Here's to the Fools Who Dream

vampirotoothus

A lovely poem.

We are the ones we have been waiting for!

This resonates with me! V x

scrooge2008

Update as the 77 days come to a close on 31 May 2026.

To be honest, I feel as though I have been down one of those eddies I talked about rather than fully in the main river. It has felt like a repeat of several old lessons, almost as if life was asking, “Have you really learned this now?”

I would probably give myself about 6 or 7 out of 10, although at first I was thinking 5. The dental surgery floored me for about a month, and during the last two weeks, when I was still quite vulnerable, five difficult older-person/family situations arose. I did get sucked into all five to some extent.

However, there has been progress.

In the first situation, I learned from a previous mistake. Last time, my time and energy were taken with no real recompense. This time, I scoped the work clearly, asked for payment in advance, and delivered within the agreed timescale.

In the second situation, I did not scope it properly or ask for payment in advance. I trusted the people involved, and the reality is that I was played like a fiddle. One family member got exactly what she wanted at the expense of everyone else, and I got no thanks.

In the third situation, I gave one boundaried hour to scope the work with a family and quickly realised that I was unlikely to be paid, and that I was also in danger of being scapegoated. I got out of that one quickly, and I will not be involved with that particular older lady again. She is unbelievably toxic.

The fourth situation was more like the first. I had been stung before, so this time I took a large advance payment and agreed only to work through an intermediary. That is going surprisingly well.

In the 5th I did not get involved at all - I let the responsibility lie with the person who has never stepped up and so far they have …. miracles do happen.

So the lesson seems to be: compassion now has to pass through structure before it becomes action. Scope, payment, written boundaries, timescales, and ideally an intermediary. No more vague rescue work.

The body side is also important. During this whole period, I have maintained a weight loss of around five pounds, even though I am only now building back up to the level of fitness I had before the surgery. So although I did go into an eddy, I did not completely abandon my body there.

I am also in Greece now, on an island with my son as my friend was not able to come. I feel more chilled and embodied than I can ever remember. A lot of the time I am on my own, and I am not feeling lonely. I am feeling spacious. It feels like I am finally getting room to design the next chapter of my life.

Update on my son is that his company are not settling at the moment and appear to be lawyering up to fight him for as long as they can. However, he is actually handling it very well. He has legal representation and GMB support for free, so although it could be a long haul, it is not sitting entirely on us. It is teaching both of us to let the legal battle be a side issue while we continue to live positively in the meantime.

He has hired a car and is tootling about the island, and he is possibly falling for a Greek girl called Agape, which feels wonderfully symbolic.

DS has also taken over all the admin for the old business and is now acting as intermediary and gatekeeper between me and it. He is doing a good job. Because of that, I am actually freer than I have ever been.

Financially, I am not exactly where I hoped to be, but I am debt free. I have paid all my tax up until April 2027, so I am a year ahead. I have paid for an art retreat in September and a spiritual retreat in Orkney later in the year. My property maintenance fund also stands at £550.

So although this has not been a perfect 77 days, I can see that something has really shifted. The old patterns still tried to pull me in, especially when I was depleted, but I came back quicker. I protected my body more than I used to. I held more structure than I used to. I did not let my son’s legal case become the whole weather. And the old business is no longer my nervous system.

I will come back on the full moon and set the goals for the next 13 moons.

For now, I think the sentence is:

I am learning to let unresolved things remain unresolved while I build a life that is alive.

And perhaps the words from Tennyson’s Ulysses belong at the end of this threshold:

“The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
’Tis not too late to seek a newer world.”

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides…”

“To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.” xxx

scrooge2008

A World Without Ceiling

It is the eve of the full moon, and I am setting my intentions for the thirteen full moons ahead, carrying me through to 19th June 2027.

Over this cycle, I intend to release 33 pounds joyfully, mindfully, and with ease. Not through punishment, struggle, or harshness, but through eating well, moving my body each day, and living now as though I am already 166 pounds. I will look in the mirror every day and tell my body how beautiful she is — how strong, how stable, how faithful she has been. I will see the slimmer, stronger version of me emerging from the inside out, not as someone separate from me, but as the woman already living beneath the surface.

Here in Greece, while swimming in the turquoise sea, I had the strangest and most beautiful experience. The water was full of exquisite geometric patterns — gold, rainbow-coloured, alive with light. Beneath me, I saw a shadow. At first, I was startled because it looked like a large turtle swimming below me. I stayed with it, moving gently through the water, and gradually realised that the turtle shadow was me.

After that, I longed to see real turtles. They are not easy to spot, but yesterday, on a trip to a neighbouring island, I walked across a bridge and saw a tiny turtle. Then a huge one. Then another, and another. In total, I saw around seven turtles, all looking so at home in their own skins, so content with their own lives. I also saw huge crabs, ancient and strange and wonderful. This whole holiday has brought me into such a deep sense of being at one with nature, with the sea, and with all of life.

It feels as though my heart is opening, but in a new way. Not wide open and unguarded as before, but protected, boundaried, and calm. I bought myself a beautiful green pendant with a prehnite stone, which feels like calm heart energy — soft, steady, and quietly healing.

Over these thirteen moons, I also intend to build a business reserve fund of £12,000. Calm money. Structured money. Money that gives breathing space and stability.

My son is also dreaming of coming to live in Greece for three months in the spring, and we are beginning to create a vision board for that. This place really suits his temperament. He speaks fluent Greek, and the locals love him. I can feel that Greece may hold something good for him too — a rhythm, a language, a way of being that lets him breathe.

And as for my art and creativity — this has been the greatest joy of all. I went to a ceramics workshop and made a turtle with pink roses, a love heart, and a pink sun hat. The glaze was beautiful, reflecting the gorgeous colours of the sea. The artist told me it was really beautiful, original, and that I had talent.

I felt something land in me then.

I am an artist now.

When I return home, I am going to create a large turtle collage to capture the feeling of this place and this moment — the feeling that has been the true theme of this diary:

A world without ceiling.

And now, with all my university funding in place, I will be returning to university in September, travelling there on my OAP bus pass.

Hallelujah.

scrooge2008

Ithaka — after C. P. Cavafy

When you set out for Ithaka,
wish that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of discovery.

Do not fear the monsters of the old stories —
the Laistrygonians, the Cyclops,
or angry Poseidon.
You will not meet them on your way
unless you carry them inside your own soul,
unless your soul sets them in front of you.

Wish that the road is long.

May there be many summer mornings
when, with such pleasure and delight,
you enter harbours you have never seen before.

May you stop at Phoenician markets
and gather beautiful things:
mother-of-pearl, coral, amber, ebony,
and sensual perfumes of every kind —
as many fragrant treasures as you can.

May you visit many Egyptian cities
and learn, and learn again,
from those who know.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
To arrive there is your destiny.
But do not hurry the journey.

Better that it lasts for many years,
and that you are old when you reach the island,
rich with all you have gained along the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you wealthy.

Ithaka gave you the beautiful journey.
Without her, you would not have set out.

She has nothing more to give you now.

And if you find her poor,
Ithaka has not deceived you.

Wise as you have become,
with so much experience,
you will already have understood
what Ithakas mean.

I was looking over at Ithaka yesterday, from Kefalonia. This time next year I will take a boat to the island :)).

By then I will have honoured the reality that my Ithaka was not a place I reached.
It was the place where I acknowledge that I am already home.

Then I will begin a new odyssey xxxx.

Humdinger1

Wonderful @scrooge2008 , as ever. Poetry has so much to teach us. Love Humdinger xx

scrooge2008

Thanks, Humdinger. I read your diary and found it really inspiring — clearing such a huge amount of debt is amazing, well done! I was sorry that you stopped posting.

I also really liked your comments about magical thinking and learning to spot that tendency in others. Well, hello — here I am. :)))) I am a huge dreamer and optimist, and I have definitely lost my grounding on occasions.

At the same time, when I completely suppress that side of myself, I lose my sense of joy and wonder. So I think balance is the key for me: keeping the dreaming, but giving it roots. Thank you again for your support.

A World Without Ceiling: The Turtle Year Diary

Day 1 — Returning Home Inside My Own Weather

I returned home today.

DH was miserable, grey and angry — very much like the weather. I had prepared myself for this. I had imagined myself inside my turtle shell, carrying my own weather system, and for the first time I felt that this actually worked.

His reason, apparently, was that when he saw the pictures I was sending from holiday, they made him long for the past — when we were both young and sexy and had our whole lives stretching out in front of us. Now, in his story, we are old and achy and there is no joy left in life.

I did not argue with him.

What I noticed instead was astonishing: for the first time, his mood did not permeate my field. It was as if we could live together in two different stories. He is no longer the author of my life.

I think this may genuinely have been the best holiday I have ever had, because I felt so embodied, so free, and so completely inside my own life. I stayed well within budget too, and came home with £330.

Originally, I wanted to give that money to a very spiritual friend who gives out constantly to others and is in significant debt, so that she could spend it on herself. She replied beautifully to my email, but the subtext was clear: give it to yourself.

So I am going to.

I am going to start with my foundation — and my foundation is underwear.

I realise I have been squeezing into the same underwear for about five years, waiting for my body to shrink back into it. No more. I am going to get properly fitted and replace my whole underwear drawer.

When we were young, we were very into beautiful underwear from places like Agent Provocateur and Victoria’s Secret. I still have a whole case in the attic full of exquisite size 8/10 pieces, along with four-inch stilettos in every colour. They belonged to another chapter. A beautiful chapter, but not the one I am living now.

My underwear drawer now will still be beautiful, but it will also be sensible, comfortable, supportive, and made for the body I actually live in. Most of it will probably come from Marks & Spencer, with a little Bravissimo glamour where needed.

I am also going to buy myself a new bag, a new coat, a new pair of shoes, some new make-up, and a small bottle of Jo Malone Orange Blossom perfume — because that scent carries something of the Ionian feeling for me.

Then I am going through my whole wardrobe. Anything that does not fit me now, and anything I have not worn for a year, will either be sold or donated to charity.

The budget is £330.

The MoneySavingExpert-style challenge is to make that £330 back through a £10-a-day challenge — mainly by selling clothes and saving on the food budget.

This is not a makeover because I am ashamed.

This is a return.

I am no longer waiting to become smaller before I am allowed to be beautiful, comfortable, sensual, practical, or well-dressed.

This is the Year of the Turtle.

I came home inside my own shell.

And I am beginning with the foundation.

in_need_of_direction

in awe of your post, so inspiring

jokono

❤️

Agree, inspiring and very moving. I will start looking for my shell.

Dakota_Rose

Lovely to read such an uplifting few posts!

vampirotoothus

I'm loving your new attitude and have recently done the same with underwear. A$da do a great range too :) V x