Seriously in debt, this forum looks like it might help?

shadowfortress

Hi all,

I've been reading various posts on here about people coming to the end of line regarding debt and exploring what they can do.

I'm in the exact same situation. Around £45k in debt. 1 Personal loan and 4 credit cards.

If I understand the formula.

1) Do not immediately contact a debt charity like CAP or StepChange.

2) Stop paying cards and personal loans and put that money aside.

3) Once the debt goes into default and is given to a collection agency, use the money set aside to pay the debt off at a fraction of the total amount of debt. This would incur 6 years of negative marks on my credit file?

Is that about right?

I hate the idea of doing this, but I have reached the end of the line. My stress and anxiety are off the charts. The only thing is that my wife cannot know about this. If she does, it would destroy our marriage.

We have a mortgage of £955 which she pays for and the children's various sports/music lessons and most of the groceries. Current mortgage terms ends in Oct 2026. We do not have a joint account.

I pay pretty much everything else, all the insurance, energy, subscriptions, etc.

I know that by not paying, the companies will soon start to send letters to our door. Luckily we don't open each other's post either, but if she did by accident one day, it could mean disaster. Would it be worth just changing my address for the credit cards, since I will no longer use them anyway? Or could I just instruct the company now to not send me anything via post?

I'm scared. I have no one in my life that knows about this, and it's eating me up inside. I appreciate the support and advice and as a man, the serotype is to be strong and just power through, but all I want to do is cry and hug someone.

Thanks for listening.

magpies79

I’m sure people will be a long to lend advice on the best way to approach things but the only thing I will say is not telling your wife is a big mistake.

Because lying will hurt her more and it’s not going to go away.

Id also assume if you are defaulting on debts if you are both are on the mortgage then your credit files are going to be link in some way or do you have joint accounts so she is going to know to some degree at some point so personally I’d maybe sit down over drink and explain where you are at.

shadowfortress

No, we do not have any joint accounts apart from the mortgage. I was under the understanding that when it's time to redo the mortgage, no credit checks are done, provided we stick to the same provider and accept their offer?

Telling my wife is out of the question. I can't entertain that.

magpies79

Yea that’s correct they don’t normally do searches if you are staying with your current lender.

But will that always be the case what would you say later down the line if she wanted to move or lend more all I’m saying is that not being honest with her will cause more harm then good.

its not something you should have to deal with by yourself because you’ll just cause yourself more stress and worry and I’m sure your wife and kids were prefer a stress free husband/Dad 

And there’s no judgment on my part just advice 

Emmia

magpies79 said:

Yea that’s correct they don’t normally do searches if you are staying with your current lender.

But will that always be the case what would you say later down the line if she wanted to move or lend more all I’m saying is that not being honest with her will cause more harm then good.

its not something you should have to deal with by yourself because you’ll just cause yourself more stress and worry and I’m sure your wife and kids were prefer a stress free husband/Dad 

And there’s no judgment on my part just advice 

The thing that's worse than you telling her, is her finding out by accident - that will destroy the trust she has in you. That said, it is possible that if you're open about the debts that will end the marriage - but in the event of a divorce all debts and assets get considered... But I understand why you're reluctant.

It may be time to sit down with your wife and go through the household costs as a whole, but that means you'd need to come clean about the debt.

To whom do you owe the £45k?

How has the debt arisen, general price rises and the money you earn no longer meeting your expenditure? Gambling? Something else?

Posting a Statement of Affairs (SOA) may help forumites identify where money can be saved. Defaulting isn't a long term solution if you fundamentally have more going out than coming in, and will mean you wouldn't be able to rely on credit to prop you up.

SOA template: https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

HampshireH

What is the cause of the debt, family holidays? The bills because you can't afford to pay them, gambling etc?

If it's things like family holidays, car, food shop and bills then when you reign this back your wife will almost certainly notice. You won't be able to manage it if your level of spend continues and she/the family are used to a certain way of living because they have no idea of the problem.

powerspowers

Well done on opening up to us. It’s a long road ahead and I think trying to keep it a secret will be more stressful. That said, it’s your choice and you can still start the process- don’t let it hinge on telling your wife. 

I thought general advice is to request that the only way creditors should contact you is by post. 

Is there anyone real life you can confide in? Debt problems are really common and you are definitely not alone in this. 

Do keep popping in here and updating us, this forum is an amazing place and lots of support. 

FlorayG

shadowfortress said:

No, we do not have any joint accounts apart from the mortgage. I was under the understanding that when it's time to redo the mortgage, no credit checks are done, provided we stick to the same provider and accept their offer?

If your wife pays this then when it comes for renewal she may find a better deal with a different provider and then how will you get her to remain with one who will charge a lot more every month? I'm another one who thinks you should tell her. She's going to find out one day whatever you do

400ixl

If you have a joint mortgage, then there is a link between the two of you and this will show up in any searches done for any purpose, 

You really need to come clean, many people have said they cannot tell their partner as it will end their relationship on here. When they have actually done so, the vast majority (whilst disappointed) have supported their partner.

Finding out through some other means will have far more of an impact.

For the best advice here, do a full SOA including the full household accounts.

Grumpelstiltskin

I have to agree with everyone else. Marriage is a partnership and that means working together

With that amount of debt chances are she will find out sometime down the line and then she is  going to be upset.

If the debt is because of an addiction you need to get help before you tell her, if is debt is joint household expenses  then surely she should have guessed something was wrong.

fatbelly

Your point (3) indicates you are intending not to pay creditors and hoping to settle by full and final settlement. That is a brave strategy and I am not saying that you shouldn't go for it.

However, a more subtle variation of that, and one that I think would suit your circumstances, is to get the defaults, make pro-rata payments, possibly using a third party charity, but continue to save on the side with a view to making f&f offers somewhere down the line.

A statement of affairs would shed more light

https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php