Conflicting views around online dating

Exodi

tghe-retford said:

Exodi said:

I would accept that if you are average or below average on looks as a young male, you are likely to have a bad time.

Interesting and thought provoking post. What I have noted is that a lot of the "red pill rhetoric" is based behind the findings of evolutionary psychology. Concepts such as hypergamy (a.k.a. "women's experience dating up in turns of looks"), also known as the mating gap and assortative mating (where people match with a similar person) have come from that discipline.

The reason why I focused the quote on that last line is because these are the people who get forgotten. We base how we see things on the grounds of the winners - survivorship bias. But there are from commentary online, increasing numbers of people for whom are getting burnt out by dating and are quitting. Which went against the experience of what my work colleague was experiencing. I'd thought I would ask here as I'd avoid two typical sound-bytes that you get on the subject - either those jaded with dating and telling others not to engage in it or those who engage in never-ending positivity of finding a soul-mate when you least expect it.

I think irrespective of peoples experiences and views, online dating will only get more prevalent while social interaction reduces among younger people in this digital age. I expect many young people, particularly men, will take the view "I know it's crooked, but it's the only game in town".

I was actually thinking about this when I was single several years ago. Not only is approaching a woman at the gym not socially acceptable any more - it's stigmatized. In-person opportunities are extremely rare and reducing as everyone becomes increasingly introverted.

Unfortunately many take a romantic, movie-style take on the topic that love will find them, and that Mr/Mrs Right will just one day come knocking at their door. Pragmatically we know this will likely never happen, and those not seeking companionship are likely destined for a life of solitude.

chubsta said:

Unfortunately, I don't see many alternatives out there either - people don't socialise in the way they used to, where it was easy to meet new friends via old friends, and as others have said approaching someone at work in even the most respectful way can be a career-ender: one girl said to me that the difference between a 'creep' and a 'hottie' at work is usually their level in the management chain.

I agree with much of your post, but the common trope of whether something is acceptable (or creepy) or not is whether the person is good looking. I've attached the classic comic that comes to mind.

In a similar vane, the Tinder subreddit plays on this by stating the two rules of online dating are as follows:

1. Be attractive.
2. Don't be unattractive.

There has been countless experiments to show the attractiveness of a person plays an overwhelming role in interactions (despite people thinking that the right punchline or combination of word is what's important to land a date... it's not).

tghe-retford's point, I suspect the differences in opinions will driven by differences of experience, and these differences of experience are driven by differences in appearance.

Looks are all that matter now (apparently).

boname

tghe-retford said:

I had a discussion with a work colleague today on dating apps and he told me of a different viewpoint that normally perpetuates through the Internet and the media. This was mirrored by several other people.

There are two viewpoints I see.

The first one is where you see most men being largely ignored on the apps, women get swamped with messages from men, companies making losses as people leave the apps because of burnout and disappointment as well as the realisation that to make money, they have to keep as many people as they can single.

The second one is that dating apps have been a positive revelation, that they are perfectly designed for dating, the best thing that ever happened to dating, they've worked exceptionally well for both filtering out individuals and getting dates on the regular (and this is from someone who rates himself as average and humble) and a successful relationship.

Two completely conflicting viewpoints so I thought I would ask the people of MSE what their views were, considering the forum members on here are likely to be a cross section of people who will more likely have a balanced and nuanced opinion one way or the other if either of these viewpoints match up with their reality or expectations.

Thanks in advance.

I think this is a classic case of "it depends on your perspective."

On one side, it’s understandable why many men feel ignored on dating apps. Women often get overwhelmed with messages, and men can end up feeling invisible. When the algorithms tend to favor certain profiles, it makes the whole experience feel like a grind, which leads to burnout and frustration.

But on the other hand, dating apps have been a revelation for a lot of people. For those who don’t have time or a big social circle, apps offer a way to connect with others that simply wasn’t possible before. Even people who see themselves as "average" can find success and regular dates.

Ultimately, the way we see dating apps comes down to expectations. Some enter with high hopes and get disappointed, while others adapt and make the most of the opportunities. It’s all about mindset—use them for what they’re good at, and you’ll likely have a much better experience.

Exodi

boname said:
On one side, it’s understandable why many men feel ignored on dating apps. Women often get overwhelmed with messages, and men can end up feeling invisible. When the algorithms tend to favor certain profiles, it makes the whole experience feel like a grind, which leads to burnout and frustration.

Coupled with the reality that these apps are made by companies who are primarily driven by profits.

Imagine the executives had access to a 'perfect matching algorithm', which enables people to meet their perfect match very quickly. The problem with this is that it would translate to low time on the app and little incentive to spend.

Therein lies the great paradox - it is in the Match groups interests for people to remain single for as long as possible on their apps, continuing to be an active user and purchasing their addon services.