Seriously in debt, this forum looks like it might help?

EssexHebridean

I hear what you are saying about telling your wife - but be under no illusion, she is going to find out. Whether you tell her, or she finds out down the line by accident is entirely up to you, but you do need to be prepared for the fact that if you think she will be unhappy if you tell her, that is NOTHING to how she will feel when she finds out accidentally. First step here -s switch the positions. Are you saying that if your wife sat down and explained to you that SHE was in this position, you would say "Right, that's it, I'm off!" and that would be the end of the marriage? I suspect not - so then it's tie to decide why you think your wife will act in that way? 

The issue with trying to fix debt problems alone when you are part of a household is that it becomes twice as hard to rein back spending and make savings. There are going to be things you are going to have to cull from your lifestyle - so you need to consider how you will explain that. Whatever sorts of holidays you usually go on are going to have to shrink. Days out with the kids are going to need to go to low or no spend. When the kids ask for that toy, that comic or whatever, more often than not the answer is going to have to be "Sorry kids, but no". Spending at Christmas, and on birthdays - going to need reducing.  The real risk you have is that as your wife starts noticing all these things, her first thought isn't going to be "Oh my goodness, he's in debt" it will be "Oh my goodness - is he having an affair?!"

It's not impossible, but you need to accept that it will be far harder, take far longer, and ultimately the chances of you managing to fix the situation without her knowing about it are literally miniscule. 

In answer to your earlier question, you can ask creditors to deal with you by email, but there are going to be some documents that they have to send to you by hard copy in the post - so no, it's not possible to completely stop letters. 

ManyWays

I agree with all the points that @EssexHebridean has made and I will add a few more:
- as you have a joint mortgage, your credit records are linked so hers will be affected by defaults on yours. What will you do if she gets declined for some credit she was confident she would get?
- or if some other mortgage lender is offering better rates and she sensibly wants to switch when your fix ends? 

MEM62

shadowfortress said:

The only thing is that my wife cannot know about this. 

Be under no illusion, she will find out.  As has already been pointed out, you are financially linked and your defaults will have a impact on her credit standing.  There will also be that stray letter or piece of correspondence that she will see, that query that arises when you apply of a different mortgage lender.  Something will give the game away and, frankly, the fact is it would be better coming from you - up front.  

Emmia

ManyWays said:

I agree with all the points that @EssexHebridean has made and I will add a few more:
- as you have a joint mortgage, your credit records are linked so hers will be affected by defaults on yours. What will you do if she gets declined for some credit she was confident she would get?
- or if some other mortgage lender is offering better rates and she sensibly wants to switch when your fix ends? 

Or she looks at her score and notices it's pretty low and digs into her file.  The scores are meaningless on one level, but may prompt investigation.... Uncovering the truth.

EssexHebridean

It's the OP's decision though - all we can do is use the experience we've gained here either personally or simply through seeing other people's experience to underline the pitfalls. 

OP - whatever your decision about telling your wife or not, the help and support is still available here, you just need to be aware that it won't be as easy, though. 

As fatbelly said earlier though - the first step, however you proceed, is to put together your Statement of Affairs. 

shadowfortress

MEM62 said:

shadowfortress said:

The only thing is that my wife cannot know about this. 

Be under no illusion, she will find out.  As has already been pointed out, you are financially linked and your defaults will have a impact on her credit standing.  There will also be that stray letter or piece of correspondence that she will see, that query that arises when you apply of a different mortgage lender.  Something will give the game away and, frankly, the fact is it would be better coming from you - up front.  

Hi. The only point we are financially linked is the mortgage. Assuming we go with the same mortgage provider when we need to refinance, in what other ways will she be affected?

I thought any credit card searches or personal loans she does on her own is not connected to my credit file? I would appreciate an explanation as to what I am not understanding.

shadowfortress

magpies79 said:

I’m sure people will be a long to lend advice on the best way to approach things but the only thing I will say is not telling your wife is a big mistake.

Because lying will hurt her more and it’s not going to go away.

Id also assume if you are defaulting on debts if you are both are on the mortgage then your credit files are going to be link in some way or do you have joint accounts so she is going to know to some degree at some point so personally I’d maybe sit down over drink and explain where you are at.

We have no no joint accounts accept for the mortgage which she pays through her bank account.

ManyWays

Here is Experians explanation https://www.experian.co.uk/consumer/guides/financial-association.html

shadowfortress

fatbelly said:

Your point (3) indicates you are intending not to pay creditors and hoping to settle by full and final settlement. That is a brave strategy and I am not saying that you shouldn't go for it.

However, a more subtle variation of that, and one that I think would suit your circumstances, is to get the defaults, make pro-rata payments, possibly using a third party charity, but continue to save on the side with a view to making f&f offers somewhere down the line.

A statement of affairs would shed more light

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

What is the best way to go about it? Am I missing a step that people on here advise?

400ixl

shadowfortress said:

MEM62 said:

shadowfortress said:

The only thing is that my wife cannot know about this. 

Be under no illusion, she will find out.  As has already been pointed out, you are financially linked and your defaults will have a impact on her credit standing.  There will also be that stray letter or piece of correspondence that she will see, that query that arises when you apply of a different mortgage lender.  Something will give the game away and, frankly, the fact is it would be better coming from you - up front.  

Hi. The only point we are financially linked is the mortgage. Assuming we go with the same mortgage provider when we need to refinance, in what other ways will she be affected?

I thought any credit card searches or personal loans she does on her own is not connected to my credit file? I would appreciate an explanation as to what I am not understanding.

Say she applies for a new credit card or even store credit. They will do a hard search on her credit reference file and see that there is a financial connection with you. They are within their rights to then do a search on you and use your file as part of their assessment. This could result in her being turned down and raising a red flag. Probably a low risk to you if her history is good enough they don't bother to go further, but a risk you are taking.