Planning for retirement and relocation - lots of ducks to align (and not all are mine!)

jackieblack

Goodness! I never expected so many people to reply - thank you all

tacpot12 - one of my problems is that progress will be very slow while I’m still working. I have, on average, about half a day a week ‘free’ and I’m sorting/packing up my parents house now as well. I’ve considered just dropping a day, but my job couldn’t be done in fewer hours. One solution I’ve thought of is that my boss would be agreeable to me working longer hours during the busier period each month and taking the time in lieu during the quieter period.
 I have had estate agent round and know what needs doing (serious decluttering, some redecorating and making the kitchen functional again - last time I tried to do this I gave up as no tradesmen were interested)
My daughter’s job - she has been unhappy for a long time and it has affected her mental health. It’s an occupation that people are leaving in droves due to industry wide changes since Covid. At this point she would stack shelves in a supermarket while she figured out her next steps.  

The place she currently works is on the opposite side of the closest big town from where they live now and sil works in the opposite direction. They have been looking for another rental for over a year but there’s been nothing suitable they can afford that will accept pets. 

crv1963 - Thank you, I think it did
1) Insomnia is something I’ve lived with all my adult life, I’ve tried every tip and trick ever suggested and nothing makes a difference. I have spells of several weeks where I do sleep ‘better’ (maybe 5 hours only waking once) and ‘worse’ (2-3 hours, having woken multiple times). 
2) Having done some online research on various bereavement charity websites, I think I may have absent/disconnected grief. I keep waiting for the seven stages that we’re told everyone goes through and it just hasn’t happened to me yet. I’ve put off contacting anyone because I simply don’t have the time…it’s in my ‘to do sometime’ pile
3) True - my enjoyable things are spending time with my granddaughter (which I get to do every week) and daughter 
4) My Mum and daughter had a really special relationship. We lived ten minutes apart and they saw each other regularly. My Mum had two other grandchildren that lived just over an hour away, she didn’t see them regularly (not her choice) and, although she loved them, she didn’t feel close to them.  I’ve invested a lot of time and energy building a close relationship with my granddaughter and I’m not prepared to give that up. I love being an involved ‘hands on’ Grannie, and, quite honestly, it’s what keeps me going. This is my priority.
5) Yes, I’m fortunate to have a very reasonable boss. I’m also lucky that my current role is one that works for flexible hours. 

6) Agreed, I’m not worried, it is what it is and I’ll work within the limits of what I’ve got. I wouldn’t be adverse to some part time/ seasonal work or a small ‘side hustle’ to top up funds if necessary 
7) I know I definitely want to live much closer to them, it’s something we’ve been talking about since GD was born, but with an abstract timeframe while parents needed so much support.  

Yes, we’ve considered all scenarios and each option has advantages and disadvantages. They definitely wouldn’t want to move away from the broad area they currently live in, and I love the area too, it’s narrowing down the options of various villages and small market towns that’s difficult 
8) It’s mainly lack of time and then lack of space for sorting. They can’t afford to rent storage space, which is why it’s all at my house! I am researching the possibility of renting storage space near me temporarily.
9) Yes and Yes. One of the points of me moving would be so I can help with childcare, I don’t have a problem with that, it’s what I want to do. 
10) They have been looking for another rental for over a year but there’s been nothing suitable they can afford that will accept pets. There’s no way they can buy without help and there won’t be any help coming from anywhere else. Even if I gave them every penny, what I will inherit wouldn’t be enough without me also selling up and downsizing (which I’m happy to do).
11) Yes, it’s sad but true. There are pockets, including the small town they currently live in, that are going to be massively affected. Fortunately, there are also pockets that for various reasons are unlikely to be blighted in the same way in the future, so these are where we’re considering.

Brie - thank you, much of the stuff is not mine to declutter, and the living spaces in my house are generally pretty tidy. The clutter is all behind closed doors… 
The kitchen does need to be made basically functional in order to be mortgageable for any buyer (according to the estate agent I had round) - that will be the biggest job - otherwise it is just painting, regrouting etc 

xylophone - yes, decluttering is a priority, it’s having the time to do it which has eluded me. I know what’s in the garage and most of it isn’t mine to declutter. The small percentage that is my stuff is mainly in the spare bedroom. 

I wasted hours trying to find a cleaner for my parents house before putting it on the market but no-one was interested.
There’s no benefit to doing a DoV, in fact it would likely make my d’s life more difficult right now.

squirrelpie - I have one good friend locally, her own family life is busy and stressful. I talk to her but she wouldn’t have any capacity to help practically. 

I have had recommendations, but no-one has been interested when I enquired previously. I will try again. 

robin9 - I’m not a social person, joining any kind of group is my idea of hell. My hobbies (not that I’ve had any time for them in the last few years) are solitary ones, although ones my daughter also has and we’ve talked about a shared space to do them in together when we’re living close together.
The living spaces in my house are generally clean and tidy. I always, without fail, tidy/wash up every night before I go to bed (no dishwasher). 

My parents furniture is not dark but mostly mid-century teak which, I’m reliably informed by the local auction house, is having a resurgence - happily it’s also all in their house and not at mine so will go to the auction house after contracts are exchanged for the sale (🤞🏻).
There are just a couple of tables (which were made by my grandfather), a bookcase, a wardrobe and a few small things (sentimental value) which I want to keep.

Marcon - Yes, I’ve watched a few episodes of Sort Your Life Out (despite finding Stacey Solomon and the other woman incredibly irritating) and can only dream of having everything laid out in a huge warehouse in order to make decluttering easier

jackieblack

gwynlas and Nebulous2, thank you, your posts arrived while I was compiling my previous reply

gwynlas - the problem for sil is that he has never found ‘the thing he wants to do’ but, apart from a short spell at the start of last year when he was between jobs and actively job hunting, he has always worked.  He’s currently working part time for childcare reasons and my daughter took an extra day a week at work to compensate for that.

I agree they need to take responsibility for themselves, but the unfortunate truth is that they are stuck in the rental trap, where they can’t save a deposit because they’re paying rent and a mortgage would be cheaper, they have no chance of buyingwithout help from ‘the bank of Mum’. 

She’s my only child, and she’ll inherit everything I leave anyway, but they’d benefit more from having it now, not in 20-30 years time.  I want my granddaughter to have a secure home, without the constant threat of being uprooted at the whim of an unpredictable landlord and I know my daughter suffers constant underlying stress from their living situation. My own needs/wants are not extravagant. As long as I have enough, I’ll be happy.  I wouldn’t be happy having surplus money just sitting in the bank while watching them struggle.
They’re not planning to have any more children.

Yes, I agree she’ll be tired after school which is why I’ll need to help with after school childcare and when d & sil are both working at weekends and in school holidays. I can take her home and give her her tea instead of her having to go to an after school club/ holiday club, or the like, I can take her to any parties and play dates she is invited to, that’s not a problem.

Generally, the only time I have for thinking is when I’m awake at night…

Nebulous2 - well done. It’s mainly lack of time which is preventing progress with my decluttering. And lack of child free time for my d & sil to do theirs, with a two hour round trip involved - although I have told them it needs to happen, I’m not holding my breath about it happening anytime soon

My overnight thoughts…

I feel that:
I don’t have the time for sorting the house/decluttering while I’m working and sorting/clearing my parents house, which is causing me stress
When I move, I’ll need to retire/give up my job as it’ll be too far to commute and provide the childcare needed (and, frankly, I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on for anyway)
D & sil need to make up their minds about their respective job situations - not in my control but affects ‘the plan’
I can’t do anything financially anyway until the sale of my parents house is complete, so that gives me thinking/planning time
These are plans we’ve been making over several years, we just didn’t have a timeframe - it’s not a rash decision I’m making due to being bereaved, although bereavement is giving me the means to make it happen 

LHW99

Do what you can., truthfully everything is going to be there when you feel up to it - which may not be for a few months when you begin to get to the other side of this.

I would just make sure you have room to get into bed and have a space to relax / watch TV.

jackieblack

Have realised I forgot to mention an important factor which is that, with GD due to start school next year, we need to have moved (or at least have exchanged contracts) by the deadline for school applications, which is mid-January next year, to ensure she is allocated a place at the local school.  

BrilliantButScary

I agree with much of the advice that has already been given. My thoughts are that it would be a good idea to take a 'step back' and really think about your motivation and what you want, not about what you feel you need to do for other people. I suspect you've not had an opportunity to do that for a very long time. This resonated with me:

 https://www-psychologytoday-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202504/are-you-leading-your-adult-childs-swat-rescue-team?amp=&amp_gsa=1&amp_js_v=a9&usqp=mq331AQIUAKwASCAAgM=#amp_tf=From %1$s&aoh=17440306809693&referrer=https://www.google.com&ampshare=https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202504/are-you-leading-your-adult-childs-swat-rescue-team

I recognise myself as a 'rescuer', but of a widowed parent, rather than an adult child. 

I wish you and you're family happiness, whatever you decide to do.