Lack of family and fear of being alone

Worried_and_alone

Hello everyone, 

I have posted about this topic previously over on the pensions and retirement board, but I am not sure that was really the right place. 

I was wondering if anyone can relate to my situation. I am an only child, approaching 40 and I have very little family. I have my parents still, but obviously that won't always be the case. I am lucky to have a partner, and some friends, including one very good close friend. I would like to make more friends, but it isn't that easy to do so at this stage of life.

I feel extremely anxious about my future. I worry something will happen to the few people I do have and I will be entirely alone. I can't realistically try to have a child to address my issues. The child would end up being in a very similar situation with no extended family. Plus I just feel I am too old, and it is too risky (said with no disrespect to anyone who has had a child at a similar age). 

I don't know what I am looking for really. Maybe just some advice from anyone in a similar situation. Or perhaps someone a bit older who has already faced this.

Thank you very much in advance. 

Flugelhorn

Agree about the child, never a good thing to have one to be your companion - I have two and they may well be end up in this position as there is no extended family. 

still just remember - you choose your friends but have your family thrust up on you. 

yes you can always make friends - I have new  friends in my 60s -takes time to be really good friends but it happens

powerspowers

Hi, I remember your previous thread and I’m sorry you are still struggling. 

I have similar worries about not having biological children and my partner dying before me. I think that’s a fairly normal thing to worry about but it does sound like things are out of hand for you. Did you speak to your GP or look at counselling?

I think another thing is try try to address some of the isolation you feel. I struggle with loneliness and have found this worse since the pandemic. For me, volunteering has helped me feel connected and gives me things to focus on week to week. My sister was feeling very isolated (we don’t live near each other) and had a lot of success starting a meet up group. Don’t necessarily go looking for someone to be your lifelong best friend, but people to spend time with, to get out of your own head a little and make the most of your life now rather than worrying so much about the future. 

take care x

FlorayG

Having a child to solve your own issues would be selfish anyway - children don't owe their parents anything and a child may well leave home at 18 and never be seen again
I have no partner and no family except a cousin over 100 miles away. You just get on with life. There's no point in worrying about it, worrying never solved anything is my motto. Be happy with what you have, many people have less

Devongardener

You have chosen your username as Worried and Alone, but you are truly not alone if you have a partner, both parents and some friends.
Don’t get stressed about what will happen in later life, just live the life you have now.  

No one knows how our lives, health and family circumstances will pan out so we have to get on with the present day to day.

Worried_and_alone

Thank you everyone. I think making more friends is definitely the way forward for me. I just wish I could overcome the anxiety. I have tried going down tbe counselling route before, and it didn't really help unfortunately. And @Devongardener you are right about my username - that was an unhelpful and silly choice of mine. 

Devongardener

Worried_and_alone said:

Thank you everyone. I think making more friends is definitely the way forward for me. I just wish I could overcome the anxiety. I have tried going down tbe counselling route before, and it didn't really help unfortunately. And @Devongardener you are right about my username - that was an unhelpful and silly choice of mine. 

I wish you good luck in moving on,  I don’t make friends easily either!

elsien

You can ask the forum team to change your username if you want to. 

pinkshoes

Worried_and_alone said:

Thank you everyone. I think making more friends is definitely the way forward for me. I just wish I could overcome the anxiety. I have tried going down tbe counselling route before, and it didn't really help unfortunately. And @Devongardener you are right about my username - that was an unhelpful and silly choice of mine. 

Think of it another way...

Those with Instagram accounts with 100s of followers... but how many of those followers actually KNOW them? How many are actually FRIENDS? Posting things waiting for people to "like" it... 

You have a partner, some friends, including a close friend. That's awesome! They're real people who matter. 

Most people don't have 100s of friends. That would be exhausting. It's far better to have a few good friends around than 100s of acquaintances.

bouicca21

Making new friends in later life is something you have to work at.  But from OP’s post it seems that they do have a social circle so I find myself wondering if feeling alone is a symptom of depression rather than actual loneliness.

Worried_and_alone

bouicca21 said:

Making new friends in later life is something you have to work at.  But from OP’s post it seems that they do have a social circle so I find myself wondering if feeling alone is a symptom of depression rather than actual loneliness.

Thank you, you could well be right. Although if I am depressed, I think it is something I have brought on myself by worrying about the future - especially the thought of finding myself entirely alone in old age. I find that to be a very scary and depressing though, and maybe it feeds back into making me feel alone now, even though I am not. I think a lot about my final moments of life, about being alone and then having nobody to attend my funeral. It feels like my life has no meaning, even though I do currently have connections and I know I do at least make a positive contribution to the people who enjoy spending time with me.