basis. Does anybody have any ideas? 64 seems much too young to give up on life. Many thanks

freesha

Does she have to retire?

Sapindus

What sort of job did she work at?  Could she take up volunteering in a similar field?

kimwp

There's a lot of stigma around and poor understanding of depression. As you correctly understand, it doesn't have to mean crying all the time, it can mean loss of interest in things. Does she know that that is the case? Would she be willing to talk to the doctor about how she is feeling, even if not to say "I think I'm depressed".

It's a big life change, would she be interested in volunteering if she doesn't want to continue working. Helping in a shop or volunteering with kids in a school are good ones for maintaining connections with the outside world and having bit of a routine.

Silvertabby

Retiring at 65 but finances appear to be an issue...hate to add to her possible depression, but does she know that her State pension age is 66?   

Jude57

Bishi said:

Hi all,

I’m worried about my mum. She is 64 and seems (to me) to be struggling with depression. She is due to retire this year and seems increasingly demotivated in life. I think some of her lack of motivation stems from uncertainty around retirement and the change it will bring to her routine, but some of it seems bigger than that. She no longer has the desire to do hobbies that she used to enjoy, such as gardening and going to art galleries. She does have some chronic health issues  but she has had these for a long time and has previously always maintained a sunny, optimistic outlook and found pleasure in life. She now seems to find an excuse or reason to not do things.

I believe that both her and my dad, who is recently retired, are struggling to find things that they have in common and are finding out how different their personalities are. However, for various (mostly financial) reasons I do no think that divorce is an option for them (if they even wanted it). I guess I’m just wondering if anybody has been in a similar situation with loved ones and if they found a way to help them?

I’ve tried suggesting that mum goes to the doctor’s to discuss depression but she seems to think that it something that could only affect other people. I’ve suggested taking up new hobbies or joining a group in their town, but she’s never been very sociable and doesn’t seem to have any interest in trying anything new. I live about 5 hours drive away so unfortunately I can’t suggest that we try new things together as I’m not there on a regular basis. Does anybody have any ideas? 64 seems much too young to give up on life. Many thanks

Sometimes when people have chronic health conditions they, and all too often their doctors, simply stop looking for other physical issues that could be causing problems. There are several physical conditions that could be affecting your mother's mood and simple blood tests could identify them, hopefully leading to effective treatment.

For me, my energy simply dropped off a cliff despite no apparent physical cause. It was a random conversation with a colleague who had been a nurse that changed things for me. I was bemoaning my permanent state of exhaustion when she asked if I'd always lacked 'tails' to my eyebrows (the but at the outer edge of the brow) or had I over-plucked them at some point? I'd noticed it for a while but thought it was just part of getting older. She urged me to visit my GP and get blood tests done, which I did. It turned out that I have an underactive thyroid and will need daily medication for life. I take a tiny pill with a low dose of Levothyroxine each day and, for me, it was like having new batteries installed. My mood improved and my energy levels went right back up. It was astonishing that something so simple could make such a difference. I should also say that my niece has the same condition and it's taken much longer to get her medication just right.

There's no doubt that retirement is a major change for someone who has always worked and for whom their self image is tied into being a busy, capable person but it can be such a positive stage of life. I'd agree with @Sapinduor that volunteering could be a possibility for your mum if there's something she's interested in. That could be related to her work or something else entirely, such as animals, local history, local theatre or cinema groups, many of which have a 'Friends of..' organisation that helps them raise funds and much more.

It's also possible that your mother is indeed looking at her marriage and thinking it's not what she wants. Now she's facing more time at home, she could be dreading it. A marriage doesn't have to be desperately unhappy to be an unattractive prospect. In my family, my lovely Pop (grandfather) decided at the age of 72 to leave my ghastly Nana because, retired from a long career which kept him out of the house a great deal, he couldn't face the prospect of being cooped up with her for whatever time he had left. He went to live with my aunt and my Nana never spoke of him again. It's my opinion that age shouldn't be a barrier to leaving a marriage that is unhappy and it's possible that your mum could manage reasonably well financially as a single person. She could, perhaps, rent a home from a Housing Association which specifically offers homes for the over 60's. She wouldn't need a deposit and would have security of tenure plus repairs and maintenance all taken care of, as well as such HA's offering on site support when needed. There's a shorter waiting list for such properties for obvious reasons and it's possible she could even move to a different part of the country if she wanted to. Search for 'over 60s housing to rent [location]' to see what's available. As a single person, there are various benefits she might qualify for including Local Housing Allowance, Council Tax reduction, Pension Credit (once she's at State Pension age) and more. There are several benefit calculators online where she could get an idea of what she could claim.

Ultimately, you can't force your mother to do anything but perhaps you could encourage her. I'd suggest going to visit or having her visit you and take her out for lunch, just the two of you. Over lunch you could tell her how worried you are that she seems to have lost her spark and you hate to see her so unhappy. Let her know that, whatever she needs, whatever she decides to do, you'll support her in any way you can. Peace of mind is the most important thing for any of us and your mum needs to know that that's what you want for her, whatever that looks like for her.

dreaming

Are you sure she actually is feeling the way you believe she is? Have you discussed it with her? The reason I ask is that when I was coming up to retirement just about everyone I knew kept asking me what I was going to do with myself, or suggesting hobbies, outings etc., when all I wanted to do, after many years of raising a family then working, was spend some time doing what I wanted to, when I wanted to do it. I did find some things that became regular hobbies after a while but initially I really enjoyed not having to get up and go to work at a particular time. I saw it as a time to just be rather than to do. Obviously you know your mother and I can see you care but maybe you could just try a watch and wait approach. She may find her own way of retirement living after a while, but you can keep any eye on her as well. Just keep communicating (without bombarding her with suggestions if possible) and try to be as upbeat as you can.

RAS

Does your mum's employer offer pre-retirement planning? Part finances etc, part social and psychological re-assessment.

And to add to what others said, my only plan for the first year was not to take on any new commitments.

sheramber

Has your mother agreed that impending retirement is troubling her?

BrilliantButScary

Have you spoken to your Dad about your concerns, about your Mum?  Is he in agreement that your Mum is presenting as being depressed? How often do you see your Mum? I'm sorry to say that mood changes can also be the early signs of dementia, so it is certainly worth encouraging her to consult her GP, particularly if your Dad also shares your concerns.

Bishi

Thanks so much for all of your comments and advice. 

@freesha She isn't being forced to retire but her workplace is having a big restructure and lots of her colleagues are either retiring or being made redundant in the coming months, so she has decided that now is a good time to go before she is made to do twice as much work for the same pay, and without the colleagues that she likes

@Sapindus she works in admin for the local council, and does some part time book-keeping for a private client which she will keep going after she retires. To be honest I'm not sure she's really passionate enough about her job to want to do it if not getting paid, but I will certainly ask her if she might consider using her skills in a voluntary capacity for a cause that she is more passionate about. 

@kimwp I think she does understand that depression presents in different ways, and she has admitted to me that she's been feeling down, but whilst she would be the first to tell somebody else to get help if they were struggling, when it comes to herself she is less kind and told me that she can't be depressed because she can snap out of it if she needs to. I have suggested talking to a doctor but she seems to think that would be self-indulgent when the NHS is under so much pressure, because she doesn't think her mood is serious enough to warrant medical advice. If her mood/interest levels don't improve then I will try and gently suggest it again but I'm wary of nagging her too much, and also aware that perhaps, a bit like addicts having to be ready to accept help, this might be the case with my mum

@Silvertabby Thanks very much for your concern but happily she is aware of that. She has a small amount of money that was left her in a Will, and she will use this to plug the gap until she starts receiving her state pension. She wants to retire now for the reasons outlined in my reply to freesha. My parents aren't struggling to get by (as far as I know) but they also don't have what would be described as a comfortable amount for retirement, as my dad has no private pension and they don't have large amounts of savings. They have paid their mortgage but it is just on a small two bed terrace in a not particularly nice area, so that is why I thought they might be reluctant to entertain the idea of separating (if that is something that they have individually thought about, which, as I said, I haven't actually discussed with either of them) as they presumably wouldn't be able to buy their own houses with the proceeds.  

@Jude57 Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and helpful response. I think that, as you described, my mum certainly has certainly had a lot of frustrations with her health and with the doctors. I know that she is currently being assessed for high cholesterol, so maybe I will suggest to her that she might mention her low energy levels and lack of interest in things to the doctor and see if they can do any further investigative work.

Your information about housing options for single people was also extremely interesting, and good to know about. I haven't really properly tried to get my mum to open up about her feelings towards my dad as, obviously, I'm a little bit scared about what I might hear. More than anything I wish that they would attend couples therapy as they are seemingly unable to communicate effectively with one another and instead wait until I am home when both of them individually take the opportunity to complain about the other one. However, my dad is a product of a very specific time and place (i.e. he's old and northern) and I can say with 99% certainty that he would not even entertain the idea of attending therapy. He is at heart a kind man but he's completely emotionally unavailable, very pessimistic and living with him must be very lonely for my mum. It's not hard to see why she might be feeling down at the prospect of only having him for company. They also have never had many friends, either as a couple or individually, and now they have no immediate family nearby they often don't see anybody else for weeks (or won't, once mum no longer has colleagues). I'm sure this is another way in which she might benefit from volunteering but at the moment it's a catch-22 given that her lack of interest in the world is making her indifferent to the things she used to enjoy, never mind trying new things.

When I next see my mum I will do as you suggest and take her out and try and get her to open up, whilst letting her know I want the best for her. Thanks again for your helpful words