Planning for retirement and relocation - lots of ducks to align (and not all are mine!)

jackieblack

I’ve spent too many sleepless nights going round in circles and not getting anywhere so I thought maybe if I wrote it down and were able to ‘chat it over’, things might become clearer.

I’m going to ramble a bit, but I need to ‘get it all out’ - I’ll be amazed if anyone makes it all the way to the end 😳

I’m mid/late 50s and have lost both my parents in the last year, 8 1/2 months apart. 

I’m exhausted from the last few years, firstly Covid (as a key worker I worked right through, in less than easy conditions, while also supporting parents who were shielding and critically extremely vulnerable) then supporting parents one of whom suffered multiple varied health crises resulting in numerous hospital visits and debilitating treatment, the other with dementia.  The one bright spot during this time was that I became a grandparent 😊 

My daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter live an hour away from me. Currently I work compressed hours over 4 days and have my granddaughter overnight and the following day each week and also occasional weekends when my d & sil are both working. Once she starts school next year I obviously won’t be able to have her during the week once she starts school - I’d love to maintain the relationship we’ve built, and my d&sil will still need help with after school childcare. If necessary I’d be willing to drive up to do school pick up a couple of days a week but I have the start of cataracts and am starting to struggle more with driving in the dark so, while this would be fine while the evenings are light, it’s not going to be so easy getting home when it’s dark by 6pm…

I’ve worked in the same place for 23+ years, I don’t dislike my job, I have some good friends at work and my boss is the best I’ve ever worked for, I’m generally left alone to get on with the work, but the nature of it means that there is a fairly stressful 10 day period each month and then I spend the rest of the month trying to catch up and, increasingly, I’m feeling like I could happily just walk away. 

For many years, before my marriage ended, I only worked part time, and the work is low paid (but it fitted with school hours when my daughter was younger and is only 3 minutes walk away), which means my pension will be small, and smaller still if I take it early.  However it also means that my outgoings are low as I’m accustomed to living on a low income.  I really just need to fund the difference until SPA as once I’m in receipt of my SP my combined pension incomes will be more than my salary now.  For the last couple of years I’ve been working more hours in a better paid role but living on my previous income and squirrelling away the difference into a SIPP - this was my ‘plugging the gap for an early escape’ fund, and I was hoping the two lines on the graph would intersect around the time my GD starts school next year. 

I’ve lived in my current home for 25 years. Before we moved here we’d moved twice in the preceding year and it was so stressful I vowed I’d never move again. But now my parents are gone there’s nothing really keeping me here and I’d really love to move closer to my d/sil/GD - they are happy with that - it will make childcare easier for them and I’ll be able to maintain the close relationship I have with my granddaughter (she doesn’t have regular contact with any of her other grandparents).  We want to live close (no more than a few minutes walk apart) but don’t want to live together, we will all need independent space, whether this is separate houses, a house with an annexe, or a property with a floor plan that lends itself to internal separation, possibly including extending, or similar. Each of these options have advantages and disadvantages.

Because I am now due to receive an inheritance from my parents estate, financially this will be possible sooner than expected. The stumbling blocks are:

My house - maintenance and redecoration has been neglected for about the past 10 years. I don’t have a fully functioning kitchen and the bathroom needs tidying up. 

My house is so full of (mainly other people’s) ‘stuff’ that I literally have nowhere to put anything else. It needs a serious declutter before I can think about doing any work.  My garage is full of furniture and boxes from when my d/sil in law last moved - furniture that doesn’t fit in the house they currently live in but which they want to keep for a future home.  My spare bedroom (which used to be my sewing/craft room) is full (I can open the door but there’s stuff piled to head height) - some mine, and some from my parents house.  I don’t do lofts (can’t do ladders) but my d/sil have stuff up there (they’re not allowed to use the loft in their rental). There’s considerable work involved in getting the house ready to be put up for sale. Additionally, there will be pieces from my parents house that I really want to keep,but currently have nowhere to put them.

D/sil currently rent from a nightmare landlord and have no prospect of buying without my help. They both currently work part time. They have no savings and a small credit card debt. Sil has had more jobs since leaving Uni than I’ve had in my whole adult life. He always starts off keen, but it doesn’t seem to last more than a few months. He was unlucky last year when he changed jobs and a few months later the business shut up shop, but he found another new job, which he enjoys, but it’s a zero hours contract with irregular hours - he doesn’t know until the week before when he’ll be working which makes childcare tricky, especially during school holidays when GD nursery is closed (I have to be ’on call’, which makes it difficult for me to plan anything 🙄).
D is professionally qualified and experienced in the industry in which she got her degree and earns more than sil, but is frustrated as the industry has become quite ‘toxic’.  She works 3/4 days each week and commutes over an hour each way. A few months ago she was injured while doing her job (occupational hazard but this was particularly nasty and she needed surgery as a result) and this has further reduced her enjoyment of the job she used to love.  She would like to change jobs but, if they’re going to be applying for a mortgage, hers is the higher (and possibly only) income to base that on. 

The area they live in is currently beautiful but due to be blighted by several big infrastructure projects. This makes narrowing down the geographical area difficult. Schooling will also be a factor - wherever we settle on, we don’t plan to move again.

It’s knowing where to start… some days I’m desperate to just get on with it, other days it’s too overwhelming and even thinking about it all feels too much to cope with.

If you’ve got to the end of all that, thank you. 

I’m currently wondering whether I need to leave my job in order to have the time/energy/headspace to deal with all the stuff that needs doing… 🤷🏻‍♀️

tacpot12

I wouldn't leave your job just yet. 

You are dealing with quite a lot. My approach would be to make a plan (I used to be a Project Manager when I worked, so this is my default approach to big problems!) 

Work out everything that needs to be done. Theny try to imagine how much progress you can make if you don't give up work. I would recommend trying to comlete your plan without giving up your income. You can probably afford to give up work for a short while if you are happy to spend your inheritance, but I think it offers poor value for money - but it's a personal chocie for you. You might also need to consider hiring professionals to help get the property ready for sale once you have cleared away staff that is not going to taken to a new house. Take advice from estate agents about what jobs to do before marketing the property and what jobs to leave for the new owners to do. 

You need to talk to you daughter first about her job. Changing careers is difficult at the best of times. It usually means taking a drop in salary for a couple of years at least. If she has no idea what she wants to do, and no idea how to get into that career, it might be better for her if she stays in her current job. You coudl talk to her about whether moving closer to her work to reduce the commute would make the job better or open up other possibilities for employment. Once you know what she is doing, you can start putting together your plan. I would check in with her again about she she is feeling about her job before you do anything significant (i.e. putting your house on the market, giving up your job, or spending significant amounts of money). 

crv1963

jackieblack- I made it all the way through and I hope that getting things written down helped you.

There are several issues from my interpretation of what you've written! I'll try and respond in the order you have placed them.

1) Sleepless nights and going round in circles- try to give yourself a break by looking at sleep hygiene, when worries go round and round try and use distraction techniques to divert your thoughts. These are all covered through lots of mental health resources on line such as MIND. Looking after one's health isn't only for those unwell but those wanting to stay well!

2) Bereavement- You have two significant losses in a relatively short space of time, ones which have needed you to provide significant support it may be that you need to talk with someone to help get your thoughts and reaction in a way that makes sense to you personally. We all react differently to grief. See if you can access a Bereavement Counselling Service locally or nationally, you could ring GP for details of these locally, they don't usually need a referral from anyone so self-referral is possible.

3) Exhausted by the past few years- You have had a lot going on and pulled in different directions, give yourself a break, take some time to build your own resilience, make time for you to do things you want be that coffee and chat with a friend(s) or a weekend break somewhere. You can't pour from an empty jug! Try and always have two enjoyable things planned.

4) Childcare you provide and a wish to maintain the relationship with GD- Young children are very resilient, I think you will find; reduced ability to drive in the dark won't affect that, it is simply your D and SiL will need to make some arrangements themselves. You can only do your best, it may feel it is your responsibility but it is not.

5) Your own employment- I too work 4 x10 hours days per week. The stress and pressure can get to you but for me it is worth it to have 3 days off per week. You again need to prioritise yourself sometimes and learn to say no. easier said than done I know but make sure you look after you.

6) Your pension savings-You have planned and saved within your means, there is nothing more you can do so don't worry about it- or the current market chaos!

7) Moving nearer your D and her family unit, or buying together and moving in together-That is a choice you have clearly seen the pros and cons of. I personally as much as I love my children not want to live with them, you are still young and although multi-generation living can and does work for some I would be wary of the obvious pitfalls- what happens if they want to move away for employment? what if they split up? will you simply become an unpaid childminder for GD and any future GC? By all means move but is that what you want?

I would advise not moving while you are still recovering from your parents deaths. Could you gift them a deposit for their own home if they can get a mortgage?

8) Cluttered home- Time for some serious de-cluttering, is what others have stored needed by them? Can they get a self-storage rental unit for their belongings? Your own stuff, can you de-clutter? If not, why not?

9) D/ SiL work situation- This is totally beyond your control! Only worry about things you can change anything else simply robs us of todays happiness and makes us miserable. This is also another red flag against moving in together. You have spent years caring for others, parents your daughter, so would you just be moving to a carer role and be funding it to boot?

10) D/ SiL housing- They could move to another rental to avoid the current landlord or if you have the means from your inheritance as a deposit for them to buy. They are adults and it is for them to resolve their issues, not for you, again you waste your energies worrying about something you cannot control.

11) The area they live in is soon to be blighted by lots of infrastructure- Is this the true picture or are you over worrying? If it is so then maybe that's not the place for you to move to? Also they may move again for employment, I have moved up and down the country for employment/ promotion/ work satisfaction, we're now thinking of moving again in a few years once we retire. If you move there and they move elsewhere how will you feel being left there? 

12) Feeling overwhelmed and too tired by it all-Completely understandable! I suggest see your GP if things are constantly overwhelming, if not access support as suggested above. Don't make a decision that is life changing while feeling like this.

Start by looking after yourself, then tackle the clutter one box at a time, get rid of things you really don't need then start completing repairs. 

Edit- Can you use some of your inheritance to have a short holiday to recharge your batteries? Self-care is so important!

Brie

Wow!  And I thought I had a busy life!!!  

The other posters here are spot on with their advice in my opinion.  In particular trying to make radical changes so soon after the death of both parents.  So I'd say focus on what will make life nicer where your are for the time being - if you take care of one bit of your life then the other bits will be easier to deal with.  

So - don't worry about the kitchen and bathroom - if you sell people will accept that these need updating and likely anything more than the cost of a quick coat of paint will be wasted money. 

What you do need to do is get the place tidy.  A tidy house make breathing and thinking much easier (don't ask me how I know!!!) so I'd concentrate on that.  And don't try to do it all in one go.  Start on one corner of one room and expand slowly from there.  Some say 15 minutes a day is the way to do things - doesn't sound like a lot but it will help.  

If you want some practical support and a bit of cheerleading pop on over to the decluttering forum - there's a number of us that hang out there counting the bits we get rid of each day or just pass along an imaginary cake plate loaded with your favourite things when you're having a bad day.  And hobby/craft rooms seem to be a particular bugbear for some of us so we know what you're up against.

2025 DECLUTTERING CAMPAIGN MrsSD - The Joy of Decluttering - Page 264 — MoneySavingExpert Forum

xylophone

Make the declutter a priority?

Check the garage and spare room and make a list of exactly what you want to keep.

Get in a house clearance firm to take the rest.

Put everything you have kept into storage.

Have the house (particularly kitchen and bathroom) professionally cleaned.

Get any vital maintenance done.

Then consider your employment/retirement/ house move situation?

Would you wish to consider a Deed of Variation of your (presumably last surviving parent's) Will in favour of your daughter, enabling her to

finance a deposit/mortgage on a house for her/husband/ daughter?


You could then sell up and buy a property of your own nearby?

squirrelpie

Do you have many good friends locally? They can help with sorting out your thoughts, and also may be able to help with practical subjects like tidying up and updating your house. If not helping directly they may know of local people who can, and that may be better than looking in the paper or whatever.

Robin9

You've made the first move by putting pen to paper.

I'm with @Tacpot12 at least for the first parts.  What I would be concerned about is you seem to be running your life around the D, SIL and GD.  I've seen it happen where the Granny has moved to be with the family only for the family to move on. 

You need to have a life beyond them -  keep working -  establish (re-establish) your hobbies, look at U3A and the like. In 25 years do you have friends where you live?

As regards the untidy house - one suggestion I heard was to ensure your lounge was tidy at the end of the day - put the coffee cups / wine glasses  into the dishwasher ; likewise clear the kitchen before you go out to work; and make the bed as well. Then your house will be welcoming when you come home.

Then start nibbling away at those rooms and the garage.  There are organisations which want good modernish furniture -  you will have to be brutal as no-one wants your parents dark furniture,

Marcon

xylophone said:

Make the declutter a priority?

My reaction entirely. OP, if you've never watched 'Sort your life out' on ITV1, it's worth making time to do so. Seeing the reaction of families to their newly-decluttered house brings home that getting rid of excess possessions is (in that much-over used phrase) genuinely life changing.

You are due to receive an inheritance, so you might think about spending some of that on getting help from a professional declutterer, which could make the whole process a lot faster and less exhausting than trying to do everything for yourself.

Phossy

You've done the most important thing, you have made a start by writing it all down. Next make a start on the decluttering as others have commented. You will get there. 

gwynlas

You are the priority and you need to take some time for yourself before taking on responsibilities for others no matter how much you love them. Selling houses takes time and your life is within your local community

I agree with the idea of decluttering and this might be hard if every piece has memories. Storage might be good when you are ready to put the house on the market but it is not cheap so should be time limited.

Your d and sil need to take responsibility for themselves as to where they live and work. Your sil sounds as though he is unable to take responsibility for maintaining a steady employment record. What will happen if your daughter falls pregnant again not wanting too big a gap in child ages?

Whilst still wanting to help with childcare and maintaing your granny bond once little ones start school this is difficult as they might be tired after full days and be invited to parties and play dates on weekends.

I think you could make a two or five year plan once your head is a bit clearer taking time to do this constructively by day rather than ruminating at night.

Nebulous2

We've had to clear out three houses in the last 5-6 years. 

Two lots of parents going through life-changing situations where they had to move to much smaller accommodation. 

Then us relocating during covid when the charity shops were closed and skips were limited. 

It is very difficult to sort long-standing possessions, but getting help from someone without the emotional attachment helps. 

Three piles 1. must keep  2. sell / charity shop 3. Skip. 

Redo pile 1 several times. Don't revisit pile 2 or 3 and 'rescue' stuff. 

On a positive note - three years on, we don't miss anything and have few regrets. We were able to move and dramatically declutter before selling, and achieved more for the house than anyone, including our solicitor expected. 

Good luck. 

For other things - my view is you are trying to do too much, with some of your objectives being competing ones. Money isn't infinite, and retiring early, relocating, helping children with housing, and subsidising their living costs can all take a lot of it. Maybe they aren't all possible, or not immediately and you need to prioritise or stage them over a few years. 

The advice about limiting big decisions following a bereavement is good. People feel a need to do something and often make changes they later regret.