How should a new partner support my kids financially?

Jo_R_2

Hi all

I wasn't sure whether to start a new thread further to my one about my children having a new father figure, as I have a more specific question to think about.

Discussing more the potential moving in situation with OH yesterday. I was posing hypothetical situations, and we got onto the subject of finances, more specifically where responsibility lies for the children. Now, we talked but didn't come to any conclusions.

Currently ex doesn't pay anything as he's unemployed and looking for work. We all envision at some point soon he'll be working as he's applying and attending interviews and that this will mean we will get some contribution from him (we have two DDs aged one and three.)

Obviously this contribution will go towards the upkeep of the girls. But what responsibility will OH have financially? We discussed that I will lose a large chunk of money through certain single parent benefits, but I'm not sure what to ask/expect him to contribute towards the girls.

Any thoughts?

liney

Unless my man accepted my children as his own i would not move in with him!

Can you imagine, scrimping for clothes etc for them while he's off buying gadgets/playing golf/spending on luxuries, because 'they aren't his responsibility'?

He knows you have children, so this must have crossed his mind more than once surely. Whats his general attitude?

findingmyownway

hmmm, thats a tough one.

I would agree with the poster that said if he is moving into your home and you are forming a new family then he is going to have to contribute ££. But equally, any debts, maintainance payments to other women etc that he brings need to be considered too.

The problem with keeping things separate is you never know where to draw the line - eg if you buy kids clothes separatly then what about food, holidays etc. You don't want to get into a situation where you are expected to pay 3/4 of a holiday and him 1/4 (which from what you have said in previoud posts im sure he wouldnt want either!)

In your situation, i would go for a joint account. All the household income (including wages and maintainance if you ever get any) goes into this which pays for bills, food, family holiday savings etc. Then if you and OH have a personal aco!!!! with a set amount of money transferred in each month then you never feel like you have to justif to each other what it is spend on.

It may be worth having a look at his finances as they are now, how much disposable income does he have? Is it roughly equal to yours? Will you be able to afford to have a similar amount when there is only 1 lot of rent/bills to pay?

Becles

If he is moving in to be a family, it should be the same as if you had been a family from the start and he should be supporting the girls as if they were his own IMO.

How you work your finances together depends on your attitudes and what system works for you. There was a thread here a few days ago on how couples deal with their finances if you want look it out for some ideas.

You might want to consider a Parental Responsibility Order for your new partner too. If ex doesn't have PR, you can just apply to the courts for it on a form from the Family Court Office. If he does have PR, you will need his permission.

In my case I wanted this so the boys can stay with hubby and their half-sister if I die, and it gives him the right to make decisions on things like medical treatement and school issues if I wasn't there for any reason.

Sola

When I got together with DH, we did it on the understanding that his 2 kids would be treated as if they were my own. Although we have separate accounts (the household stuff comes out of mine and he transfers a set amount each month), we treat all income and all expenditure as joint including child maintenance.

miserly_mum

When my OH and I moved in together I had 4 children still at home. He was a single man with no financial responsibilities for anyone other than himself.

From day one his and my wages went into the "pot" .All bills and essentials for him,me and the kids came out of that. What was left over was ours to spend.

This was agreed between us and has suited us really well. Even if we sometimes disagree how the leftover money should be spent (i'm very OS and he isn't) at least all the essential stuff is paid and the kids have what they need

floss2

Slightly different in our home, as my kids are both at Uni.....We worked out the total of the bills + housekeeping every month, then worked out a percentage for each of us based on my & DF's income. My "share" covers the boy's uni support (which is a monthly expenditure) + a chunk of housekeeping each month + my own bills (mobile, life insurance, car insuarnce etc).

If the boys had been younger, I would stil have been getting maintenance from their father, to contribute to their "costs".

bestpud

Jo_R wrote: »

Hi all

Discussing more the potential moving in situation with OH yesterday. I was posing hypothetical situations, and we got onto the subject of finances, more specifically where responsibility lies for the children. Now, we talked but didn't come to any conclusions.

What were your OHs thoughts on this, if you don't mind me asking? Were you coming from opposing viewpoints, as you couldn't reach a conclusion?

It just seems so simple to me (and others on here too it seems) that if he moves in as your partner then he takes your children as part of the package. I know I wouldn't have it any other way - I can't see how it would work financially, or emotionally, tbh.

Currently ex doesn't pay anything as he's unemployed and looking for work. We all envision at some point soon he'll be working as he's applying and attending interviews and that this will mean we will get some contribution from him (we have two DDs aged one and three.)

Obviously this contribution will go towards the upkeep of the girls. But what responsibility will OH have financially? We discussed that I will lose a large chunk of money through certain single parent benefits, but I'm not sure what to ask/expect him to contribute towards the girls.

When you receive child maintenance then I'd say it should be placed into the household kitty along with your and OHs earnings.

sazziecee

At the moment my partner hasn't sold his own house and his mortgage company wont let him rent it out so we are paying for 2 mortgages so we cant split things exactly 50% yet.

But other than that it is pretty equal. We take turns to buy the grocery shopping, I do it one week and him the next and we split the bills. At Xmas he bought presents for the boys, as did I and we also both bought presents for his daughter. There was no "I will get my kids and you get yours" we are a family. From very early on in the relationship he started to say he had 3 kids and not that he had a daughter and I had two sons which made me feel very happy.

At the moment all the bills are still in my name and are paid direct debit from my accounts but he pays money into my account and always asks me if I have enough.

Once he has sold his house we are going to set up a joint account and do it all from there.

If he wants to move in with you as much as you say he does then he will not be surprised or bothered about having to fully contribute to the home and kids as you are a package

Kimitatsu

Hi Jo

You and your OH are contemplating moving in together, he will be the male role model in your daughters lives, so why are you worrying as to what contribution you should be asking him for? Surely he is moving in with you all as a family and he should be prepared to take that role on in its entirety? If he is not then in my view I would be looking at moving in together some time in the future when these things have been resolved!

You are going to lose a large chunk of income by him moving in, so surely he should be prepared to provide for his family to ensure that you all have that standard of living?

My OH is not my childrens biological father but has been with them far longer than their bio dad. He has always been aware from day one that I had children and that we came as a package, he has provided for them from the first day he moved in and as far as he is concerned they are his boys and should be treated as such. He has two children from his previous marriage and all of our money goes into one pot, their maintenance is paid for and any money we get in from my ex goes into that pot.

You need to be sure that you are doing the right thing if you are having doubts about how much you should be asking him to contribute, equally he should be offering to support all of you.

Mark_petty

When I moved in with my partner (now wife, she had a boy in a previous relationship) I pay for as much as I can and treat him as if he was my own. He doesn't see his real dad as he ran off when he was born so we expect nothing from him and that is the way we like it. Our little boy just thinks I am the dad, which i'm happy with.

In answer to your question, if he moves in with you then you should split everything or pay as much as either of you can afford. He must realise that he is moving into a family not just a relationship.